Ask Me Help Desk - GF's Child Is Not Mine

I started dating a wonderful girl over 7 months ago. About one month in, she discovered she was pregnant and it was a gentlemen she hooked up with on the rebound. He doesn't want anything to do with the twin boys, which is probably best since he has more kids with different women then either of us knew until after we told him he was the father.

Anyway, I love this woman very much and over the pregnancy I've found myself talking to her stomach and doing all of that cute stuff. I have a dilemma now that she will be giving birth any day now. I'm absolutely terrified of being a Dad to kids that aren't mine, and of the impact it will have on our life. Mainly, I'm afraid that six months from now her and I go our separate ways... how will that affect the kids? Will it affect me not being around them anymore?

Mainly, since us breaking up doesn't seem to be a real problem, how can I care for twins that aren't mine? Is anyone out there in the same situation? I'd just love to find other men in my boat, but a search of "raising kids that arent yours" only showed divorce support and whatnot. Anyone care to help out?

Believe me man, you will love them with all of your heart.

Once she has them, YOU are their daddy logically, maybe not by blood, but by logic.

I am really sorry for your problem though, but raise them to call you their daddy, and before you know it, you won't even think about the other guy.

But my suggestion would be to wait a while before you tell them that your not their real daddy, I wouldn't raise them with that in their heads...

Good luck man!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Haxzor50

Believe me man, you will love them with all of your heart.

Once she has them, YOU are their daddy logically, maybe not by blood, but by logic.

i am really sorry for your problem tho, but raise them to call you their daddy, and before you know it, you wont even think about the other guy.

but my suggestion would be to wait a while before you tell them that your not their real daddy, i wouldnt raise them with that in their heads...

good luck man!

I'm not to worried about the other guy unless he randomly decides he wants to be involved. Then it will be interesting.

Thanks for the kind words.

Just a word of caution
Make sure your name does NOT go on the birth certificate, otherwise if you break-up she can hound you for child support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cooldoc

Just a word of caution
Make sure your name does NOT go on the birth certificate, otherwise if you break-up she can hound you for child support.

At least in some states, if he assumes the paternal role, after a certain amount of time he IS legally the father, no matter what the DNA and the birth certificate says. Also, I find it sort of sad to think of someone getting all excited about being Dad and then a few years down the road walking out of the kid's life scot free. The kids don't deserve that.

Just be sure that you are doing this because you want to, not out of some perverse feeling of obligation to this woman and her babies. And above all, if you and she argue sometime in the future (which is almost a given in any sort of relationship), do not make it seem that you regret even one moment of being in these children's lives. Nothing is worse than saying in the heat of the moment, "I only stuck around because I felt sorry for you!"

As for what to have them call you, that isn't hard to figure out once they are born. If you can hold them in your arms and not feel you heart bursting with love, if you look upon changing their diapers as disgusting or annoying and not just something that goes along with fatherhood, another excuse to be close to them, then, sure, tell them your name is "Unci Napoleon". Otherwise, just go with your instinct and introduce yourself as "Daddy".

I can only imagine what your dealing with... but all the same I am sure it is difficult to figure out what role you are going to play for these children.

It sounds to me like you are confident you are going to be with this woman for a while if not forever, so have the confidence that you will be the father to her children as well. It may bother you that they are not your blood at first, but once you bond with them and realize they will always see you as the one who was there for them- well that's what is going to count more than blood!

Can you identify what scares you most?

Is it just being a father period? Do you worry about what she wants/expects you to be for her children? Do you worry what they will think of you when/if they are told (years from now) that they have a different biological father?

You mention you are afraid of breaking up 6 months down the road and affecting them- well at 6 months they will be so young I don't imagine it will be life-scarring for them. But for you, I am certain you are bound to fall in love with them just as you have with their mother. Well that is what you have to have faith in- that you ARE going to be there for and for them, and that this is your place in your new family. Try and think of them as your own. You are the one who has been there with her through the pregnancy, you will be there when they are born, and it sounds to me like you are getting excited albeit nervous about the whole situation.

I personally think it is outstanding that you have stuck with her through the pregnancy and dealing with the ex. Most guys I would imagine would not want to get involved with that mess, and definitely wouldn't want to take responsibility of 2 kids that are not even his. Of course some of the advice above is reasonable if you have any fear that things may go sour and she might try to go after you for child support. I would definitely want the biological father on the birth certificate, so if it comes down to it, she can get child support from the right guy- if it comes down to you wanting to call them yours, you can always adopt them as your own.

Sorry I am not a guy, nor have any experience with this situation... but I hope maybe I have given you some encouragement. Best of wishes to you and your family.

First of all you are a great guy for sticking it out for this long. If I were in your situation I would further the relationship and see how it goes after birth. If you fall in love with the kids and the relationship ends you can still have a part in their lives and I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't mind having you in their lives and as a friend. Anyone can have a kid but it takes a real man to be a father. Sometimes the best dads are stepdads and sometimes not. You just need to decide what is best for you and how you really feel about this girl and her children. But let me reiterate you are a wonderful man.