Ask Me Help Desk - How to teach a stubborn child?

Good everning!everyone
My husband has a 9 years old girl. She live with us every odd number week. She is a very stubborn girl--never listen to any body( besides her mother). My daughter is 3 years old. I'm so worry about she just learns all bad habits from her sister. In fact, she is becoming a stubborn girl now. This problem almost kill me. Please teach me how to teach them to be obedient?
Thank you!

Helen

What do you mean by stubborn? Please give some examples of how she acts.

It's called tough love. You probably don't want to go there with the girl because she already has a mother. But while she's in your care, you can teach her just as you please. All children are stubborn (fact of life). I know I was (and still am). But, you have to remember- while the child may seem like nothing is registering in his/her brain, they are really taking it all in. these thoughts and opinions consume them till adult years, and when the time comes for them to start taking responsibility, they'll remember everything you told them. Things will start to make sense and they will start putting the puzzle pieces together. But for now, sadly, it will always be a tough ride. Just be strong and remember- you're the adult!

Quote:

Originally Posted by tr3sha

it's called tough love. all children are stubborn (fact of life).

I'm not sure this is a situation calling for tough love; we don't know enough about it yet. And all children are NOT stubborn! In fact, most of the children I've known well from babysitting, my relatives' kids, my friends' kids, my own kids, kids I taught in school were NOT stubborn.

We need to know more about this situation.

Hello, wonderfulgirl!
Thank you so much for your response!I've tears by your encouragement!
For an example for the stubborn, if you let her put her feet down when she put her feet on the top of the air condition of the car when someone is driving; when you tell her don't jump on the bed with her little sister; when you tell her don't play the water when the water already spill over the sink... she just ignore or just keep crying, if you don't stop her, she just crying a hour until you say sorry to her. Her all behaviors in my memory are "no!", crying and stamp her feet.
I really don't know how to teach her.
Thank you for your helping!!
Helen

Helen, I have to agree with Wondergirl here. Not all children are stubborn. In my experience the only ones who are, are the ones we let be.

When you say no, you mean NO. If she cries and stomps her feet, let her cry until her eyes are swollen from crying or her feet are sore from stomping. Remember, you are the parent, you make the rules.

You should NEVER say you are sorry to a child for making rules and having them obey them. The only time one ever says they are sorry is if they are wrong.

This girl sounds spoiled rather than stubborn.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelenZ369

if you let her put her feet down when she put her feet on the top of the air condition of the car when someone is driving; when you tell her don't jump on the bed with her little sister; when you tell her don't play the water when the water already spill over the sink....Her all behaviors in my memory are "no!", crying and stamp her feet.

Helen, there are lots of loving mothers here who have good sense and lots of experience dealing with all kind of problems in childraising. We will offer suggestions. It will be up to you to try out different ones and figure out what works.

It sounds like she's trying you out and pushing your buttons. Do you know if she behaves this way with her mother?

You have a special place in her life as her stepmother. Where is her father in all of this? Does he support you, and has he told her that she has to mind you when she is at your home?

It sounds like every time you say no to her, she acts up and does exactly the opposite of what you want her to do. If you make a rule about jumping on the bed, she will soon jump on the bed, just to see what you will do. Then you shout no, and she shouts no and cries and is naughty some more and you are upset yet again. And, like you said, meanwhile your own daughter sees all this and wants to get into the action too.

Does she have toys and games and dolls and other things to play with when she's at your house? What about getting a backpack and filling it will all sorts of things she has never seen, things she can play with--little story books, a small doll with several outfits, some small boxed jigsaw puzzles, some costume jewelry and dress-up clothes like a hat and gloves etc. some workbooks or sticker books--things that would be fun and are not messy to clean up like paints or glitter. Have enough stuff so you could put half or a third of the total into the backpack, hold back the rest for another visit, so she will get only part of the total at one visit, and keep switching them around, so each time she comes over, she gets a new batch of stuff to play with. This could be her special backpack only for when she comes to visit--and let her use a permanent marker to put her name on it (but take the marker away then!).

Spend fun time with her. Put a heavy vinyl tablecloth on the kitchen table or a card table and bring out PlayDoh. Sit down with her (while you little one is napping, so this is special time with you and the girl) and make animals and people and pieces of fruit and vegetables together. Or this would be the time to do some creative stuff like writing a book together. Take printer or typing paper, cut it into 4" wide strips, staple them together in the middle, and first talk about a story, then print it on the pages, then draw and color pictures for the story. You let her do a lot of the work, but you are the coach behind the scenes, so to speak.

There are lots of activity idea books at the public library. Take her there or go alone and find some. Ask one of the children's librarians for help, if you can't find activity books. They will probably be around 649.1 or on a special parent-teacher shelf. Otherwise, ask me. I have more ideas!

Oh, and in the car (especially if she's misbehaving), don't scold and yell since you know what will happen. Instead start singing "Old MacDonald" or "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or some such song. Before you know it, she will be too busy to misbehave. Or recite nursery rhymes or sing Sunday School songs she knows. Just don't start clapping your hands and forget you're driving!

The main thing is you want her visit to be fun for her, for you, and for your daughter. There are lots of ways to make that happen. The busier she is, the happier everyone will be.

P.S. I didn't tell you about baking, but that's another post.

I think this child is testing you.

I think so too... I have a 4 year old girl too and she is exactly the way you described your hubby's little girl.. really hard before but now its OK... I do the same NO to her.. I let her cry all day night if she wanted to but then right after that she realizes that she is wrong that is why I let her cry, after her hours of crying when she stops I explain to her evrything.. the reason why I did not let her do such thing why I said no, why I let her cry why I did this and that.then after that I'll tell her I did it because I love her,then she'll smile and hug me and say I love you too mommy, I won't do that again.. hard to watch her cry but you need to be tough, specially if you are like me single mom!