Heya everyone, its been a while since I have written here, kind of miss it!

Well I have started dating someone for about 2 months now, and well its just been rocky- to the point that I don't know if its even worth it to keep trying. I had my wall up in the beginning, but he wanted in and we were really clicking so I have let my wall down and we were getting closer. Somewhere along it all I feel like he has distanced himself and I just don't feel like I get enough in return... I am constantly questioning myself and him- as to whether we both want this relationship equally.

He is 12 years older than me, which is a really nice change for me, and he seems to be more patient and understanding with me, but I feel like that patience is wearing out. I am not good with communicating my thoughts and feelings in relationships. I keep trying to write in my diary or write him letters, but it is frusterating him because I am not coming right out and talking about it. I am so afraid to though- what if I say something wrong or say too much and it ends everything...

Well I guess I need to come up with a question here... anyone have any suggestions to better communicate? My thing is that I am afraid to ask for more attention or to tell him I don't feel like he appreciates me enough- I get scared he won't understand, but otherwise I am sitting here not being happy.

Any wise words of wisdom out there? How do others feel about telling their feelings?
What is the point where one is trying too hard and should give up?:confused:

There are so many sites out there that offer how to communicate and relationship tips. But I want to ask why are you afraid? Is this fear something you pick up from him, that he might disapprove? Does he intimidate you at all, with his age and experience?

I used to have that same problem, being afraid to ask for what I needed in a relationship, and it stemmed from a lack of self assurance and self esteem. Are you okay within yourself? What holds you back? What is the worst case scenario if you tell him what you need from him? How could you prepare for that? What is the best possible scenario you can think of? You could be just borrowing worry, so to speak. Maybe you could benefit from a one to one counseling with a relationship counselor. Even just one visit, to get things off your chest and have someone evaluate your feelings. You are not abnormal, many people experience what you are going through.

Some relationship type sites:
Communication - a relationship skill: iVillage
Communicate Your Way To A Healthier Relationship
Personality and Relationships
Relationships & Partners : Communication Skills : Discovery Health
How to Communicate Better in Your Relationship | eHow.com
Relationship: Communicate

Two months is not a lot of time to really know someone, so maybe a little bit more relaxing on your part and having fun, while you find out more about him would be better than trying to get to deep right off the bat. Explore and learn about him, and keep your emotional distance for now. Having a good time is what's important now.

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Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

There are so many sites out there that offer how to communicate and relationship tips. But I want to ask why are you afraid? Is this fear something you pick up from him, that he might disapprove? Does he intimidate you at all, with his age and experience?

I used to have that same problem, being afraid to ask for what I needed in a relationship, and it stemmed from a lack of self assurance and self esteem. Are you okay within yourself? What holds you back? What is the worst case scenario if you tell him what you need from him? How could you prepare for that? What is the best possible scenario you can think of? You could be just borrowing worry, so to speak. Maybe you could benefit from a one to one counseling with a relationship counselor. Even just one visit, to get things off your chest and have someone evaluate your feelings. You are not abnormal, many people experience what you are going through.

Some relationship type sites:
Communication - a relationship skill: iVillage
Communicate Your Way To A Healthier Relationship
Personality and Relationships
Relationships & Partners : Communication Skills : Discovery Health
How to Communicate Better in Your Relationship | eHow.com
Relationship: Communicate

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Yeah I actually started looking at sites the other night but nothing was really hitting the questions I have. I used to come here a lot and I know it helped me and I have seen a lot of good advice, so here I am again. I have already received good advice from you, and your observation helps me step out of my box.

As for why I am afraid- well with him he is actually really good listener and when I do get myself to talk I feel better, but I have had several relationships in the past that when I tried to talk they didn't want to listen or deal with it... so I would say that has made me gun shy-so to say. He knows this, and he has been very patient and tries to encourage me to talk, but when I start to feel like I have more to talk about I feel like I am just thinking and worrying too much. He is not the only guy I have had this problem with, so its even more so frustrating.

As for myself esteem, I am actually quite confident in most all other aspects. I know I am a good person, I am trusting and loyal- these are even things he has highlighted as what he really likes about me. My lack in confidence only comes when I want to express my feelings and thoughts... I have been told time and again I think too much, and I think that weighs on me a lot. I try not to, and when I can't help it I try to just hide it and let time take the worries away, but the worries build up.

