:( :confused: See I'm with my boyfriend now and I do not trust him but I do not trust myself at that.. I got some problems that I do not know how to deal with nor fix them.. It's driving me crazy... I need to get rid of these problems so that I don't start anymore arguments with my boyfriend and make things worse.. I think I'm the problem not him or my problems but ME... I don't know what to do... I always think he is cheating on me and he is hurt because I think that and I know he loves me so much that he would never do something like that to hurt me... He's always telling me how much he loves me and it seems crazy and un real to me... But then when I sit down and think.. It's like , If he doesn't love me like he says , why is he with me and why is he wasting his time , why is he changing his attitude from being a to being nice to me and his mom and people around him, why is he getting a job because I asked him and His mom asked him to.. I just don't know why but I need help to realize that he loves me and he trusts me and that I need help on knowing how to trust myself so that I can trust him and we can stay together... I don't want to be without him , I don't want it to end... I love him so much but I don't know what to do... I think most of the arguments we had , was because of ME... Maybe sometimes him and his attitude but I think it was me and my problems I have.. I've always had problems trusting people , and it's so hard, I don't want to get hurt... Being hurt is not any fun... I don't know , maybe I don't do enough for myself anymore... I have not cheated on him , But I think at times he does think that but doesn't say anything and he used to get jealous if I would say a guys name or talked about them... There were times where guys had felt on me when I was in school and he got mad about that , Maybe jealous I don't know.. But them there was this time That I had kissed a boy , But it wasn't suppose to happen , I was sort of forced.. Because he had pulled me up against the pop machines and wouldn't let me go every time I tried to pull away he pulled me closer... He tried feeling on me but I pushed his hands off and he pulls me closer and makes me kiss him.. I didn't have no choice , he wouldn't let me go , and I told my boyfriend how I kissed this boy but I don't think he understands the situation and that I didn't mean to and that I was forced I think he just got jealous and mad about it or something... If I wasn't forced I never would have done it , Because it is wrong... Then there was this time my friend Jacked off outside my window while I was right there inside my room.. He was horny and needed but his girl was on punishment so he had came over to my house I guess thinking he was going to get some... He didn't get any and I didn't go outside , if I went outside that night no telling what could have happened , he could have forced me too... When he was at my window doing that , I told him to stop but he wouldn't so I just turned my head , I looked up from time to time and kept telling him to stop , but nothing works , guys are so hard headed these days.. Finally he got done and then we were just talking , regular talking like friends do.. But then after a couple hours my mom woke up so he had to go before she saw him outside my window... undefined My boyfriend is the one that should be thinking I'm cheating on him.. but I'm not , I guess I shouldn't be thinking he is.. But his emails and all the girls he talk to , he say they are friends , but are they really?? Do you tell friends how much you love them?? Does the friend say how it's over between us and you don't need me?? Is this what friends do?? I don't know but I'm confused... I NEED HELP!! I have a bad past when it comes to relationships and other things... Guys , they are just s , all they like to do is lie and cheat on you for no reasons.. There are no reasons to cheat.. So why do it? All the guys I've been with , either just wanted sex and they couldn't get it so they left or they lied so many times and cheated and I end up hurt.. I guess that's the reason why still today I can't, Won't, and Don't trust guys and what they say to you.. Most of the time , the things that comes out their mouths is a lie... Sometimes lying is good but not always... I guess my boyfriend wasn't cheating... I don't think he really had a reason to , unless he took the facts that how guys felt on me and how I had kissed that one and how a guy jacked off outside my window , unless he took that to believe that , that's cheating and that was his reason , but I doubt it... Im not sure... Someone please give me advice on how to help me and fix my problems and make things work between me and my boyfriend..

Do you need to slow down, put the brakes on or what! What a life you have set up for yourself to be so young. Is this all the respect you have for yourself? I don't think you are so grossed out by what happened at the pop machine, why didn't you report this abuse to your nearest teacher or principal or your mother.
Why did you tell the boy to stop outside your window and then continue to talk to him? Mixed signals or what? Just because the people around you don't respect you means you need to set up some bounderies for yourself. Unless this is the kind of attention you crave. And summers just getting started. First you need to look at why you need so much attention that you are willing to call this attention.
Is this the kind of attention you can bring home to your mother and say he's crazy over me. No wonder you question the validity of these boys or your boy when you've got all this direspect going on. What was the point of the pop machine incident or outside your bedroom window. What was the rush the thrill in order for you to keep it going. Is this something to tell your grand children about. When you come back to your class reunions everbody will remember you for what?
Are you trying to get a rise out of so called boyfriend? Are you trying to hurt his feelings? Are you testing him to see if he will abuse you and leave you like all the rest. Do you really want a keeper ? Do you think that all of these boys are not talking about you and your free services,because it apparently doesn't matter to you or them that you have a bfriend. When you start taking relationships seriously and taking yourself seriously and stop being a dormat for horny disrepetful holes, (there is more to life than they're penis.) you will not ever wonder about the person you are with or they won't have to worry about what you are up to.
