Ask Me Help Desk - Pregnant confused about what to do about father

So I am 6 months pregnant. I live with my parents because they asked me to stay with them to get away from my baby's father for a few months until I found a place to live. The reason my parents wanted me out of his house was that he has a drinking problem and one night he head butted me in the nose when he was arguing with me and belittling me and he couldn't remember doing it the next day and denying it. Because this man has been abusive in so many ways to me over the past 3 years of our relationship by calling me names, controlling me, being overly jealous, locking me in the house when I want to leave when he is attacking me with names and getting in my face one time spitting in my face intentionally, he made me feel like I couldn't do any better. Until recently when I read what exactly abuse was all about after the fact that I am pregnant and living here I don't know what to do. He calls me names, when I won't go to his house he says I am with someone else, and now we are fighting because I have told him if he gets help and stops his drinking then I would consider moving back in. he is upset because I won't let the baby have his last name but I am willing to agree on her other 2 names with him and that's not good enough. He already has a 4 year old whose mother left him and lives in Florida. His house is always a mess. The child's room is dirty all the time with rotting food and with dog going in there and not getting "cleaned up" after. He says after our girl is born after she is 6 weeks she is going in his 4 year old sons room who sleeps with a TV on all night and jumps off furniture and all types of things. I felt so bad for his child I took the role as mother for him but my boyfriend never treated me like a good man really. Myself esteem has been ruined. My boyfriend knocks me down for living at home with my parents. I thought having a baby would make him grow up even though he is 28 and it hasn't changed anything. I am concerned about what my rights are to make sure my child is safe. There are times that my baby's father takes naps and he is a hard sleeper as for me I am a light sleeper. You can call his cell phone knock on his door and do anything in your power to try to wake him up and nothing works. Until his son comes with his phone in his hand and gets in his face. So I am scared that if my baby girl goes over there alone and he falls asleep what if he doesn't wake up when she is crying? Sometimes I try to wake him up from naps and he wakes up angry and almost swinging and its scary. Need advice please! Thanks :(

Oh, sweetie, I am sure you are scared and confused right now. I do want you to know that very few if any courts will allow visitation to a newborn. I am very happy to know that you realize that this is a pattern of abuse and will not stop.

Please, please, please do not ever consider going back there. You may lose your baby or your own life if you do. It is the circle of abuse and that circle escillates.

Stay away, far away. Document, document, document everything you can. Make a diary of dates times and instances if you can.

You are very lucky to have such wonderful caring parents. Please do not ever forget that. Do not burn your bridges by going back to this creep when he tells you he is sorry, it will never happen again, he loves you. It will happen, he will say that, then just as things are going well again BAM, his mood changes you get scared of him he may hit you or spit on you again.

Hun, the physical abuse is bad enough, but the mental and emotional scars can last much much longer.

Please take comfort in the loving and caring home your parents are offeringh you. Stay with them as long as you can. NEVER, and I mean NEVER go back to this man, you deserve better.

I was a practicing alcoholic from my mid teens to my mid twenties. I am 47 now. Your boyfriend MUST stop drinking completely for at least a year before you should even consider moving in with him again. If he has a heart and a soul and loves you and his unborn child, then he WILL stop drinking and (using drugs?). Your parents love you and are there to protect you. What better place can you be for the time being? Who cares what that abusive rat's behind has to say about it? I was mentally and verbally abusive to my first wife. Ironically, I stopped drinking because I saw that we were going nowhere in our lives and it was she who kept drinking. Last I heard, she is still drinking. She tried to get back together with me on several occasions but I insisted that she would have to stop drinking before I would consider it. She chose not to stop. Thank God because I am now in a really good marriage. Neither of us drink and we work as a team. When one door closes, another opens. Have you sweet little child and do what you can to raise him or her in a loving and sanitary environment. It's our duty as parents to raise our children with positive reinforcement and love. To try to raise a baby in the traumatic environment that you described would be a disaster for you and your child. Any male can be a "father" but only a loving and mature man can be a dad. Find a dad for your baby.

