Ask Me Help Desk - My mother hates me

I am 47 years old and my mother and I have never gotton along through the years. I just found out that she is taking the family (siblings, grandchildren) on a 14 day Alaskan cruise. She stopped calling me a few months ago and is not inviting me to join the familly for this trip. This will be the first time in history that she has never included me. My older brother is the one that told me they are leaving in 4 days. I am heartbroken that the invitation was not extended. I just wanted to know how to handle the rejection, deceit and betrayal. In the history of our family this has never been done to anyone. I just recently got married for the first time at 47 and she was her miserable self. She is always negative and unpleasant to be around. I have distanced myself finally. I think maybe this is her way of getting me back so to speak... I just don't know... you can't confront her or talk to her... she just hangs up. How do I deal with knowing next week the familyis off for 14 days in Alaska. I can't believe a parent would do this to their only daughter. If my father was alive this would never happen. I am so hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious72759

I am 47 years old and my mother and i have never gotton along thru the years. I just found out that she is taking the family (siblings, grandchildren) on a 14 day Alaskan cruise. She stopped calling me a few months ago and is not inviting me to join the familly for this trip. This will be the first time in history that she has never included me. My older brother is the one that told me they are leaving in 4 days. I am heartbroken that the invitation was not extended. I just wanted to know how to handle the rejection, deceit and betrayal. In the history of our family this has never been done to anyone. I just recently got married for the first time at 47 and she was her miserable self. She is always negative and unpleasant to be around. I have distanced myself finally. I think maybe this is her way of getting me back so to speak....I just don't know...you can't confront her or talk to her....she just hangs up. How do I deal with knowing next week the familyis off for 14 days in alaska. I can't believe a parent would do this to their only daughter. If my father was alive this would never happen. I am so hurt.

This really sucks to be frank. But in all fairness I think you have answered your own question. She didn't invite you because she's the way she is you can't change that maybe she just can't get over the past. It's not your fault parents shouldn't never not include one child and invite another. She's in the wrong and there's nothing you can do about it just remember you can't change the stripes on a zebra. She is who she is and she's losing out. Everything happens for a reason better things are in your path. Plus who wants to go to Alaska take a trip to Cancun or Hawaii.. Hope all is well and don't stress out so much about things you can't change.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious72759

I am 47 years old and my mother and i have never gotton along thru the years. I just found out that she is taking the family (siblings, grandchildren) on a 14 day Alaskan cruise. She stopped calling me a few months ago and is not inviting me to join the familly for this trip. This will be the first time in history that she has never included me. My older brother is the one that told me they are leaving in 4 days. I am heartbroken that the invitation was not extended. I just wanted to know how to handle the rejection, deceit and betrayal. In the history of our family this has never been done to anyone. I just recently got married for the first time at 47 and she was her miserable self. She is always negative and unpleasant to be around. I have distanced myself finally. I think maybe this is her way of getting me back so to speak....I just don't know...you can't confront her or talk to her....she just hangs up. How do I deal with knowing next week the familyis off for 14 days in alaska. I can't believe a parent would do this to their only daughter. If my father was alive this would never happen. I am so hurt.

Yes, she is in the wrong but can you change her? Maybe- You must start with yourself first however. Just because she is your mother and older does NOT make her wiser. - Sucks but people who are in the wrong are not usually the ones to make the move

There is obvoiusly more here and this is deeply rooted and likely both of you are at fault -it takes two to tango but somonehas to step up.You need to have a heart to heart. It may be embarrassing but lay it out. You could be surprised by her response. If not and she is as cold as ever at least you have peace within yourself.. and the ball is in her court.

It takes time but you do get what you give. People mirror you . You teach people what is accecptable behavior. Take charge and let her know that her negative behaviour is not accpetable but if she chooses so then the consequencesare a lost relationship with you.

Learning what you can control here is key. You can't control her and her actions but you can control how you feel about them. Your relationship may not be what you want but it is what is it. DO NOT LET HER CONTROL YOUR HAPPINESS. Accept it forgive her and let it go.. love her from afar.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious72759

I have distanced myself finally.

