I love my boyfriend and we're really good together, but when we have sex I just feel nothing. It's like "oh hey, there's a penis inside me? ok" I know he isn't just trying to get himself off because he's constantly trying to make me feel good. When he fingers me it feels good, but when we have sex, it's nada.. and he fingered me after the sex because he wanted me to feel pleasure but I didn't feel anything when I usually feel it. The only logical explanation I can think of is if my body turned off all sexual feelings during intercourse because of my being raped. It was a while ago but I haven't tried having sex until just recently with my boyfriend. It's really frustrating. Part of me wants to just fake it because he said if I don't feel good during sex, he won't either and won't be able to come. Is there anyway to fix this?

I think you need to spend more time with your therapist over your past rape. Perhaps you are not completely past that yet. You can be however. I have known women who have been alble to nearly completely continue with a normal life not controlled by their past. And that includes being able to fully enjoy sex.

Hello.

It sounds to me like you need to take it slow and build up to making Love. As you said your body isn't reacting the way you want it to react. Lets turn it around to a more normal situation. If it was your Man that didn't get turned on would you keep trying or would you take it slow and build up to it little by little until he felt like he could control it. I know you don't here about Ladies having the same problem but you do. Take it slow with no preasure for intercourse. Start oraly or even yourself. Work slowly up each step until your mind and body react. You will get it back in time as long as you don't push so hard that you block out all the pleasure for yourself.

Good Luck
Dennis777

To go to a therapist is a good advice though , try to BREATHE together, I mean same rhythm. It's a good advice and take your time.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I think you need to spend more time with your therapist over your past rape. Perhaps you are not completely past that yet. You can be however. I have known women who have been alble to nearly completely continue with a normal life not controlled by their past. And that includes being able to fully enjoy sex.

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I've talked to therapists, but it doesn't seem to do anything. I stopped because I feel it's a waste of money. My boyfriend, however, talks about it with me from time to time to make sure I'm doing OK. He thinks I have some sort of mental block and wants me to go over everything in my past with guys so I can clear my mind. I've told him pretty much everything so I'm not sure what else there is to say. Is there some sort of sexual disorder that prevents you from feeling pleasure during sex? I can't give him oral without freaking out and getting flashbacks so he won't let me try. I want to please him as well as myself but I don't know how to anymore.

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Originally Posted by lostinatrance

I've talked to therapists, but it doesn't seem to do anything. I stopped because I feel it's a waste of money. My boyfriend, however, talks about it with me from time to time to make sure I'm doing ok. He thinks I have some sort of mental block and wants me to go over everything in my past with guys so I can clear my mind. I've told him pretty much everything so I'm not sure what else there is to say. Is there some sort of sexual disorder that prevents you from feeling pleasure during sex? I can't give him oral without freaking out and getting flashbacks so he won't let me try. I want to please him as well as myself but I don't know how to anymore.

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Have you tried a different therapist? Or have you always gone to the same one. It does sound like you do still have issues that need to be resolved and a pro is the best way to do this. I have no advice other than that as I am not a therapist or even in that field.

You're halfway there because you do want to try and aren't trying to avoid the issue altogether. So I'll say it appears you are open to whatever it takes. Now perhaps this is a stretch... but have you tried having him just lay back and be totally passive, and you be the aggressor and the one in control. Perhaps if you aren't the one being subjugated (in your mind anyway) by being on the bottom and passive you can work past the mental block you have remaining since rape is all about control and not about sex. If you are completely in control perhaps that might help. It may take a few tries and not likely to do it in just one try but maybe that will help. Now this can be oral or normal sex. Maybe give it a try a little at a time and stop while you are still comfortable, try sitting on his chest so you retain the feel of control. And if you can't follow all the way through you move on to normal sex. There will not be any cases of blue balls on his part and the frustration that causes. Keep in mind this is just an idea and not professional advice. The couple women I have known who were in this situation told me they are most comfortable in the woman dominant (cowgirl) position. And I base that advice from what they confided in me.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Have you tried a different therapist? Or have you always gone to the same one. It does sound like you do still have issues that need to be resolved and a pro is the best way to do this. I have no advice other than that as I am not a therapist or even in that field.