Quote:

Originally Posted by plaidlady

So I am 6 months pregnant. I live with my parents because they asked me to stay with them to get away from my baby's father for a few months until I found a place to live. The reason my parents wanted me out of his house was that he has a drinking problem and one night he head butted me in the nose when he was arguing with me and belittling me and he couldn't remember doing it the next day and denying it. Because this man has been abusive in so many ways to me over the past 3 years of our relationship by calling me names, controlling me, being overly jealous, locking me in the house when I want to leave when he is attacking me with names and getting in my face one time spitting in my face intentionally, he made me feel like I couldn't do any better. Until recently when I read what exactly abuse was all about after the fact that i am pregnant and living here i don't know what to do. he calls me names, when i wont go to his house he says i am with someone else, and now we are fighting because i have told him if he gets help and stops his drinking then i would consider moving back in. he is upset because i wont let the baby have his last name but i am willing to agree on her other 2 names with him and that's not good enough. he already has a 4 year old whose mother left him and lives in florida. his house is always a mess. the childs room is dirty all the time with rotting food and with dog going in there and not getting "cleaned up" after. he says after our girl is born after she is 6 weeks she is going in his 4 year old sons room who sleeps with a tv on all night and jumps off furniture and all types of things. i felt so bad for his child i took the role as mother for him but my boyfriend never treated me like a good man really. my self esteem has been ruined. my boyfriend knocks me down for living at home with my parents. i thought having a baby would make him grow up even though he is 28 and it hasn't changed anything. i am concerned about what my rights are to make sure my child is safe. there are times that my baby's father takes naps and he is a hard sleeper as for me i am a light sleeper. u can call his cell phone knock on his door and do anything in your power to try to wake him up and nothing works. until his son comes with his phone in his hand and gets in his face. so i am scared that if my baby girl goes over there alone and he falls asleep what if he doesnt wake up when she is crying? sometimes i try to wake him up from naps and he wakes up angry and almost swinging and its scary. need advice please! thanks :(

Nice picture, but back on topic: This x of yours is not going to change and you need to get it out of your head that it is even possible to go back to this very abusive relationship. I am all about reform and repair, and this is my first "NO" to that. I know he gets upset over little things and belittles you to make up for his lack of security, he is all about control and abuse. You need to be so careful to accept your family's advice at this point. They are not biased anymore they are now your way out of a deadly hole. Imagine how this guy will be as a daddy. Imagine a person bringing him a child to watch alone and know what you know about him. I suggest next time you see him, it should be in a court room. You are going to be OK... Always remember that no matter how bad his life was, there was no excuse for any attacks on you! You seem like a real sweet girl. I know that in your heart of hearts you are scared, and have a million worries that keep you down. I know you will do what is right for your little baby. Remember to read all the post's on here, because I think you are about to get a lot of support from some good people. Congratulations 3months!! Nothing beats a baby. I miss the late nights in the nursery just a 1month old and me. Be excited... Be very excited. Lol Greg Quinn

PS... If there is a way for you to secretly talk to his x I bet you could find a pillar of strengths and be able to relate with her and help you come to a proper idea as to whether he can change or not. It's easier to go through something if there is a victim support system, and both of you have surely felt the same abuse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 123HelpPlzThx123

Don't move back with him, the only contact you should still have with him is through the phone. Tell him how he is angry all the time and brings you down emotionally. Tell him you dont want to see him anymore. If he keeps trying threaten to get the police involved. This man is abusive and will not be a good father, so whatever u do dont go back to him

I'm not even sure I would do the "phone" thing. He can still have emotional pull even over the phone or he can use threats and fear tactics to manipulate your next move. I say, start the process of finalizing this thing and start focusing on your baby's future. You are now tied to that baby's future which will be your future for some time to come. It's a good thing and you are more fortunate than a lot of women who don't have any place to go. Their abusive spouses or boyfriends move them hundreds of miles from their families for control purposes. Break it off.

Oh wow! All of your answers have helped me so much! I fear I am doing the wrong thing by limiting his contact with the baby. I hear so many different views on the father being a part of the babies life. He has never paid taxes, his child does not have insurance, he does not have insurance, he won't go downtown to get the government insurance because he doesn't want to bring his name up about the taxes and it's all one big head ache. There is so much drama with all of this and my heart always makes me go back yet now my brain sees the brighter light at the end of the tunnel thanks to your support :D