So its funny how you say that I borrow worry- cause yes I do, but I have made bad decisions with guys in the past and I don't always trust my own feelings.

Today I have gone over all the things I want to say and I feel like I am ready, but now he is nowhere to be found- so that adds even more that he is avoiding the conversation I have hinted at wanting... he may not be, but other guys have done it so I assume he is capable of the same.

I so know what you are going through. Yes, we sure can borrow a boat load of worry and we often do not even think we are. It just seems to come along for the ride. Extra baggage from earlier journeys. Those lessons stick, whether they were positive or negative.

It is good you went over what you wanted to say and how you wanted to say it. I used to do that, write it all down and practice. What Tal said about giving the relationship time to evolve is right. 10 months is not a long time, although you hear of people who have done more in less, but for the long term, you have time.

Have you ever read a book called, "Single Wisdom" by Dr. Paris Fenner-Williams? She also has a website, Finner-Williams and Associates. Another book that might help you with asserting your feelings is, "Your Perfect Right - A Guide to Asertive Living" by Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D. and Michael L. Emmons, Ph.D. If you cannot read all that book, chapter 11 deals with assertion in relationships - getting past anxiety.

Take care and the very best to you.

Hi s2tp, good to hear from you again. I remember you from back last winter when you were on here a lot, and you gave good advice. I see from your profile that you're an air traffic controller now. Does that mean you're back from Afghanistan (I think it was)?

Getting to your question, I kind of agree with Shy that you may be borrowing worry, and with Tal that you may be trying to get too deep too fast with this guy. If I remember right, you're in your mid-twenties, so that puts him in his late-thirties, is that about right? You don't say anything about his personal history, but men of that age who are still single are usually that way for a reason. I know, because I used to be one before I finally got married (again) at 39, after being single for ten years.

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Somewhere along it all I feel like he has distanced himself and I just don't feel like I get enough in return... I am constantly questioning myself and him- as to whether we both want this relationship equally.

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It seems like guys often decide at about that age either to finally settle down (which I did) or keep on living the single life, so he may be struggling with that decision. At any rate, two months is way too early for you to have any real basis for deciding whether he's a keeper or not. Your own history of disappointment in relationships is another reason to go really slow. Let him be the one to question where the relationship is going. You have more time than he does, so relax and get to know him really well (if he lets you) before you start to worry about the long-term future with him.

And don't be a stranger around here, OK? We need folks like you.

I do not agree that 2 months time is not enough time to be in love with someone. DO you love him. If you are comfortable enough to love him then you should be comforable enough to express your feelings to him. No one in the world can tell you how your man feels except for him. If you do not feel like you are not getting enough in return tell him that. Honesty is the best policy I say. If you bottle things inside than you will explode one day and or if the relationship ends any you never told him how you really felt I believe you may regret it later.

I have had male friends who do not like to talk about their desires, what they expect and all that early in their relatioships and once they sense that's happening from the other end, they fly away in the opposite direction... and most of them are mid 30's. Some men just don't open up too fast. That's the way they are... and such men need women who r more understanding than most others. I know it's frustrating to deal with such men, but that's the way they are. 2 months is a short time indeed to talk about anything deep, however, the only way u can get around him to talk to you more is to relax in his presence, laugh, and show you hv carefree attitude... such demeanour may get him closer to you as u would remain a mystery and he would love to explore that... u know what I mean... until then, don't expect him to talk.. invite him to have coffee or dinner with you and then talk anything but heavy stuff about him n you.. let 4 more months go by and then u can start with heavy talks... hope that is clear...

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Hi s2tp, good to hear from you again. I remember you from back last winter when you were on here a lot, and you gave good advice. I see from your profile that you're an air traffic controller now. Does that mean you're back from Afghanistan (I think it was)?

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Thank you for remembering me:) I have actually been an Air Traffic Controller for 6 years now, but I am still in Afghanistan, as a civilian contractor doing ATC here.

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Getting to your question, I kind of agree with Shy that you may be borrowing worry, and with Tal that you may be trying to get too deep too fast with this guy. If I remember right, you're in your mid-twenties, so that puts him in his late-thirties, is that about right? You don't say anything about his personal history, but men of that age who are still single are usually that way for a reason. I know, because I used to be one before I finally got married (again) at 39, after being single for ten years.

