My partner an I are in our lae 20's and have been together for over 3 years. Our sex life was pretty good to start of with but over the course of a couple of years it has deteriated into abstenence. We have even gone on a holiday recently and didn't partake in the act. We both love each other and want to be together but have got ourselves in such a rut that we just don't have sex anymore. We are considering going to a sex therapist to try and change the situation but I feel I am the only one bothered enough to instigate this (even though my girlfriend is happy to go). In fact the only time we have sex is when I instigate it, over the course of the last year I have stopped instigating it as I feel I would be forcing her to have sex when she doesn't want it, this may not be the best strategy but due to this I have now completely lost interest in having sex with her.
What I would like to know is;
1. Has anyone experienced this before and what did they do?
2. If you genuinely don't feel like having sex is this common amongst couple's and should this be considered a major problem?
3. What is considered a normal sex life?
This maybe a little too much to ask of anyone, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I generally feel you read allot about sex in all corners of society and there is no definative norm that should be followed, but of course the more you read about other people having this fantastic sex life you tend to feel to ask 'Why is mine not like that?'

Hi Dave ,
Not a normal sex life but not an uncommon problem . Your wife is possibly depressed but undiagnosed by a MD . Possibly she is already taking a medication that can decrease libido ? Look up her meds on WebMD or Google and research .
Less frequency leads to less frequency so quietly address this subject . In the mean time just be her friend , talk to her about anything .
Good luck... Russell

When I was young,and before I got married my dad told me that if I was to get twice a week that I would be a happy man. I told my wife that several times early in our marriage and for the next 20 years we made love twice a week and I was very happy, in the next 10 years it fell to once a week, which was still great and still being with the same women. Just one man's experience. LOL

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Originally Posted by helpdave

My partner an I are in our lae 20's and have been together for over 3 years. Our sex life was pretty good to start of with but over the course of a couple of years it has deteriated into abstenence. We have even gone on a holiday recently and didn't partake in the act. We both love each other and want to be together but have got ourselves in such a rut that we just don't have sex anymore. We are considering going to a sex therapist to try and change the situation but I feel I am the only one bothered enough to instigate this (even though my girlfriend is happy to go). In fact the only time we have sex is when I instigate it, over the course of the last year I have stopped instigating it as I feel I would be forcing her to have sex when she doesn't want it, this may not be the best strategy but due to this I have now completely lost interest in having sex with her.
What I would like to know is;
1. Has anyone experienced this before and what did they do?
2. If you genuinely don't feel like having sex is this common amongst couple's and should this be considered a major problem?
3. What is considered a normal sex life?
This maybe a little too much to ask of anyone, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I generally feel you read allot about sex in all corners of society and their is no definative norm that should be followed, but of course the more you read about other people having this fantastic sex life you tend to feel to ask 'Why is mine not like that?'

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Been there.
1. Talked about it and explored different , a bit more naughty, something different love making. Just plain rockin' sex helps too.
2. Only major if you let it go on. You are way too young to allow this to become a major problem. If it continues to be so, perhaps it just wasn't right.
3. I guess normal is when both are on the same page with regards to what they like to give and get tempered with frequency that works for both.

From a woman's point of view. The same things you did you get her in the beginning will be the same things you want to keep her going now. Try running her a bubble bath and getting some rose petals and have them laid out on the floor from the door to the bedroom and have the covers turned back and candles lit with some rose petels on the bed as well. Order take out if you are not a great cook and have it all set up when she gets out of her bath. Be romantic it works every time.

For a woman, sex begins in her brain, in her emotions, how you relate to her every day. Help around the house, go grocery shopping together, rent a DVD she would like (a chick flick? A comedy? An oldie?) and enjoy it with her, ask her if you can wash her car and clean out the inside including both sides of the windows, leave her occasional post-its and love notes in out-of-the-way and unusual places like at the bottom of a cereal bowl or in her shoe or stuck on her keychain, with a marker print her first name in the palm of your hand and tell her you want thoughts of her to always be with you.

And by the way, it's "initiate," not "instigate". ("Instigate" sounds like you are up to no good... )

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years now and we've gone a couples months without it before. Sometimes I think you just need the distance to make the time that you get back at it again seem new and exciting. I think there will be plenty of times that there will be ebbs in the relationship but, that's normal. You'll just appreciate the flows of your relationship a little bit more. I don't think there's anything to worry about. Just as long as you both love each other and don't give up. I think if more couples were willing to try to help each other and work through tough times there wouldn't be such a high divorce rate. Good luck, don't give up and I hope everything works out.

If you are a well matched couple... and neither of you suffers from major sexual inhibitions you won't have what you have.

Like I've said before... I've been married for 16 years... and sex now is much better and just as frequent as it was when we first married. So you CAN have a great and long lived sex life after marriage much less after only 2 years together.

Avoid boredom... explore each others likes and dislikes.. find out what their links are and discuss them , verbally play with them even if they are not one you would act act... anything like this keeps the spark alive that keeps it interesting and fun. Let he have her way when she really feels she wants something a certain way and for her let you have your's when you want it... And for heavens sake. Don't do the same damn thing the same way all the time.

I completely agree with wondergirl. With girls sex definitely begins emotionally. I know my husband can walk in the door and go straight to it but I need to "get in the mood". Start trying to get her emotionally in the mood. All those corny gushy things guys hate to do is what you need to do.
Also try spicing things up. Buy her something sexy to wear, get some toys, role play, etc... I know it might sound silly, but it does make things new and interesting. One time my husband bought some chocolate pens to write on each other. I wanted to get in the mood just so I could use the pens.
Just experience with her and see what it is that makes her tick. It might be simple or it might be complex, but you love her so I know you will be willing to do whatever.

For most women if a woman loves you a lot she would ask for sex very often. This might not be the case fou you though...

My husband and I were in the same boat... but recently with a few romance books and some ideas in my head, I tried something's we haven't done. Something new to spice things up and we are now back to how it was before we said "I do". Try some spice. Buy her a romance book and ask her to find some ideas.

Good Idea. I have received some useful tips from various people's experience here and whilst buying sex toys and stuff like that isn't really my bag the book idea seems to be the middle ground. Cheers.

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Originally Posted by helpdave

Good Idea. I have received some usefull tips from various people's experience here and whilst buying sex toys and stuff like that isn't really my bag the book idea seems to be the middle ground. Cheers.

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one step at a time... maybe when you are both more comfortable then you can explore the toys thing. There is a whole new world to explore there if you and your spouse are open to it.

I am having the same problem but I am a woman who isn't getting the sex from my boyfriend, we have been together 1 year and a few months, he works and I don't.. I would like to do it at least 2 times a week and we are doing it more like 2 times a month and its always like planned... I don't no what to do I have expressed this to him and it still isn't changing, I won't even initate sex because I am always scared I am going to get turned down.

First things first. Use proper english not chat speak. No 'U', 'N', or 'no'; use you, and, or know. It is in the user agreement for the site. You can get booted for it.

Second you should start your own thread instead of resurrecting a thread that is five years dead. You will get advice better tailored to your situation which is always different than everyone elses; no matter how similar they seem to be.