[QUOTE=Greg Quinn]Nice picture, but back on topic: This x of yours is not going to change and you need to get it out of your head that it is even possible to go back to this very abusive relationship. I am all about reform and repair, and this is my first "NO" to that. I know he gets upset over little things and belittles you to make up for his lack of security, he is all about control and abuse. You need to be so careful to accept your family's advice at this point. They are not biased anymore they are now your way out of a deadly hole. Imagine how this guy will be as a daddy. Imagine a person bringing him a child to watch alone and know what you know about him. I suggest next time you see him, it should be in a court room. You are going to be OK... Always remember that no matter how bad his life was, there was no excuse for any attacks on you! You seem like a real sweet girl. I know that in your heart of hearts you are scared, and have a million worries that keep you down. I know you will do what is right for your little baby. Remember to read all the post's on here, because I think you are about to get a lot of support from some good people. Congratulations 3months!! Nothing beats a baby. I miss the late nights in the nursery just a 1month old and me. Be excited... Be very excited. Lol Greg Quinn
QUOTE]

thanks for the picture comment ;) you are right there is a lot of good advice on here. Seems everyone knows what they are talking about I am glad that I joined! I just have so much hope to make him a better person and I guess it's time to throw in the towel.

The father should indeed be a part of the child's life if it is a HEALTHY relationship. This is definitely not. This man will be a role model to your child. Not the kind of role model I would want my child growing up with. How about you?

I am happy to hear you see the light at the end of the tunnel, and guess what? It is NOT a train light. LOL

Keep your chin up, you are doing the RIGHT thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by plaidlady

oh wow! all of your answers have helped me so much! i fear i am doing the wrong thing by limiting his contact with the baby. i hear so many different views on the father being a part of the babies life. he has never paid taxes, his child does not have insurance, he does not have insurance, he won't go downtown to get the government insurance because he doesn't want to bring his name up about the taxes and it's all one big head ache. there is so much drama with all of this and my heart always makes me go back yet now my brain sees the brighter light at the end of the tunnel thanks to your support :D

Unfortunately, true justice rarely prevails in a situation like this. I've known really, really good guys who's ex-girlfriend or spouse moved their mutual children far away where the dad didn't get to see his children but still had to pay child support and I've known of some really abusive fathers who never paid a dime of support but still saw their children on a regular basis. It's sad any way you cut it. I don't believe that a guy who impregnated a woman in the heat of passion necessarily has "rights." What I mean by that is that a man needs to prove himself worthy of having a family. If his immaturity becomes detrimental to his wife or children, then he has no rights in my opinion. I'm sure the law sees it a different way.

Once an abuser, always an abuser. If he does not sign the birth certificate he can bring you to court to prove that it is his child then there will be tests to prove it and then they will have another court hearing to figure out child support, who the primary parent is going to be and visitation. If you have documentation about his abusive behavior and if he has past legal history of violence (ie domestic violence) then they will give him the least amount of visitation possible. You can try and get it to where he cannot see your baby at all if he is that dangerous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beachgurly06

Once an abuser, always an abuser. If he does not sign the birth certificate he can bring you to court to prove that it is his child then there will be tests to prove it and then they will have another court hearing to figure out child support, who the primary parent is going to be and visitation. If you have documentation about his abusive behavior and if he has past legal history of violence (ie domestic violence) then they will give him the least amount of visitation possible. You can try and get it to where he cannot see your baby at all if he is that dangerous.

So are you saying that it would be in the best interest of myself and my daughter to not let him sign it? Or no, don't let him sign and go through all the court stuff? There is a girl at my work who says that the courts look at the mother as being bad for not letting the father see the child or whatever. I know he has no money ever so wouldn't he have to pay a lawyer to get all of that straightened out? Or would I be the one having to pay the fees?

You made my mood today turn around for the better... That's how happy I am for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by plaidlady