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I definitely Agree with the worry deal, I know I do but the more I try not to worry, I then worry that I am being naïve about things... haha so it's a circle. As for the going too fast, I actully brought that up to him the other night that I think I have gotten ahead of myself, and was expecting too much from him. That conversation ended well, until my worries get me worked up again. You are correct with our ages, I am 25, he is 37 and never married, but he does have a 5 month old baby back in the states and is dealing with 'baby mama drama' with that. He is prior military and has moved around several times. He has been engaged, I know that much, but he has said he has moved around so much he hasn't gotten to the point of marriage yet.

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

It seems like guys often decide at about that age either to finally settle down (which I did) or keep on living the single life, so he may be struggling with that decision. At any rate, two months is way too early for you to have any real basis for deciding whether he's a keeper or not. Your own history of disappointment in relationships is another reason to go really slow. Let him be the one to question where the relationship is going. You have more time than he does, so relax and get to know him really well (if he lets you) before you start to worry about the long-term future with him.

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Thank you very much for this piece... I can often find good advice to give others, but I have a hard time advising myself. You are very right about taking time and taking things slower. In fact I did get to talk to him about these very same things, but I will replay that in a separate message

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

And don't be a stranger around here, OK? We need folks like you.

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Thank you very much. I will definitely come around more, it keeps me from focusing too much on my own life, and I really enjoy being to help others.

:)

Communication is very important in relationship. Many people communicate in different ways and some people do not know how to communicate at all.

It sounds like he has opened up to you and you have not completely opened up to him.

Now if you want things to work out and you want to show yourself that you can open up and that he will appreciate your honesty then things will work out eventually.

I think that finding out what each other appreciates and both partners coming together half way and with understanding and figuring out better ways to communicate.

There may be struggles along the way, or if your completely honest your afraid of hurting his feelings but in my own point of view. If you continue not telling him things and he knows there is something up, then that will hurt him more. Each situation that comes out and in the open may need to be worked through but if you care for each other no matter what things will work out.

Everybody and every situation is different but you need to have a heart to heart to him and let him know how your truly feel. About how you find it hard coming out right away with your feelings that you do not want to say something in the heat of the moment.

You both are still getting to know each other and it does take time. Like others have said do not rush it. Just go with the flow and take one day at a time. Just take the time to get to know each other. You will learn about each other new things everyday your together. I wish you the best and it is nice to see you here again.

Best wishes,

Joe

Hey St2p!!

I have been wondering about you girl :) How the heck are you? Great to hear from you :)

St2p - Go out there and be yourself with this guy. Be you. As scary as it is to open up and trust, that is what you need to do. Slow. It's still so young in the relationship - there really is no rush, is there? Laugh, be light, and be your wonderful self.

I think the big issue hear S2tp is you may be afriad - "If I show him, the real me, inside of me - will he still want me, will he still care". Only one way to know that answer and that is to just relax, smile that incredibly beautiful smile, and let him in a little.

S2tp - how could he not just adore you, we all do :) And have missed you as well.

Wishing you all the best.

And remember, no need to get so heavy all the time. Open the door just a peep for him, it's okay - there really is nothing to fear, except to be afraid and that will stagnate any relationship.

You have so much to offer anyone in your life. Your sensitivity, your great sense of humor, incredible life experiences, your love of animals,. on and on and on... why would you deny letting him see all the wonderful things about you. Hey, we all have a past that has helped shape who we are, some things we wish we could change, but it is all a part of who we are. Everyone feels that way, everyone is a little afriad. You are not alone.

I sure hope he is good guy S2tp - you sure do deserve the very best.

Stay safe and great to hear from you.

Allheart

I meant to get back to this and let you know the conversation went very well the other day. We discussed how we both moved too fast and added pressure from his home side has been affecting him. He feels the need to pull back and deal with some things, and to just take things slow. I felt so much better being able to talk... and I usually do once I actually get myself to say the things that are bothering me.

We have decided to just play things cool for now and take it one day at a time. I was definitely putting too many expectations on him and the relationship, so I just needed to realize that and 'chill' so to say.

So things have been great for the past 3 days, but now I am heated again...

One of the issues we have here is that I am a girl amongst many men (deployed) and my boyfriend feels threatened every time another guy talks to me. A little while ago I was leaving for work and one of our neighbors asked about an incident the other night, I was explaining it to him and it was a funny situation so we laughed... well at the same time my boyfriend came outside from his buddies tent to go to his tent and didn't even acknowledge me. I was running late and needed to get dinner before I got to work so I just took off.