I too am sorry to hear that you weren't invited. Had you told your mom or let her know somehow through your actions or by telling others in the family that you want distance? Maybe this is everyone's solution--to give you what you want? Or maybe, since you recently married, your mom figured you'd be busy with your new husband? There are a lot of conversations you haven't been privy to. Is there a relative you trust who will fill you in on how this "oversight" has happened?

If you had been invited, what kind of fun would you have had? You mentioned your mom has interferred so much in your life and lately even in your wedding. Would you really have enjoyed this Alaska trip?

Try to reframe this so it's to your benefit and helps, not hurts, you. Think of the benefits in NOT going.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precious72759

I am 47 years old and my mother and i have never gotton along thru the years. I just found out that she is taking the family (siblings, grandchildren) on a 14 day Alaskan cruise. She stopped calling me a few months ago and is not inviting me to join the familly for this trip. This will be the first time in history that she has never included me. My older brother is the one that told me they are leaving in 4 days. I am heartbroken that the invitation was not extended. I just wanted to know how to handle the rejection, deceit and betrayal. In the history of our family this has never been done to anyone. I just recently got married for the first time at 47 and she was her miserable self. She is always negative and unpleasant to be around. I have distanced myself finally. I think maybe this is her way of getting me back so to speak....I just don't know...you can't confront her or talk to her....she just hangs up. How do I deal with knowing next week the familyis off for 14 days in alaska. I can't believe a parent would do this to their only daughter. If my father was alive this would never happen. I am so hurt.

I would have to say just forget it for now , sure you feel ousted , maybe that is the way she wants you to feel . You have to remember this is between you and her , the rest of your family are just innocent bystandards it seems. If she doesn't want to talk to you then the only thing to do is give her space. Don't call her , don't ask about her etc. she will reach out to you when she wants to . She is probobly talking about you all the time you just don't know it , even though it is good or bad. That means that she thinks of you . I would give her space and just not talk to her . Remember , as your mother , she knows you very well and knows how to hurt you too. Give space and enjoy your life. Mail her cards on the holidays like happy thanksgiving etc... and that's it . No long note , or questions , just happy holidays and your name that way you are saying you care without feeding her agenda. That is my opinion anyway .

Mate I fee this one can I ask you a ? Has your mum ever done this before not the not inviting but the stopping of phone calls etc for resons un konown to you?

Well I don't feel so bad! I have a few years on you but from my experience see my post earlier today, it isn't going to change it isn't going to get better. Do what is best for you and your family. And if you are like me you raise your children in a way so that they never have the same experiences you had growing up. I find it best to distance myself and only do what is necessary and now I believe that that is even too much.

I am sorry that this happened so late in life. The rift with my mom happened when I was about 12. She hit me and broke her hand. As she stood there crying, I just said "that didn't hurt me a bit" and walked away. She was never a big part of my life after that. You can't pick your family, but you do get to choose your mate and your friends. Family are people who show us who we want in our lives. You will survive this and maybe the boat will sink ! I wish you well.

It almost sounds like the trip was deliberately arranged after your marriage. She has lost her scapegoat and wants to punish you? Did you say anything about finally being free, able to get out from under her, anything that she might have stewed about and cooked up this trip in retaliation?

Of course it hurts. I wonder why your siblings went along with the idea. Who knows, maybe she told them you already turned it down. If you are close to a sib, have a heart to heart.

I once went on a trip with my mother that turned out to be a bet she made with my father that she couldn't get me to go anywhere with her. I can't believe I went (I couldn't stand her) and I was miserable the whole time. She knew I never had any money and would accept a tropical vacation.

You and your hubby try to take a mini vacation, whatever you can afford and can get the time for, that you really enjoy. And no matter how tempting it might be, don't throw it in her face. Save it for some moment when you can drop some happy story about it casually. Hard as it is, try to build a new life for yourself without trying to get the love you'll never get.