Don't think this talk hasn't gotten back to him. What kind of young man coming to court you in a respsectful manner shows up and does that outside your house, comes to visit with you at that time of night. Disrespect all the way around. What if a neighbor saw what was going on and called the police? What if your mother woke up and saw this? Would this make you happy, would it still be as exciting for you? Is life for you really so boring that this is the only form of entertainment you have? No sports, no dance, girlfriends, you haven't mentioned gfriends at all.
Say bfriend is serious about you, how do you think he would react to ######## story? Would he continue to be so serious? Would he want a gfriend just like you? Would you want a girlfriend just like you?
Do you beleve in god or buddha or anything or anyone higher than yourself? You have got yourself down so low that this idea probably hasn't even occurred to you. You haven't looked up beyond your own nose. Or lower. Selfish. In a sense.
Who taught you that this behaviour was the thing to do? Do you think this is all right for you? Was there no other option. Why didn't you tell your mom he was outside your window? Were you afraid he would not like you anymore? He wouldn't talk to you anymore? He wouldn't be you friend anymore? Wah! With friends like that who needs enemies. Will these boys be there for you when you are in trouble or really hurt? Would they go to the doctor or hospital with you and take the time or drive by and push you out the door,maybe slow down a little.
What about your grades,no mention of school. What if you really got sick, say cancer . Would they care, would they come see you? Would they behave so ignorantly in the hospital, would you allow your sick body and soul to witness such an event? If you don't have boundaries, if you are not sticking up for yoursef, if you are not out there actively protecting yourself, then why should any body else?
I don't care how bad you think you have it at home. It can always get worse for real. So you don't think that the world is fair. The world can only be what you make it. And your world is all about you. You decided to treat you like this. Why? Is your mother really so difficult or is it you making it more difficult than needs be? Think of her position, does she have a clue about this life you need? Try just try once to be part of the solution instead of the problem. I do not think you are mature enough to have a steady relationship yet? Look at what you wrote, yes you needed to get it off your chest . Because it is a very big burden for someone so young to be carrying.
I think you are screaming out for help in every way possible. Is somebody going to look. is somebody going to care. how are they going to know if you don't tell them someone is abusing you? Or do you think this abuse is fun? Hopefully the somebodys would be parents. Are they too busy with they're own problems or do you hide it that well? Have your parents set boundaries for you? Curfews, ask who your with,meet them, do you give them a chance to be your parents and decide if this boy or whom ever is worthy to be in your prescence? Do you give them a chance to meet them and let them decide if they are safe enough for you to leave the house with?
Peace ranieri

See you don't even know the other half of the story... I don't want to hurt my bf's feelings at all , its just everything I been through I don't know what else to do anymore... he already knows about both of those storys at the pop machine and outside my window , it makes him mad I know but there's nothing I can do about it... I don't tend to drawl this attention , it happens... Im not the one walking around telling these guys to smack my and grab my chest... I could tell someone and one teacher knew and she said if he touch me she gone smack him herself and I was like whoa... but here is more to the story...
I don't know why I don't trust myself... I just don't know how I guess... Yes I'm worried about cheating.. But I know he loves me so much that he won't do that but sometimes I get suspicious when he talks to these girls . These so called friends... I know he gets suspicious about the guys I talk to and what had happened before... But all the guys I used to talk to most of my friends that were guys , I don't even talk to anymore, once they found out I had a boyfriend its like they really didn't want to talk to me , but I don't care about that because I guess they weren't that good of a friend and maybe they wanted what the guy outside my window and the guy at the pop machine wanted so they left because I had a boyfriend... I don't know... I have problems at home too... I do not have a father figure in my life , never have and probably never will... my dad had left my mom when I was born... he didn't care about me or my mama... I guess I wasn't meant to be so why be here?. sometimes I think I'm adopted and I yell at my mom... Sometimes I have no reason to yell at her but she buggs me so much and it pisses me off... Theres times she will just not leave me alone and she will question me about dumb stuff.. She won't give me freedom , barely any privacy , I just got to start shutting my door since July last yr , about a month ago... I don't go out with my friends much... Most of them turned their back and acted all stuck up and everything... But my friend natalie she has always been there for me and my friend brandi she has too but brandi had moved a little further so I don't see her but a couple times , I've only seen her 2 times since I moved over to the house I'm in now... Brandi's been there through thick and thin with me.. She was there when I cried.. there when I needed a hug... natalie , she is the friend I can really talk to about anything ,I never had a friend like that , that wouldn't go back and tell other people what I've told them , I don't like it when they do that , I like it when they don't tell nobody and they keep it between me and them because then I trust them and I feel comfortable telling them whatever it is that I need to get off chest... My mom complains that we don't have enough money so that's why I don't get to go to the movies with friends more often and stuff... But sometimes when I have money she still don't let me go... She doesn't trust me at all and she had said it... I don't know why... I didn't know I did anything for her not to trust me... I have a bad past of where when I was little my uncle would feel on me sexually and my aunt made him give me showers and he'd feel on me in there and everything and I just hated it , I cried , I cried every time I thought about it... No one knew.. I can't get myself to tell someone that... My mom