I am a 20 year old male, gay, and I am hopelessly in love with my roommate of three years. He, unfortunately, has all the symptoms of straightness. Most importantly, he has a girlfriend who he loves to have sex with.. I think. Through the years, he has become my best friend. He knows I'm gay and I have accepted that I shouldn't look for a relationship in his direction. That was all nice and fine until school let out this summer and we decided to rent a house together. His girlfriend took and internship in another state and he sees her maybe once every two weeks. Since the beginning of May, he has started to act really flirty with me and unfortunately it is working and I'm starting to fall for him in a way I haven't in a few years.

He always sits next to me with some part of his body touching me. Sometimes he randomly grabs me from behind and tells me he loves me. Sometimes he'll just sit in my lap. He gives me a lot of attention and the first thing he does when he gets home is find me and ask me what I want to do with him that afternoon. A few days he opened up to me about a couple of things he never told me before including that he didn't want to go see his girlfriend this weekend. He said it was too much of a hassle and he'd just rather stay here.

Anyway, as the weeks wore on, I started to get more and more hopeful about the possibility of something forming between us. Then all of a sudden, two days ago, he withdrew. Then his girlfriend came over to surprise him and he spent the whole weekend with her making sex sounds in their room. I hadn't realized that I had gotten so attached to him. It actually hurt me hearing those sounds on the way to the bathroom.

What should I do? I don't think I have the will power required to avoid him. He'll sense it anyway and try to get me to go out with him or something which I'll do without thinking.

Ugh, I'm in a similar situation. It's really hard to read "straight" guys because there is always a doubt about their sexuality. Unfortunately, avoiding your guy is like sneaking in after curfew, you are doomed to fail. I'd suggest that if you haven't gotten over it by the time your lease is up, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

You should tell him to keep it down in the bedroom, too. It is very inconsiderate to have loud sex while others are in earshot, especially since he's been hitting on you.

One quick question: how did he "withdraw" from you?

I just signed up for another year of living with him.

He isn't loud in the bedroom, I just heard a soft moan, but I mean it still hurts.

By withdraw, I mean that I had become used to him always sitting next to me. I would sit anywhere and be doing anything and he would eventually be curled up around me, leaning on me, or just simply sitting there touching me. He hasn't done that at all in the last two or three days. It wouldn't be noticeable if it wasn't something that became so common. Also it seemed like he didn't want to go out to eat alone with me last Friday.

Thanks for your answer.

Time for the hard talk, and maybe some hard decisions, as if something will not happen, you will need to know so you can decide if living together with one who is unavailable can be done. I imagine with your feelings, it would be hard to live together, and not get the same feelings back that you want to give.

Ouch, that year-long extension may have been a mistake. Try to keep a busy schedule so you don't see him as much. Date others frequently, whether you want to. Dating will do two things, show you there are other fish in the sea and keep you away from this guy. I hate to say avoid him, but creating space is the only way you'll get over him.

If he ends up coming out-and wanting to get with you-great for you! Just be careful since you live together. If it doesn't work out, you'll either have to live with him 'til your lease is up or go through the hassle of subleasing (it's awful!! ).

Thanks. I was considering just talking to him about it before I decide to just up and avoid him. I have been dating other guys on and off during the time I knew him, but I have to admit, he was at the forefront of my mind all the time. He is my best friend after all. We more than get along, we are pretty much two sides of the same coin. Pulling myself away from him will be pretty hard. I mean I do love him and he does love me. Whether its romantic or not is anyone's guess.

I know what you mean. I'm in a similar situation. When I'm around my friend that I have a crush on, it just seems right. I try to keep my distance now because I know that if I'm around him, I'll only like him more.

Yeah he is definitely avoiding me now... I guess its best. I'll just avoid him just the same.

Hold on honey... he sat in your lap? I am seriously questioning he sexuality; are you sure he is straight. It sounds to me like he was maybe being himself around you when his girlfriend was not around but when she came around again he "withdrew" in order to hide his feelings. If he is your best friend a talk about this would not harm your relationship, especially if he has been giving you mixed messages. I'm no expert on this type of situation but this all adds up to me... Good luck and let us know how it goes!

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Originally Posted by Synder

He, unfortunately, has all the symptoms of straightness.

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Symptoms? Do gay guys have symptoms? :p

I could go Republican, Church-loving right-wing on you and claim homosexuality is an illness you need to be cured of, but I'm just playing around...

Anyway you really need to just ask him. Whatever answer he gives, that's what you'll have to live with (even if he tells you he's straight and you think he might be in the closet, it doesn't matter until he admits to YOU he's gay).


