Ask Me Help Desk - How do I get over my first love? It's been 7 years.

Here's my story and no one really seems to be able to help me other than telling me I need to let it go and it's stalkerish behavior. You decide for yourself and please give me input into what you think because I need it. It's been way too long I think I got some serious problems. Comment please.

At the age of 7 I met a girl at my day camp we did everything and I mean everything together. Her parents liked me my parents liked her things were amazing. We used to meet at the pool almost everyday to go swimming (which at the time seemed fun and very special) spending every moment together almost literally. By the age of 11 or 12 we had had all sorts of sex mostly because of dares but it became more personal though obviously not knowing exactly what we were doing we did understand you only do that for someone you truly care for and we did understand love to some degree, puppy love perhaps but nonetheless. And about at the age of 12 or so she had to move her parents decided obviously. She came a few months later to that same pool I had come to every day and we spent a great day at the pool until they closed she gave me her new number and kissed me goodbye...

It's been about 6 or 7 years now and though I've dated many many girls I've never cared for any of them nearly as much as I did her. To tell you the truth I of course remember all their names and birthdays and such but I don't feel that I was ever in love with any of them mainly because my first relationship never really ended. Subconsciously I believed someday I would meet up with her again and it would be like some kind of movie or something though obviously movies aren't reality. I constantly searched through Google and many personal informational sites where you have to pay, figure for 400 dollars it's all good, just recently I found her on myspace. Which is great, only thing is she's pregnant. In a way it seems to put to rest all the thoughts of wondering where she is and what she's doing but it kills all the dreams I had to.

Am I crazy?

I'm not really sure if anyone knows how I feel or had an experience even close to mine but if you did how the heck did you get over it? The more I try to forget the more she's in my mind. Everyone says it's a really stupid thing to think maybe we'll get back together or fall in love or whatever but I still have hopes. I'm into therapy (as in I'm interested in not taking classes) so I have a feeling I know what you might say so if you say any of these I will laugh.

1. It's a classic case of memory distortion, it wasn't as good as you thought it was, you weren't even old enough to know what love was. I know what I felt and it was real to me.
2. Give it time. It's been 7 years and the pain is just kicking in.
3. Don't give up. She's pregnant and married I think it's safe enough to say it's over.

Anything else I would be glad to hear! Thanks!

My god! Its in the past, leave it where it is...

Glad your in therapy, Good Luck.

The reason why you probably can't get over her is because your comparing your other gf's w/ her don't do that start new... and learn that she's your first love... and cherish it, but don't let it take over your life...

Well I guess since I can't rate you ill let you know here that I took it as you think I'm crazy and it's good I'm in therapy. I can't afford it and that's a big reason I'm into it but how do you tell your feelings about logic? I can't get over it should I save up a couple hundred dollars mowing lawns? Any advice would be great.

The past is a hard thing to let go of, especially when it was such a magical time - in your memories that is. The thing is though that it was just reality same as every day to you is now. You peed, you ate, you argued with your mother and father same as you probably do now. However sometimes in life you have to learn to let go for your own benefit. But how do you let go when you 'loved' someone? Answer is you probably ever won't but you can choose to move on.

You concentrate on your life and what goals you want to achieve. You work towards them. You join clubs, start sports, go to the gym, start a new job and meet new people. You never let an opportunity down when it comes up. You exercise, improve yourself and one day maybe someone will want to share their life with you. When this happens though you must remember to have your own life to, to not be 100% with them as this is unhealthy and not attractive.

Now the more you keep busy, the more days go past, your realize one day that she's no longer in your thoughts, merely a happy memory in the distant past - where it should remain. Your current life will no longer be dictated by the past. Don't forget you're the only one who controls your destiny no on else. So make it happen for you.

Do you need therapy? Why waste your time and money, work on your issues yourself and your come out a stronger person. Hardship and pain help us grow as a person, make your life happen today!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

At the age of 7 I met a girl at my day camp we did everything and I mean everything together. Her parents liked me my parents liked her things were amazing. We used to meet at the pool almost everyday to go swimming (which at the time seemed fun and very special) spending every moment together almost literally. By the age of 11 or 12 we had had all sorts of sex mostly because of dares but it became more personal though obviously not knowing exactly what we were doing we did understand you only do that for someone you truly care for and we did understand love to some degree, puppy love perhaps but nonetheless.

First thing is you understood it to be that you only do that for someone you truly care for, you can’t then and you can NEVER speak for what she understood it to mean.