used to hit me.. Shes beat me with hangers , smacked me over the face with her hand and then next thing I know she has to have surgrey... My uncle has hit me many of times.. grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the bed and screamed at me until I burst in tears.. My cousin chris.. has hit me many of times also , he think he owns everything and everyone , he think he can do whatever it is he wants... No one tried to stop him much, his mom did but it didn't always work , so sometimes she let it go on... I remember one time , he took me against a door and just banged my head against it.. I think my whole family has problems... My grandma says we all need counseling.. But I don't want to go talk to no shrink and then she reports and then tells other family members about what I say... I just don't like the idea of it.NO... I have 4 brothers that I never knew , and this is my moms fault... I don't know much of my family , my mom never bothers to tell me about anything... she likes to treat me like I'm 2 yrs old... When that stuff happened at the pop machine and outside my window , its not like I could have stopped it at the pop machine but I do know that I could have just closed my window and walked away , but he's a friend.. I know that was disrespect but I don't know... Im not the type of person that is going to go tell a teacher or a counselor or my mom about situations like that... I don't like what would happen after that... But that day after the pop machine , I only came to school like 2 times after it , but it was close to the end of the school year anyway... My mom knows I had kissed him because I told her , she said it wasn't right.. I didn't tell her how I was forced or she would have did something else , she would have called the school and everything... I don't want to be in the middle of that... I don't like school no , I don't think much people do.. But I get in too much trouble at school... Its the teachers I hate them they are rude and disrespectful and that's not right , the people in the office are es.. The principle and vice they just don't care about nobody... all they want to do is blame me for stuff and suspend me more than 4 times in one school year , and give me all these tardies I never got and all these detentions that shouldn't of been... its like all they wanted to do was ruin my life... LIke everyone else wants to do... It like I wasn't meant to be here... I used to go to church when I was young , our family is christians... I don't go anymore , I did a few times with friends a few years ago but then stopped , I don't read the bible anymore like I should , I was going to start the other day but then I just never got around to it... Every goal I make , I never seem to be able to follow it all the way through... I don't know what else to tell you
...

I'm so sorry, Ive been out of town. Baby girl there must be some one you can talk to. Some one who cares. Your mother does I see her as being terribly overburdoned.
You are not a bad person, but you were surely born into a bad situation. You must be seen as the person you really are. You have to slow down on your acting out. You already have people around you that would abuse you or take advantage of you and your situation, soooo you have to look out for yourself. Be good to yourself, honor yourself and the grand and glorious being you will one day become.
You must find someone you can confide in. an adult that can be trusted, was there a youth minister at the church you went to? You must find help and counseling for yourself. I understand your staying to yourself and not telling any one. Because you need to feel as though you are telling someone who cares. Otherwise its just falling on deaf ears, wasted breadth, time and energy.
You are very sensitive, you pick up on every one around you. You can be feeling happy and someone else comes into the room and blamo you feel diiferently, or angry and you may not be able to put your finger on why, but you pickup on other peoples thoughts or energy. And the people around you are not always thinking good things. Or doing.
Believe it or not you will grow up and out of this. ANd you will become a better person for it. You might be saying ,yeah right sure. But it is true.
You are a healer. Healers have a rough life . They have to have all experience so they will be able to help other people when they come to you for help. You might think how can I help someone else in need? But dear girl you have the grace of God with you and many guardian angels at alllll times.
There will be people along the way to offer you assistance. But they will be few and far between and they will be there when you swear not another day, I can't go on. And they will build you back up. You are asked to learn self reliance in this life time, your helping hands will be people you least expected to help you. You must unblock the flow and let them help you. You are not good about accepting help. For good reason, but you cannot keep your heart closed forever. It is not your nature. You have so much love to give, you really do. You may find that one boyfriend cannot keep you happy because you have so much love to give. You feel a need to give, give give. You really like to help other people. This is also the nature of a healer.
The healers problems are usually worse than the very people you are helping because its always easier to work on someone else's problems, to see the forest for the trees. Healers want to help so much they forego their own health,bills and get there own selves in trouble because of not taking time to heal themselves.
This energy will also because you to be drawn to people, you sometimes should avoid because they mean to hurt you or take advantage of you because you want so much to help.
It will be interesting as you grow up to see how your healing energy manifests itself . You are a child of God, you only have to ask and you will receive.
Your guardian angels tell me they try to talk to you give you advice, and you don't listen you become so frantic over trying to solve the problem that you don't hear them. They say you just need to ask and you will get your message,your answer within 24 hrs of asking... no sometimes sooner. Like within 4 hours, but you get to upset and lose sight, and forget to wait and watch. You are one who needs to be outside that is when they can contact you best, outdoors is very important to you.
You have a gift you are here to work on. Later on it will bring you a lot of money. And later in your life you find a way to take your gift and turn it towards the community and are blessed more than ever financially. God is happy with what you've accomplished.
Peace ranieri