Ask Me Help Desk - Am I justified? What to do?

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have a son together. When we first met, he was making porn with a friend. He was always calling girls and have the girls call him, etc. I asked him to stop, because it was not something I could accept. Now, he uses myspace and his phone to text other girls he knew in previous relationships. He claims they are all innocent. He is actually a nice guy, but I just don't know what to think. I have got to where I check his myspace messages and email just to see what he has sent/received. He changed his phone password, so I can't access it. In the last week, he has told an old friend that the girl her family saw him with was a good friend from work (not so) and gave his phone number to his ex-fiance'. We had a huge fight. He says in both cases it is completely innocent and that I was wrong to read the things he sent. I am wrong for accessing his mail, but what about the messages he is sending these women? What do I do? How should I deal with this. I've asked him to leave, but we have "worked" things out. I don't really believe the explanations he gave for sending the messages and I feel there is something more than what is he says. I feel conflicted over my behavior and his actions. Please -- any advice/comments are appreciated.

Well, yes, you were wrong to snoop through his stuff. You should trust him unless there is good reason not to trust him.

I have a series of questions: did you find anything while snooping through his stuff? Why did you start dating this guy if his career in pornography was offensive to you? Are you with this guy just because of your child? Do you love him? What were the problems you "worked out"?

Given the information you have already given, you should leave this guy. Work out a suitable custody arrangement and move on with your life. It is unhealthy for all three of you to be in a household without love, respect and trust.

You should definitely leave this huy why would you want to be involved with such a person. Emailing talking to other girls in that way. His a creep and your being sucked in. Find someone who will lovw and treat you with respect who you can have a happy life with cause it isn't going to be this guy I can tell you that. GET OUT NOW. You will look back and say thank god I didn't end up with him...

What does making porn with a friend mean, and is he still doing it?? If he was that way when you met him, did you expect him to change, or that you could change him??

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

What does making porn with a friend mean, and is he still doing it?? If he was that way when you met him, did you expect him to change, or that you could change him??

To answer your question: He and a friend got together and took pics/videos of other women in different scenes or fetishes. I never believed I could change him. For the first year we were together, I tried to accept the whole pron thing. It wasn't like I just up and said for him not to do it. We did have several discussions. In the end, his friend was hurt. Also in addition to the other crap that has gone on. His friend send a message telling him he had to be more professional because my boyfriend supposedly called and asked one of their models to meet him at a motel, Of course my boyfriend explained it away and said his friend did it just because he was angry over the situation.

Quote:

From americangayboy: I have a series of questions: did you find anything while snooping through his stuff?

Several messages that should not have been sent if he is with me.

Quote:

Why did you start dating this guy if his career in pornography was offensive to you?

In the beginning I didn't know and then when I found out, I tried to be cool with it because it was something he had been doing for a while.

Quote:

Are you with this guy just because of your child?

At this point I don't know. When we talk our son never comes up and the conversation is about us as a couple. He knows I am fully capable of doing things alone.

Quote:

Do you love him?

I do, but I'm hating his behaviors.

Quote:

What were the problems you "worked out"?

Actually, He thought they were worked out. Obviously I still have reservations. He has a convenient excuse for everything. In all other areas, he is a sincere person, but (and I quote his words) "he can sell water to a well." I'm not a well.

When he was doing the whole porn thing-which led to my distrust- he would meet a girl in the grocery store and have her call him to arrange for pics. He told me he "had to come at the girls as if he wanted to get with them." On top of that, the friend he was doing the shoots with cheats on his wife constantly. I was hearing things not only from my boyfriend, but from the girls the guy was seeing. All that combined and the stigma of being involved in porn is what led to me asking him to stop.

Hi there, this guy certainly doesn't deserve you. Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds... to have a comfortable relationship, whilst still enjoying the 'single' life at the same time. It's meant to be about trust, and he obviously has something to hide if he has his phone locked! I'd give him an ultimatum... it's you or these other girls. You deserve so much better. Don't live a half life just to keep him xx

Yeah, drop him like a bad habit. It sounds like he's a bit of a snake. His disrespectful behavior is recurring against your will (and he knows it's against your will!). Work out a custody arrangement, be amicable with him but don't ever take him back. If you think you will, have him pick up and drop off your child at your parents' house or something like that. Good luck and I hope you find someone better very soon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ceeceesworld

When we first met, he was making porn with a friend. He was always calling girls and have the girls call him, etc. I asked him to stop, because it was not something I could accept. Now, he uses myspace and his phone to text other girls he knew in previous relationships.

He was doing it when you first met and he is probably still doing it. You may not have said you wanted to change him but you asked him to stop... which is the same thing. Not busting you on this but I will get to the point in a minute.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ceeceesworld

He is actually a nice guy

A nice guy wouldn't be calling his ex's behind your back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ceeceesworld

His friend send a message telling him he had to be more professional b/c my boyfriend supposedly called and asked one of their models to meet him at a motel

Even his friend is questioning his behavior.

My point is that checking his email, myspace, and phone behind his back my not have been the way to approach it. But I can understand as you were given all the signs. His words do not match his behavior. He says one thing and does another.

Its hard to give advice not knowing the whole situation... but I would say that trust is a huge problem right now. He also makes excuses for his actions and doesn't take responsibility for them. He also tries to place the blame on you as you "Misunderstand" his actions... which is a crock.

It sounds like he doesn't see anything wrong with his actions and is unwilling to change them. So... how do you be in a relationship like this? Simple answer -->>> you can't.