Ask Me Help Desk - Am I being irrational?

Here's the deal...

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I am 22 and he is 26. I just moved in with him for the summer until I go back to school in the fall. Until now, we have been doing the long distance thing our entire relationship.
We have had some issues in the sexual department ever since he went on Paxil. (about 2 months into our relationship) After he went on the drug he never wanted sex from me... period. I felt hurt and ugly because of it and told him exactly how I felt. About 3 months ago he decided to go off the drug because he felt he didn't need it anymore. Nothing has changed since then. It wouldn't upset me so much except I found out that he likes looking at porn on the internet and has done so while I was in the shower. (if he was horny, why didn't he just come join me? ) I am usually OK with porn because I like to watch it too, so I approached him about finding the porn on the computer and asked if I could watch some with him. He got VERY defensive and said he didn't want me to watch it because it would make me feel ugly comparing myself to the girls in the videos and he didn't want that. I feel extremely inadequate and completely cutoff from his sex life.

He never looks at me when I'm naked and I feel like he's repulsed by my body.
I must add that in the last year I have lost my father to ALS and my mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma and is currently undergoing chemo. Because of the stress in my life, I have probably gained about 15 pounds. I'm no supermodel, but I think I'm fairly attractive and always try to look my best. I know one of his previous girlfriends was a model and was very thin and beautiful. I try to wear lingerie for him and show off my assets... but he's never interested. I know I could have been more understanding when he went on the Paxil, but it was hard to deal with that rejection since the very month he went on the drug was when my father died. All I needed at the time was to feel close to someone.

I just don't know what to do or think. I feel like we've talked and talked about this issue and it's only made it worse. Please help.

It doesn't sound to me like you are anywhere near ready to be in a relationship, to be honest. He definitely sounds like he has issues, and I wonder if that's why you became involved with him. I could be wrong, but I think you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want to be in. If not, then you really need to sit down and figure out where you are going from here.

My gut reaction in reading your post is that you have a poor self image and self-esteem and he isn't attracted to you which feeds that insecurity. I can't even imagine him telling you that you would feel ugly compared to girls in porn videos! That isn't the kind of thing a man who loves his woman should say.

I really hope you think about this. I don't feel this will be a lasting, loving relationship. If nothing else you both have different physical needs and can't seem to meet half way. The Paxil may have been part of the problem, but it doesn't explain away the not looking at you, the roundabout put-downs, etc. Sweetie, honestly, you have enough to deal with than to waste your time with this guy. Get out of this situation, work on your self-esteem, be supportive to your mom and move past this. There will be someone far more deserving of your love in time.

Hugs, Didi

I can really empathise with you on this one.
I am now a Mother and my partner and I were togther for a while before we became pregnant and I have severe anxiety and constantly feel indequate, I do feel like my body is ugly but our sex life is normal. It's not as active as it used to be but it's there and I'm the one with emotional problems. I've had issues with finding porn on our computer and I have confronted him about many times before and he has apologised and he has not been looking at porn since, it just upsets me that he wants to see other girls over me. I have a naked body too hello! I can those things to hello!

You need to talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that the issue has been raised with me and my partner.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meagm11

Here's the deal....

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I am 22 and he is 26. I just moved in with him for the summer until I go back to school in the fall. Until now, we have been doing the long distance thing our entire relationship.
We have had some issues in the sexual department ever since he went on Paxil. (about 2 months into our relationship) After he went on the drug he never wanted sex from me...period. I felt hurt and ugly because of it and told him exactly how I felt. About 3 months ago he decided to go off the drug because he felt he didn't need it anymore. Nothing has changed since then. It wouldn't upset me so much except I found out that he likes looking at porn on the internet and has done so while I was in the shower. (if he was horny, why didn't he just come join me??) I am usually OK with porn because I like to watch it too, so I approached him about finding the porn on the computer and asked if I could watch some with him. He got VERY defensive and said he didn't want me to watch it because it would make me feel ugly comparing myself to the girls in the videos and he didn't want that. I feel extremely inadequate and completely cutoff from his sex life.

He never looks at me when I'm naked and I feel like he's repulsed by my body.
I must add that in the last year I have lost my father to ALS and my mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma and is currently undergoing chemo. Because of the stress in my life, I have probably gained about 15 pounds. I'm no supermodel, but I think I'm fairly attractive and always try to look my best. I know one of his previous girlfriends was a model and was very thin and beautiful. I try to wear lingerie for him and show off my assets...but he's never interested. I know I could have been more understanding when he went on the Paxil, but it was hard to deal with that rejection since the very month he went on the drug was when my father died. All I needed at the time was to feel close to someone.

I just don't know what to do or think. I feel like we've talked and talked about this issue and it's only made it worse. Please help.

First of all forget the weight thing. Geez, what a guy. With what you've got going on? I'm assuming you have talked a lot about this with him. If you have and he still chooses porn over real intimacy then move on. Life is too short to waste. There are plenty of good guys out there.

Hi, I know all of this must be really tough to hear, but I think that right now would be a great time to call it quits with this guy. Porn is one thing, I think most guys are just pigs, including my boyfriend unfortunately. But simply not being happy is another. I think right now, with all you have going on it would be good to not have him around. Don't let this go and get more attached to him. If you wait longer it will just be harder. I know that right now is a time in your life that you need a friend, and somebody to love and care for you, but it's also a time when you could be finding yourself. With your life changing you need the personal space to be able to find who you are and will be. If your in school it shouldn't be too hard to meet somebody else. I think maybe you should take the summer to find some groups that you could join where you can talk to people who are grieving and just let loose to people who care and understand. I am 23 and if you every need to talk about anything let me know. I know it's nice to have a boyfriend, but they are supposed to be there to care about you and your feelings, not be insensitive and distant. Listen, good luck. I hope everything works out. I may be way off, but I hope you can be happy!