So I am 6 months pregnant. I live with my parents because they asked me to stay with them to get away from my baby's father for a few months until I found a place to live. The reason my parents wanted me out of his house was that he has a drinking problem and one night he head butted me in the nose when he was arguing with me and belittling me and he couldn't remember doing it the next day and denying it. Because this man has been abusive in so many ways to me over the past 3 years of our relationship by calling me names, controlling me, being overly jealous, locking me in the house when I want to leave when he is attacking me with names and getting in my face one time spitting in my face intentionally, he made me feel like I couldn't do any better. Until recently when I read what exactly abuse was all about after the fact that i am pregnant and living here i dont know what to do. he calls me names, when i wont go to his house he says i am with someone else, and now we are fighting because i have told him if he gets help and stops his drinking then i would consider moving back in. he is upset because i wont let the baby have his last name but i am willing to agree on her other 2 names with him and that's not good enough. he already has a 4 year old whose mother left him and lives in florida. his house is always a mess. the childs room is dirty all the time with rotting food and with dog going in there and not getting "cleaned up" after. he says after our girl is born after she is 6 weeks she is going in his 4 year old sons room who sleeps with a tv on all night and jumps off furniture and all types of things. i felt so bad for his child i took the role as mother for him but my boyfriend never treated me like a good man really. my self esteem has been ruined. my boyfriend knocks me down for living at home with my parents. i thought having a baby would make him grow up even though he is 28 and it hasn't changed anything. i am concerned about what my rights are to make sure my child is safe. there are times that my baby's father takes naps and he is a hard sleeper as for me i am a light sleeper. u can call his cell phone knock on his door and do anything in your power to try to wake him up and nothing works. until his son comes with his phone in his hand and gets in his face. so i am scared that if my baby girl goes over there alone and he falls asleep what if he doesnt wake up when she is crying? sometimes i try to wake him up from naps and he wakes up angry and almost swinging and its scary. need advice please! thanks :(

I know it is scary to be pregnant and feel like you have to have everything "right" for the baby such as having a father for your child. I am 35 now but I had my first son when I was 17 , he was born 2 weeks before my 18th birthday . I thought I had to make everything right for my son , by having a father for him . But he was very cold to me and laughed in pride about it . I knew that I didn't want to be with him already but the thought of being without a father for my child scared me more. I know that inside you know you deserve better. Somehow you are trying to convince yourself that you have a special bond with him because you had a child together. This isn't true . If he did care about you he would be very nice to you . You are fortunate that your parents are on your side and trying to protect you . My mother pretty much threw me to the wolves and I had it really hard. Men and marriage is not the meaning of life . You can do it without him . I know this . Enjoy your life with your child. Concentrate on bonding with him and don't associate your child with the father. If this guy acts like this and you have him around your child all the time he will become a mini me of your boyfriend. You don't want that trust me . I wish I could tell you my whole long story ( my young one is 16 now ) but it is long. Just believe in yourself and remember , you don't need him to be there. And he doesn't have a obligation to be there he seems to want to feel like he is in control of you . Please see this now before your life gets harder and it will if you continue to have this guy in your life. I chose to not get child support from my first child's biological father and it was the best thing I ever did because he was out of our lives. My teen is a nightmare like most teens but at least he isn't as bad as he would have been if I was around the biological father. Remember you and your child number 1 , your parents helping you are next , and the guy well he is in with the rest of the world that has really nothing to give you but pain . ( more him then the world . Anyway you get what I am saying . Concentrate on your career , where you want to live in the future , picture your life with your son and don't share all your secrets and thoughts with this guy cause he will try to destroy them.

In this situation. You and the child is better off without the father. Do not put his last name on the birth certificate. Do not have him sign anything. This abuse is not right. No excuses for his behaviour and if you let him see the child or be a part of this child's life your just messing with the babies future and yours.

Your parents are right in having you stay with them and your better of there. You also like everybody else says document everything. I personally would even recommend getting a restraining order against him, but that is my own personal thought with any kind of abuse and it sounds like he is emotionally and physically abusive.

Hope everything works out and remember protecting your baby and yourself is your number one concern now.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greg Quinn

You made my mood today turn around for the better...That's how happy I am 4 u.

Wow thanks! I guess I would be happier if things were a little easier..

Alrighty then I now have a much better understanding of my situation from the outside looking in. thank you all for your help. It means the world to me

If I can not remember the dates of the incidents of the occurrences but I had witnesses does that help in going to file downtown?

You as the mother to this child have all the rights to give it whatever name you want technically if you are not married at the time of the child's birth, child should always take mothers last name. Once an abuser always an abuser. Fathers can sign over there parental rights in most states 72 hours after baby's birth, I would look into it in your state.

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiffyris23

you as the mother to this child have all the rights to give it whatever name you want technically if you are not married at the time of the childs birth, child should always take mothers last name. Once an abuser always an abuser. fathers can sign over there parental rights in most states 72 hours after baby's birth, i would look into it in your state.

Sorry, the 72 hour "rule" is simply not true. In many States the father cannot "sign over" parental rights at any time without another person willing to take full financial responsibility for the child (such as adopting the child).

Also don't know where you get "child should always take mothers last name" idea.

As far as once an abuser, always an abuser - at last something we agree on!