This is the problem that people run into when they have sex at such a young age. They think, like you thought then and are still thinking now to some degree that sex = love. At 11 or 12 sex = sex it does not equal love. On top of that, the sex you had wasn’t a result of puppy love as you but because other people dared you to do it.

I think what happened to a degree is that at such a young age and with no other experience or information to draw from you brain determined that this was a life long love and created this fantasy that she would be with you forever. Immediatetly, as I read this it reminded me of the TV show “Wings” from the 90’s where the main girl character had a lifetime crush on the main guy character that went back to there childhood. Of course, in that show and every other show and movie the guy and girl always wind up together. Now think about that for a second, I can tell you the TV show, and the story but I can’t even remember the character’s names. That’s the power of fantasy.

That’s also the power of the fantasy of Hollywood, but that fantasy when we try and apply it to our own lives never works. They have to write shows and movies like that because the audience needs the pay off for their emotional investment in the characters. But in real life most of the time, like 99.9% of the time the fantasy is never going to get paid off. We as people hold onto something looking for a payoff or a completion but it never comes. Include the fact that you were so young and the fantasy started to take on a life of it’s own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

And about at the age of 12 or so she had to move her parents decided obviously. She came a few months later to that same pool I had come to every day and we spent a great day at the pool til they closed she gave me her new number and kissed me goodbye...

Look at the way you just described that. Just like a perfect Hollywood ending. She left, she came back, we shared a special kiss goodbye.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

It's been about 6 or 7 years now and though I've dated many many girls I've never cared for any of them nearly as much as I did her. To tell you the truth I of course remember all their names and birthdays and such but I don't feel that I was ever in love with any of them mainly because my first relationship never really ended.

Your first relationship was never a relationship. Again that’s what happens when you start having sex so young, your emotions can’t keep up or react to what’s going on in your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

Subconsciously I believed someday I would meet up with her again and it would be like some kind of movie or something though obviously movies aren't reality. I constantly searched through google and many personal informational sites where you have to pay, figure for 400 dollars it's all good, just recently I found her on myspace. Which is great, only thing is she's pregnant. In a way it seems to put to rest all the thoughts of wondering where she is and what she's doing but it kills all the dreams I had to.

Real life generally kills the reality of all our dreams though. I say that not to get you down, but our brains are powerful in what they can create and what they can lead us to believe. If you don’t focus the brain yourself it can take over and create situations just like this one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

Am I crazy?

No. I think you just let a fantasy get the best of you and it took a life of it’s own. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed by consciously steering your brain where you want it to go and telling yourself that the thoughts your having are not helping you. It’s going to take some work after 7 years but it’s not impossible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

I'm not really sure if anyone knows how I feel or had an experience even close to mine but if you did how the heck did you get over it? The more I try to forget the more she's in my mind. Everyone says it's a really stupid thing to think maybe we'll get back together or fall in love or whatever but I still have hopes. I'm into therapy (as in I'm interested in not taking classes) so I have a feeling I know what ya'll might say so if you say any of these I will laugh.

Are you in therapy for this or something else? What does your therapist say about this situation?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

1. It's a classic case of memory distortion, it wasn't as good as you thought it was, you weren't even old enough to know what love was. I know what I felt and it was real to me.

Well I guess your laughing now. But it wasn’t love, you weren’t old enough to know what love was. It may have felt real to you, but it wasn’t real love, she obviously didn’t think so.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

2. Give it time. It's been 7 years and the pain is just kicking in.

Actually I would say if it’s been 7 years then you are right to seek help. This should not have gone on this long.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

3. Don't give up. She's pregnant and married I think it's safe enough to say it's over.

I’d say not only is it over, it never started.
Furthermore, your’re remembering how she was and how you were. You are not taking into consideration that she’s grown and changed as a person. In a way this has stopped you from growing as a person. Because of your age it allows you to remain a kid again but because of the sex and feelings it allows you to be an adult. So in a way you have the best of both worlds. You get the intimacy of the adult life but the carefree, no worries, and playfulness of childhood.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metallic

Anything else I would be glad to hear! Thanks!

Hopefully it helped at some level. But the last thing I would leave you with is that you have lived for her to a degree for the last 7 years, start living for and doing some things for yourself and see if that helps.

Hi Metallic !

