So I have been married for 11 years, I met my wife while serving in the military and got married because I cared for her but partly because I was lonely. I changed somewhat so that my wife would like who I was nothing dramatic just small things. Before meeting my wife I was in a long distance relationship with my first real love from home. She was a couple years younger and still in High School and the distance ended up making things impossible. My FL as I will refer to her is the only person I have ever been able to be completely open with about everything. After we split up we both dated others and acted happy in spite of the other. We both got married she had a wonderful son, and then her husband became abusive. She divorced him and has been raising the child on her own ever since. He is now 8. 6 years ago I happened to be in town my wife and I were struggling and I looked her up. I should state that her parents and I were very good friends and still are so when I say I looked her up I went to see her parents and we reconnected. We spent one night together 6 years ago while we never took it too far that night we both wanted too. We communicated for the next couple months by phone and by text after I returned home to my wife. Until one day she told me she had met someone and that I needed to take a hike that I was married and should stay that way. I was heartbroken my wife and I ended up having a large fight and working through some issues we had been having. But not a day went by for the last 6 years I haven't thought about my FL.

I lost a family member about a year ago and my wife has been terrific in trying to help me and my family get through it. My wife really has not done anything wrong, I never told her about my reconnection with my FL 6 years ago. A couple months ago we went on a family trip the entire family flew but I drove to meet them at our destination. I had to go through my home town and on the way down all I wanted to do was contact my FL. I resisted but it was all I thought about the entire trip. On the way home I called her to meet for coffee. We spent a couple hours catching up and then got real told each other that we had never found what we had together. We have talked everyday for the last 2 months. Then... I went to see her and spent the weekend with her and her son. I have never been much for kids, I loved this little guy like he was mine. She told me that she hated me for leaving and that she has never been able to get over me. We had a romantic night before I left and it was probably the best romance I have ever had. Now I'm back home and my wife knows there is something going on. I was informed a couple months ago that I can not have kids. So I tried to tell my wife she is young enough to find someone new and have a family and that is extremely important to her so I told her I wanted a divorce. She does not want me to leave. The truth is I want to leave and be with my FL. Her sons "father" is a piece of garbage and I want to be there and be part of her and her sons life. I feel terrible because I am hurting my wife, who I deeply care for but do not love anything like my FL. I realize it was wrong to have an affair, but the connection I have with my FL and her entire family is unmistakable. My FL told me I am married and she will not be the other women nor does she want to be a home wrecker. (She told me that before I went to see her) but when we are together we can not control ourselves. I now do not know how to proceed my wife is begging me not to leave my FL has told me she will not admit to me that she wants to be together and that I need to decide what I want and if it is her get divorced because she does not want a secret relationship. I don't want a secret relationship either I want to be with her and her son. I have applied to jobs 2000 miles away from here so that I can be with her. Please help I could really use some advice.

The answer is easy... you are married... stop messing around or even thinking abuot messing around with anyone but your wife. She's going to get half your military pension, Half or your assets, plus alimony if you don't.

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The answer is easy... you are married... stop messing around or even thinking abuot messing around with anyone but your wife. She's going to get half your military pension, Half or your assets, plus alimony if you don't.

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I appreciate your response. I will tell you that I am not concerned about money whatsoever. I want my wife to be taken care of. I have thought about everything you mentioned I am OK with taking the little bit of Debt we have and leaving her everything else.

You are somewhat of an excuse making opportunist. Case in point...

"... got married because I cared for her but partly because I was lonely." You say that now to justify your actions. And " I have never been much for kids, I loved this little guy".

"... she will not be the other women nor does she want to be a home wrecker." How does that work exactly when she is the other woman and participating in wrecking a home? It doesn't matter if you guys were cheating 1 or 18 times, it's still cheating.

We out here in cyberland don't care who you end up with to be honest. But two things. First I think you are lying to yourself in thinking that all will be perfect and you will have the same thing you had before. Rarely if ever does it work out that way. Second, if you want to be with FL then do it but do it only after you have allowed your wife to be free of you. That's only fair. Third (I know I said two but I thought of one more.) Typically in this situation with you not being happy in your marriage you concentrate only on what you perceive as greener pastures and can only think of negative things for your current situation.

I know this sounds a little harsh. I didn't mean it to be.

You paint a story of you being a victim of circumstance, distance, bad choices, etc.

You lie, and cheat, and your girlfriend IS a home wrecker, and the two of you CAN control yourselves. Unless you post a picture of you in a loin cloth about to club this old girlfriend of yours, I won't believe otherwise. You are not an animal in the wild.

What kind of a mother would have a man sleep over, when she has an 8 year old son. What's that all about other than ignorance and poor judgment.

And what kind of a man are you to get mixed up with a woman while you are married.

IF you want to end it with your wife, at least be honest with her. Tell her the truth. Tell her all about it. The secret phone calls/texts that went on for months behind her back, you hooking up with an ex for sex, being unable to control yourself. You won't have to tell her you want a divorce, I hope she boots you right out the front door and never looks back.

You deserve what you get. If it is the old girlfriend, good luck with that. You're throwing it all away on a whim and a prayer.

Your wife, deserves much, much better.

Also keep in mind if she never remairries.. the alimony will never stop. In this case she will have earned every dime. I know several divorced women who WON'T remarry just to keep the checks coming decade after decade.

And one very important reality of life that proves itself true time after time.


The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Fact is, its really not... it only looks that way from this side.

Olliver2011, you have some valid points that I will take into consideration, I also agree with Jake2008 I am a real SOB in this case. I have always said if one cheats then the spouse should get rid of them. Now I go and do the one thing that I know I could not live with if the tables were turned. Yes I am sure if I told my wife about the texts and calls and the fact that I spent a weekend with the FL it would be the end of the marriage.

I am going to be harsh in a different way. There isn't any advice we can give that you don't already know. You lay it all out in your question. The main reason for asking us for advice would be gaining absolution for your trespasses or allowing someone else to mete out the punishment. We can't forgive you. So, how much punishment do you think you deserve before you do what you know is the 'right' thing?

Your wife doesn't want you to leave because she probably loves you and your family. She has spent eleven years trying to make a marriage work when you have been giving it only a small percentage of your attention. She doesn't understand it was over before you even married her. It is time to be fully honest with her and yourself.

I hope your wife has a strong support system of family and friends (minus those related to you of course.) She is going to need them when she loses you and yours when you go off to take over a different family. If she doesn't, encourage her to try counseling to help her deal with the betrayal and everything else.

Simply get your divorce and get gone you self admitted SOB! Keep it simple stupid! Why are you complicating your dumb BS!

Yes, this is about the most self centered man, I have seen. He cares little about his wife, and 11 years.

A "first love" omg, give me a break. He has the hots for a different women, and after one short meeting and a few months of talking, is ready to leave.

Guess what, life after you divorce and remarry this other women will suck, and you will wish you were back.

What you should do? Stop all contact with this other women, and start counseling with your wife.

Remember, this first love, knows you are married , so after you marry her, why would she not be OK, with still talking to other men.

I especially like the part where she doesn't want to be the other woman or a home wrecker....Just a tad bit late for that now, isn't it?

I hope your wife takes you to the cleaners.