Hi There,

I am 23 years old next month and my Girlfriend is 22 next month.

We have been together for 7 years but it seems as though she takes her parents side in most cases...

I recently moved in on my own (5 months ago to be exact) but the reasoning for this was so she can move in with me and we can start our future together as I or she initially hoped.

She has said to her parents that she wants to move in with me but her parents don't agree with her as they are under the impression that she is to young and does not have the experience required in doing a big thing like that - THEY ARE STILL UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE IS A LITTLE GIRL AND DOES NOT ACT CORRECTLY FOR HER AGE?!

She started work last year and has got a relatively good job considering the situation here in South Africa. She does not ask her parents if she can borrow money from them nor does she ask them for anything else.

Last night her parents made a statement that probably hurt me more than it hurt her as they said it would be a huge mistake for move out now at her age (remember we have been together for 7 years)



I should also note that I have asked her to marry me 2 years ago but her parents did not agree so I left it at that and have not brought up the subject with them, obviously my girlfriend and I have spoken about it since.

I do come from a very wealthy family and know money would never be a problem but. I have also never mistreated my girlfriend nor treated her in any bad way. Her father on the other hand is abusive in a physical manner and also in a verbal manner and generally down plays everything she wants to do.

Could someone please help me as I do want to be with my girlfriend but cannot accept the fact that she sticks to her parents side when she is with them but is the complete opposite when she is with me?

Her father has also stated that he will not help her if she was to come back to him for any advice or anything else of that sorts.

What am I supposed to do? I have done everything in my power to show her that I am committed to her but need her to step up to the plate and meet me there. I have an extremely good job and am financially stable so from my side I don't know what to do anymore as I have been patient for the last 7 years.

Am I to just break up with her or what?

I really need I little bit of help in this situation as it is hurting me emotionally and mentally.

Your girlfriend is 22 years old and cannot get past her parent's approval. You cannot seem to get approval from her parents. Have you actually sat down with them and talked to them, honestly and openly, without rancor or judgement on your part? Are you trying to get along with them?

You are asking her to move in with you. Her parents are going to disapprove - you are asking her to act like your wife but not be your wife. For some parents, that is disrespectful. I agree that, at her age, she should be making more her own decisions. What stops her from getting her own apartment? She could get a place and her parents could see how she handles that.

Be understanding of her parents. I know you have said you two have been together for seven years but she has had her parents all her life. Try seeing their point of view and live with it, not becoming so agitated over this. Her parents are looking out for her, as you are, but in a different way.

I will also say that your girlfriend, since she is 22 years old, should start to stand more on her own two feet. Part of being an adult is making adult decisions without parental control. While she can certainly ask her parent's opinion and respect them, she can make up her own mind and accept that responsibility and whatever consequences. Easier said than done.

Hi shygrneyz,

I understand what you are saying and agree with it up to a point. But... She wants to move in with me and we will get engaged within 6 months.

Her parents may seem like they are looking out for her but they also don't give her any leave way to do her own things and make the choices she wishes to do.

I feel helpless as this is the person I want to be with but it does not feel as though she will stand up to her parents about us. I need her to understand that this has been going on for far too long and I am staring to feel that even tough I love her so much I can't handle the emotional strain that it puts on me.

And YES, I have spoken to her parents but they keep trying to play it down and when I ask the question why is it not a good idea for her to move in they cannot give me a valid reason.

Her father, like I said... uses verbal abuse to a "tea" and makes her feel as though she is in the middle and does not want to hurt anybody. He evn threatened her that he will beat her up and then beat me but when she told me this I was over the house staright away and he acted as though nothing happened or was just to coward to say anything to me.

What would your opinion be or what decision would you make?

First let me say that I'm from the United States so I can't speak to your culture in South Africa and how it might be different from ours and how much that will affect my opinion.

It sounds like your girlfriend does not want to upset her parents at any cost, out of fear of retaliation or abandonment. I don't know what the legal age of adulthood is down there but up here it's 18 and I assume it can't be much more then that in South Africa. That being said, your girlfriend is in a comfortable place so to get her to move from there it's not going to be easy, if possible at all. Her parents, even if her dad's abusive, also protect her from society and to someone that's never given up that protection that can be a big fear to face down.