I read your story, and it is the same as mine. I am in love with that 21 year old boy for more than 13 years. We were not even a boyfriend or girlfriend yet. We were just starting. I haven't meet anyone who has that kindness and such a wonderful heart. I knew that we love each other , but we are not lucky to have each other. I did move on, but my mind was still there for him. I could not love my boyfriend perfectly because in my mind no one can compare to him.

He now has a wife and the two daughters I know where is he, and I know he is very happy with his family. I just leave it , and be happy for him. I know I still love him so much. Sometimes, I still want to come and talk to him. But I try to control myself. Let it go. Because I want him to be happy and it is enough.

Metallic. I think we obsess with our thought. We both have our first love when we were too young. Beyond the perfection, We actually did not know much about the one we love. Remember that you might be more than 20 year old now. And, you are currently in love with the 12 year old girl, not the woman as she is now.

People are changing. She will not be the 12 year old girl that you love.

I hope my thought can wake either you or me up from our imagination.

The Boy or Girl that we are used to love is not the same. You or me might just the past in their heart.

I know it is really hard to forget the one who are so impressive to you. But we got to learn how to live our own life.

Wish you the best !

MCP

I have sort of a similar story, it turns out that while I fell in love with my "first", he was actually cheating on me. He's a total jerk, but I still think about him and the situation a lot. Someone told me that our firsts are kind of like being a baby duck - when the little chicks hatch, they look to the first creature they encounter, and they "imprint" a bond with that creature. We are like those little chicks who have imprinted a bond, however, the bond is not with someone who loves us in return. It sucks so much, but we need to keep redirecting our energy elsewhere so that we can take care of ourselves.

Wow, I can't get over how many people there are out there just like us. I'm 6 months now into dealing with this mess and I'd like to share with you what I've learned.

My situation was 30 years ago. I was deeply in love with a HS boyfriend who, after to moving to another part of the country, I found out was cheating on me while we were together.

Here are some thoughts that might be helpful to you:

1) go to lostlovers.com and JOIN!! The teen years and lost love are entirely different chemically than any other time in your life.
2) read my story under anything from "tilthen"
3) My love was madly in love with me. Now when I look back on it, I think far more so than I was with him. But, after a sudden illness this past year, I reached back out to him for the first time. I was ignored. It devistated me and gave rise to all of these "old" and intense feelings. I've behaved like a nut. Especially towards someone who did me so wrong and who I made the conscious choice to give up back then. I had many chances to hold on to him, but back then I was wise and let him go.

Now anyone who has not been through what we are going through can't help you (I think). You have to live through this to understand.

I'm better now than a few months ago, so I've learned a few things.

First is to love myself. I had a bad relationship with my father and I think that has everything to do with this now.

Next is to remember the love we had and know that NO ONE can ever take that away from me. I can hear his words and they are comforting to me.

I've destroyed every physical thing I had that reminded me of him (at first I was sorry I did - now I'm glad). I had love letters that were 30 years old and a dried up old rose he once gave me.

I'm focusing now on the negatives about him, not the sweet positives that I remember. Like... he was married 4 times - would I be willing to be #5? He has treated me like I'm nothing to him now - I'm taking that for face value. Who wants to be with someone who they are nothing too.

I am married and although there are some serious issues with my husband, he adores me and I am immersing myself in his love. Selfish - yes, but so what.

I've done 3 huge nice things for myself lately and I'm still counting. I've always been the giving type and for once - at 50 years old - I'm taking care of ME!!

I will get past this with time and so will you. But it is really hard and you have to be strong for yourself and do many many things that are in your best interest now. Don't try to understand why you are going through this. That just keeps you in the moment. Work hard and even harder at figuring this out minute by minute - keep your mind off it. Every day that goes by gets a little easier. Then some days I relapse.

Finally, I asked myself yesterday, what if he were to call me today - what would I tell him (and by the way, I believe one day he will) -

I learned that I am a special kind of person that loves very deeply and unselfishly. People like him are poison to people like me. I never again want to invite into my life anyone like him. I love myself - first - second and third - period. That is my bottom-line. It wasn't easy to come to that conclusion because it goes against my nature, but you know what - it feels really good and I know it's right FOR ME!!

Happiness to you friend - you deserve it.

This is why movies like The Notebook need to be banned, it gives the false illusion that every relationship in your teenage years will turn out that way. This "relationship" is far past over, why you feel the need to try and get back with her after all these years is kind of weird to be honest. I would let it go, but since it doesn't seem you are going to take our advice, have fun looking like a stalker to her

OLD POST - June 2007.