--huno

P.S.: so... symptoms, eh? What are the symptoms of heterosexuality, anyway? :D

All this dancing around waiting, wanting, hoping! You can debate all you want and never really know, unless you talk. People who can't talk will never know if your wasting time or not.

I'm not sure, but it sounds like he's questioning his sexuality, and he's afraid of admitting it to himself, so he had sex with his girlfriend all weekend just to prove to himself that he's not gay.

I think you guys are right. I'll talk to him today if he doesn't avoid me so much I can't find him!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by huno

Symptoms? Do gay guys have symptoms? :p

I could go Republican, Church-loving right-wing on you and claim homosexuality is an illness you need to be cured of, but I'm just playing around...

Anyway you really need to just ask him. Whatever answer he gives, that's what you'll have to live with (even if he tells you he's straight and you think he might be in the closet, it doesn't matter until he admits to YOU he's gay).


--huno

P.S.: so... symptoms, eh? What are the symptoms of heterosexuality, anyway? :D

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Um, well I was using the term lightly. The symptoms he exhibits are that he has sex with a woman and acts all interested in girls. Through he lied to me about having lesbian porn once...

If he's not ready to tell you that he's gay, he won't. You'll be in the same spot if he says he's straight. Before I came out, I denied being gay when people asked me about it, and there is good reason to think he'd be doing the same thing.

Maybe you could ask him to stop being so affectionate if he starts curling up next to you after the girlfriend leaves. Don't be a douche about it, but explain to him that his behavior makes you doubt his sexuality and you don't know how to react to it.

I should just talk to him. I'm not afraid, I just thought things were building up to that away with the way he was flirting. Since he's being so weird this week I'll just confront him.

It sounds like he is confused. Maybe he was starting to feel things for you but it has scared him. I would say give him some space, not necessarily avoid him, but try not to put pressure on him. I think if you play things cool and let him come to you when he is ready might help. I just hope that if you do talk to him he might get scared or feel defensive about you questioning his sexuality- but then he IS your best friend and he knows your gay so he should have been fully aware of what he was doing as he was being so friendly with you...

I hope it all works out OK.

I swear. He is still avoiding me, but he doesn't seem to be able to very well. I'll talk to him and he'll get all friendly for a few minutes then clam up like he realized something was wrong. Why is he acting this way? I wasn't the one hitting on him, he was in the driving seat there. This is crappier than when he was confusing me about his sexuality. He's treating me like I don't mean anything to him when just last week, he was treating me like I meant everything to him. I can't talk to him when he's acting like this!

This must be extremely difficult for you. I am going to stick with the idea that he is very confused too- he seems to want to be friendly and comfortable but something scares him and makes him want to avoid the situation. Have you asked him if everything is OK? Have you ever discussed his sexuality before? Maybe he started to feel things and didn't like it, and is trying to deal with that. Have you always known you were gay? Or did you go through a confused period- like he may be experiencing. I am a straight female, so I really am clueless as to how it feels- but maybe you can think back to how things have made you feel and try to understand what he is going through. Is his girlfriend still around? Do you have other friends you can go out and just give each other some space and try to talk about it later?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Synder

I am a 20 year old male, gay, and I am hopelessly in love with my roommate of three years. He, unfortunately, has all the symptoms of straightness. Most importantly, he has a girlfriend who he loves to have sex with.. I think. Through the years, he has become my best friend. he knows I'm gay and I have accepted that I shouldn't look for a relationship in his direction. That was all nice and fine until school let out this summer and we decided to rent a house together. his girlfriend took and internship in another state and he sees her maybe once every two weeks. Since the beginning of May, he has started to act really flirty with me and unfortunately it is working and I'm starting to fall for him in a way I haven't in a few years.

He always sits next to me with some part of his body touching me. Sometimes he randomly grabs me from behind and tells me he loves me. Sometimes he'll just sit in my lap. He gives me a lot of attention and the first thing he does when he gets home is find me and ask me what I want to do with him that afternoon. A few days he opened up to me about a couple of things he never told me before including that he didn't want to go see his girlfriend this weekend. He said it was too much of a hassle and he'd just rather stay here.

Anyway, as the weeks wore on, I started to get more and more hopeful about the possibility of something forming between us. Then all of a sudden, two days ago, he withdrew. Then his girlfriend came over to surprise him and he spent the whole weekend with her making sex sounds in their room. I hadn't realized that I had gotten so attached to him. it actually hurt me hearing those sounds on the way to the bathroom.

What should I do? I don't think I have the will power required to avoid him. He'll sense it anyway and try to get me to go out with him or something which I'll do without thinking.

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Well, if he's straight and knows you're gay, it sure was unusual of him to get all touchy and cuddly with you. Straight guys normally don't do that with gay guys - or do they?