The other reality you might have to face, and I'm not saying this positive, but it might be, is that she just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. People change so much between 15 and 25 and maybe after 7 years she has decided to go in another direction but doesn't know how to let you know.

Evidently her parents have some control issues going on here. Your girlfriend has to make her own decisions. She's certainly in a position where she can be independent of her parents and have a life with you. For whatever reason, her parents are opposed to that idea and she won't go against them. You need to decide whether to hang on in the hopes that she'll eventually change her mind or move on. In my opinion, she should do what she wants and not what her parents want but that's a decision she has to make for herself.

Hi,

Sounds like you're the only one driving a 2-seater in this relationship journey. She's just cruising along and obviously could step up. If you have to force/go through numerous discussions, etc with her to get her "see the point", then the answer is very obvious here for you.

Yes, moving in is a huge step and not to be taken lightly. There could be many possible reasons to why she is behaving as such. But regardless, as one who makes half of this relationship, she has a responsibility towards herself, you, and also your relationship together to be clear on where her stand is - moving forward.

I know of girls who are modern, successful, legally and mentally ready for marriage - they just are a tad "traditional" if I may call it, and that's not a bad thing itself. They would like to get married before moving in, despite all their modern ways with life i.e. career, hobbies, etc.

Though you have stated that you have proposed before and talked about it again since. So, that leaves you in a position to decide:

- What is it that YOU want from life
- What are the actions to achieve them

If she has developed different goals from where you are heading in life, as painful as it is, it is still better to live in truth than shadow play all the time.

Be well and be kind to yourself.

I think that you should wait till your at least in your late 20's. I see good realtionships between couples that married in their late 20's there more like adults and they have enough income to support their family. You may be a adult by law but your still a kid compaired to adultood and when your in your late 20's ideas change and you become a changed person you don't become some person that like to have fun all the time you become you thoughts change, you become more disciplined and that is also what they probably think. But still she should not let her parents control her she is an adult and her parents have no control on what she does. This is her choice why she is with her parents not theirs. And if she won't leave her parents, this relationship won't work even when your dateing and you know it. She's got to grow up or its over. Its harsh I know but it's wats got to happen I understand its been 7 years it is very hard to leave her but it's something you can't control you have even tried. You need to leave it and forget about there is nothing you can do about it if she is not willing to move out.

You need to stop making excuses for your girlfriend. Oh, and blame it all on her parents. I do believe that some parents have a strong hold on there children and that it can cause a lot of heartaches and trouble but on the other hand you need to realise that it is up to your girlfriend to learn how to stand up to her parents and actually start making decisions for her own life no matter what her parents say. She is old enough now. I do not care what her parents say. I can tell you one thing though, from personal experience it will be always a struggle with her parents and with her to stand up to them but if at anytime she finally does, it will be a good thing.

Question is are you willing to stick through with everything no matter how hard it could become with her parents?? Parents should be supportive no matter what, but I know what it can be like with an abusive parent and how controlling and manipulative they can be.

At the same time, it is up to your girlfriend to let it continue or face up to them.

I did follow up your question in your email to me. I agree with man909 and Joe on this. While your gf's Father has a strong hold on her, she is the only one who can make the decision to stand for herself. You cannot stand for her. She is going to go from her parents to you and never experience making her "it" on her own.

If she truly wants to move in with you and become engaged within 6 months, then she is the one who needs to make the changes. If I were you, I would quit pushing this and see what happens.

:p Sweety I wish I was in her shoes right now I wish I had a man that really cared about me instead of just tryin to get at me for one thing but I wish that I could tell you what to do I just dont wanna tell you to do the wrong thing and you get hurt over what I told you but much love goes out to a man like you:p

Until she makes up her mind to be independent, there is nothing you can do but build your own life. She has choices to make, and she is the one who must make them.

They may be old fashioned, and want there daughter married before she moves in, and in that case its up to you to deal with the parents, as to your intentions. Her reluctance may be because while you have your own ideas, they have theirs. They want the security of marriage for their daughter, and I have to agree.