You're halfway there because you do want to try and aren't trying to avoid the issue altogether. So I'll say it appears you are open to whatever it takes. Now perhaps this is a stretch...but have you tried having him just lay back and be totally passive, and you be the agressor and the one in control. Perhaps if you aren't the one being subjugated (in your mind anyway) by being on the bottom and passive you can work past the mental block you have remaining since rape is all about control and not about sex. If you are completely in control perhaps that might help. It may take a few tries and not likely to do it in just one try but maybe that will help. Now this can be oral or normal sex. Maybe give it a try a little at a time and stop while you are still comfortable, try sitting on his chest so you retain the feel of control. And if you can't follow all the way through you move on to normal sex. There will not be any cases of blue balls on his part and the frustration that causes. Keep in mind this is just an idea and not professional advice. The couple women I have known who were in this situation told me they are most comfortable in the woman dominant (cowgirl) position. And I base that advice from what they confided in me.

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The only problem I have with being ontop is that I'm shy. It's not like I don't know what to do, because I do, to an extent. I feel like I'll mess up or something and I hate being in control of things. About the therapist, I've had several and neither of them seemed to help but talking to my boyfriend does help somewhat.

Listen.. no reason to be shy. Most guys love the woman on top position. I find it puts them in the best position, lets them have some control to move how it works best for them, and allows the man the freedom to use his hands to do whatever you like best. It allows for even greater stimulation than is possible with man on top position. And besides, to your man it makes you look fantastic.

If its helping more talking to him, then by ll means do so. Once you work your way past the mental block you have you can put that part of your life behind you and not let it control the present and future. The fact you recognize it and actively want to get past it means you are halfway there. You have my most heart felt wishes you are able to work it out.

I just think I'll end up looking stupid or doing it wrong. I'm way too paranoid about everything. Thanks for the advice Smoothy.

There is absolutely no way you will look stupid, I for one think it puts any woman in their best light. And unless you move in a way that he slips out then there is no wrong way to do it either. Keep those couple points in mind and enjoy yourself. No reason to be self conscience at all. Trust me... he'll love it, and once you get your confidence up you will REALLY love it too.

Believe me, the view a guy gets with you on top is absoloutely incredible. Get off on what your beauty and pleasure is doing for him. Enjoy!

I for a while had a very hard time climaxing after I was raped by my brother. It had nothing to do with my husband, it was just hard to let myself become intimate. No matter how many therapist you go to you are never going to be over the rape. Even today sometimes I will be in the middle of making love and my husband will turn into my brother. The thing that helps me be intimate with my husband is having him work through it with me... and reasuring myself that everything will be okay.

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Originally Posted by robertsqueen

I for a while had a very hard time climaxing after I was raped by my brother. It had nothing to do with my husband, it was just hard to let myself become intimate. No matter how many therapist you go to you are never going to be over the rape. Even today sometimes I will be in the middle of making love and my husband will turn into my brother. The thing that helps me be intimate with my husband is having him work through it with me...and reasuring myself that everything will be okay.

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Yeah, even when it's not sex.. like if I try giving a blowjob or handjob, no matter what I get flashbacks and I just can't continue. I hate trying because I don't like teasing him. He doesn't mind and even said he doesn't want me trying to do anything if it'll make me feel bad. He helps me through everything but sometimes it's just such an annoyance. Sometimes I look at my boyfriend when we're doing something and I'll see the guy that raped me and I'll start hitting him and getting flashbacks, I feel like such an idiot. I guess only time can tell what will happen and if I can improve on this. Good luck dealing with the rape, it's hard, I know.

I really think some professional help is needed even if it didn't work before take time to find a good one and stick with it. Much luck to you.

Talking to a therapist isn't going to work everything out for you magically the first or third or 10th time you talk to one.

Therapy is an ongoing event where you learn to help yourself by having someone who is TRAINED to help you show you how to grow past your problems.

I had an event (not as traumatic as yours, but traumatic in its own way) in my life 15 years ago, and I STILL see a counselor from time to time about it.

You really really need to see a professional about this, and you need to do the things they tell you. It takes a LONG time to feel as though you have control over your life after an event like rape. You never really get over it, you know--a therapist just helps you learn to deal with it.

I did see a therapist, for more than a year and with the lack of money I felt it was best to stop because it wasn't helping in the slightest and money was needed desperately at the time.