I get to work and he messages me and asks what the guy was talking to me about. I told him he was asking about the incident, and to me there was no big deal- this guy and all his buddies are very friendly and nice and all of us hang out every once in a while. Well then my BF asks about another situation in which I talked to another guy- I had to explain that situation as well, and it didn't even have much to do with me- it was my other roommate (female) that was trying to make plans with this guy and he assumed we both wanted to go... no flirting, just trying to go out and fire some weapons on the range.

Well then my BF says he doesn't like all the flirting, and that instantly pisses me off. We have already been into it about other guys who have talked to me, but they were serious questions... ad no matter if the other guy was secretly trying to flirt, I was not flirting back. BUt my BF says that I am naïve and I don't know... so then he says just not to do it in front of him... but that only infuriates me more cause he is just saying he doesn't believe me.

I am an extremely loyal person, and I go out of my way to make sure he feels important and has no question that he is the one I am with. I can understand some jealousy, but to just outright assume that I am flirting in return, and that I would flirt in front of him is so insulting! I know he has insecurities, but I feel it is unfair to call me naïve and not trust me.

I can't stop people from talking to me or asking me questions- and I am not going to be rude and ignore them... If they flirt with me I know how to end the conversation right away and I don't flirt back. Is it even right for a guy to always assume his GF is flirting with other guys? I have given him no reason to think I would... yet he thinks I do and he thinks that I will want to party crazy when I go home on leave. I have assured him that I won't be going out and getting wild. I try to let him know he's the one I am with, but in our situation here, we are not supposed to be public with our relationship in any way... so I don't know if that adds to the pressure.

How do I get him to trust me more without having to alienate myself from everyone else? Is it more his insecurities or his lack of trust in me? I don't want to feel like I have to constantly watch I talk to and when. I want him to have faith in me.

I should add, and give him credit, that after our last flirting-argument, I told him to ask me what the conversation was before assuming that a guy is hitting on me- and he did ask this time, but he went and called me naïve after it all, so I am pissed off about that...

Thanks again for all your help everyone! Despite this new argument I still feel good about the relationship, we will work this one out I am sure... just us still getting used to each others views.

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Originally Posted by Allheart

Hey St2p!!!

I have been wondering about you girl :) How the heck are ya? Great to hear from ya :)

St2p - Go out there and be yourself with this guy. Be you. As scary as it is to open up and trust, that is what you need to do. Slow. It's still so young in the relationship - there really is no rush, is there? Laugh, be light, and be your wonderful self.

I think the big issue hear S2tp is you may be afriad - "If I show him, the real me, inside of me - will he still want me, will he still care". Only one way to know that answer and that is to just relax, smile that incredibly beautiful smile, and let him in a little.

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You are so right Allheart! :) I have indeed taken your advice and it has helped! I was getting too deep too fast and trying to make things into something before either of us was ready. We are good now, and it is a relief to not be so worried about every little thing anymore. I was trying so hard to find the answers that I wasn't able to be myself and be happy. I still find myself having some worries, but I am able to take a breath and remind myself to take things easy.

Thank you ever so much for your wise words- you have touched me and helped me be happier :)

You can expect to see more of me around... and I may even introduce my boyfriend to this site.. though I don't think he is the advice seeking/giving type, I know he would love to be nosy about what I write... hehe.:p

S2tp -

Every word I said to you - or wrote to you :) was the truth. Hey, relationships can be stressful, especially if we bring forward things from the past, which we all have the habit of doing.

As far as your boyfriend getting upset about other guys, it is a little understandable. Imagine he being the only guy, amongst a lot of girls. And we know how girls can be at times - very flirtatious, we know how some can be right? So, I think that is all he means when he called you naïve. It really wasn't a sllight against you, but more so, he knows how some guys are and what their true intent may be. Not all guys, but some. Saying hi to you, maybe all that some guys mean, but there are others that actaully mean... HELLLO :). Lol.

So try and not take his words as a put down to you, as I don't think he meant them to be.
The key here, is the same as it will always be... have to talk these things out. But camly and with understanding.

Your doing fine... don't overstress or overthink. He sounds like a sweet guy. The both of you are just finding your way in the beginning stages of this. Enjoy it S2tp. And clearing the air, or having a chat, is far better and more healty and beneficial, then us having a mental chat with ourselves. The conversations we have with ourselves, for some reason never work out to well do they. :).

Hang in there, breath and enjoy!