The past 2 days have been the worst 2 days of my life. I am going to be 20 in a matter of weeks but I feel like I am 40. Growing up I had to take care of my parents, they were drunks who always fought. My real father left when I was 2 and I haven't seen him since. I found him a few times while growing up but he never showed any interest in wanting to get to know me. When I was 16 I became pregnant, at 17 I gave birth to twins. 7 months later right after my 18th borthday I moved out of my mothers house. Soon after she started to drugs speed to be exact. She has been addicted since then, sometimes falling asleep at the wheel or while watching my kids. My older brother and sister have been addicted to this drug as well. I have my 14 year old sister living with me, as my mother has not be showing any interest in her and I have been afraid she will go down the same road as my mother. I have been living with my kids father since I moved out of my moms house. We have been together going on 4 years. I am 100 pounds over weight and my body went threw a beating while I was pregnant. I have strech marks on over 80 percent of my body and my stomach looks like the swamp thing. I have low self esteem and I feel like a bad mother. My boyfriend has put me down during fights. And we fight all the time. Its mostly my fault because I am not happy with anything and I have a very short fuse. He can look at me wrong and I fly off the hinges and it turns into a 3 hour fight were at the end I think about killing myself. I have even gone so far as to write out suicide notes and take a bunch of pills. I feel like no one loves me and I'm not worthy of life. I feel like if I stay alive I will only end up breaking my children's spirits. I love my kids but not like I use to. I use to be in love with my children but lately I love them because I feel like I have to. They have done nothing wrong and I feel like such a bad mother for even thinking like that. I have been sleeping a lot lately not wanting to get out of the bed in the morning. I cry for no reason and can't stop. I use to cut myself but I stopped when my kids walked in on me doing it one day. I think about doing it all the time. I feel like a complete nut job that should be locked up somewhere. I have even had the feeling lately that someone is following me. I think myneighboors are spyingon me. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I am afraid to go to the doctors. I don't want to be put in a padded cell and have my kids taken away. I think the only way out is to kill myself. What should I do?

You are a good Mother, You are dealing with a very difficult situation, It is easy to see you care for them. And I Know you want the best for them
Try spend some time with kids, and their father, go to a Park, Anywhere. Money helps, but doesn't
Solve problems, Just forces you to be creative in finding ways to keep mind off things, and
You will get some fresh air.
My girfriend suggest perhaps group discussions with mothers in similar situations.
Do you have Kids Full Time? Sometimes Social Services or other may help with day care if you need. They will be with other kids(good for them)it will give you a break.
Find a hobby or activity for younger sister. You all need to remember that there is more to life than what you have all been used too.
Keep Busy. Take Care

This is not my field. I'm sure better advice will follow.

Crazy Kristi, I wish I knew you in person and could be of more help to you, but I want to ensure you- you are not crazy! In fact you sound very sane and just utterly HUMAN. I could go on about how everyone has problems in life and everyone overcomes them... but we have all heard those stories, and I only want to encourage you that you CAN be one of those people. The things you have dealt with are very real and very difficult to overcome- and you are obviously an amazing person to have pulled it enough together to get your kids a more secure life away from drugs, and to top it of take your little sister in. I take it you nor anybody else has given yo credit for these things... but I hope maybe you can look back and realize how good you have really done.

Like I said I wish I could have more help to you personally, but you have definitely come to the right place to get some emotional support. I don't think you are crazy at all, depressed, stressed out and just feeling at the end of your string, but it is nothing to go to the 'loony bin' over.

I know it may be scary to seek professional help, but there are so many people that go through such difficult times as you have- there is a lot of support out there as well. I will look for some sites for you to browse through and see if you feel it can help you. Otherwise stick around and there are many other caring and knowledgeable members here that I am certain are eager to help you.

Depression Help Is Here And Available To You
Help for depression
Getting Help for Yourself
CarePlace - Welcome!

Just know that you are not alone and I believe that you can get through this.

Shelly

Like s2tp you're just a human who's gone through a lot. I don't think modern medicine can help you that stuff just relieves the symptoms temporarily and your body will actually end up worse. The world around you has affected your way of thinking in your subconscious mind. You are your thoughts. Everything that's wrong with you you can fix yourself. If I knew you personally I would make you read the book "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. He also had suicidal depression and he was able to overcome it with nothing else but his mind and he goes into great detail on how he did it. This book is a godsend and has changed my life. I wish you the best

You're a mother. Your not crazy. And your kids love you more then anything. Imagine if these kids lost you as a mother. Im a kid still and even my mom is depressed, she cuts herself, she drinks after my dad died. If mom dies I think I might kill myself. I couldn't live on. But she's getting better and you should to because imagine what would happen if you did kill yourself. You wouldn't only be ending your life but you would be ending yours kids lives to. And the only way to not let that happen is to love them and support them because the only thing kids need is a mommy. And your there mommy and you're a good mommy. Every mother does a good job because its natural and instinct to do a good jobh. You know what your doing even if your on the edge. Just remember these kids need you and one sacrifice of being a mother is putting there needs before yours, and I doubt killing yourself would be doing themselves something good. I would imagine them themselves would start having suicidal thoughts because they would b picked on, discriminated, unloved, uncared for, and they would feel like the life has ended. And I HOPE you don't want that. So I would suggest going out to L.A and having a big party to brighten your spirits then go on vacation!

You're a mother. Your not crazy. And your kids love you more then anything. Imagine if these kids lost you as a mother. Im a kid still and even my mom is depressed, she cuts herself, she drinks after my dad died. If mom dies I think I might kill myself. I couldn't live on. But she's getting better and you should to because imagine what would happen if you did kill yourself. You wouldn't only be ending your life but you would be ending yours kids lives to. And the only way to not let that happen is to love them and support them because the only thing kids need is a mommy. And your there mommy and you're a good mommy. Every mother does a good job because its natural and instinct to do a good jobh. You know what your doing even if your on the edge. Just remember these kids need you and one sacrifice of being a mother is putting there needs before yours, and I doubt killing yourself would be doing themselves something good. I would imagine them themselves would start having suicidal thoughts because they would b picked on, discriminated, unloved, uncared for, and they would feel like the life has ended. And I HOPE you don't want that. So I would suggest going out to L.A and having a big party to brighten your spirits then go on vacation!

omgyes, the Post is 3 years old and she only Made 1 post, I always hoped she was OK.
Don't know how she can be checked on, Would like to hear that has a Family, Healthy and doing well. I would like to know.

Hey, I just went threw basically the same thing, my dad was addicted to cocaine, my mom was trying to pay off our house, my brother beat the **** out of my dad when he caught him doing, cocaine, I thought it would get better but got worse,you just can't expect everything to stop instantly, takes time and love, but it didn't go that way for my family, my dad eventually went to rehab, and was getting help 2-3 years later still had a cocaine addiction but he wasn't spending 600$+ daily anymore, but then he went back to rehab met a new girl and startted dating her, so I moved in with him, to make sure he wasn't doing any bad ****, like cocaine, he was actually looked healthy, I was shocked, I lived with him for 1 week then went home to my mom, 2 weeks later he was murdered from his girl friend, that was nearly 2 years ago, and its hard for me at times, but I'm getting better in time, sometimes I think I'm crazy but you, just got to think positive hope this helped.