My husband had an affair with a much older woman, I can't call her a "lady". I stayed with him, but we have had a considerably amount of conflict since I discovered this. He has never fully cut off "all" contact with the winch. He knew I felt that way, and I've seen things that definitely indicate that. He has even had her visiting his mother. So I feel that his family knows this and is very aware of what has been going on with them. This affair has caused a tremondous amount of problems in the marriage, but how do I get him to understand that having contact, does not show that he is committed to re-connecting with me? He can't have both. I know its not acceptable. I've cursed and fussed. But it only causes him to withdraw.

Do you still want him in your life?

Is he ready to give her up completely?

You may have to end it. If he is fully committed to getting this marriage back on track, he will cut off all ties. If he is unwilling to do that, IMO he does not care about the marriage.
Did he ask you to forgive him and take him back, or did you just do it?

Your right; just makes it worse. There is more than one problem and the big one is his parents. You will be dealing not just with your husband but also what sounds like his parents support of his activities. You'll be able to work through this but he's in deep crap. Sit and discuss your options with a attorney and don't communicate with his parents.