I married my husband 3 yrs ago in the US after months of courtship from the Phils. He is 2o yrs my senior, a widower, with 2 married sons from his deceased wife. I loved my husband so much but could not take his verbal & emotional abuses to me anymore.

He keeps on complaining that I do not relate well with his sons & their families well. Whatever I do to please them when they pay a visit, I end up being criticized for serving them. He also complaints that my teenager son (from previous marriage) is a potential problem kid in the future, & that he doesn't want to be a part of that problem. I don't understand why he continue to use my son's attitude for his lack of support being a step dad. He also compares my son to his married sons, almost all the time.

Also, having a 2o yrs gap in our age, my husband said that he only has 10 more yrs to go and could not continue with our marriage. I feel so betrayed & left out, since age was never an issue to me & him when we decided to get married. Now he is using it as a reason to send me away if not to accused me of cheating later on. I know that we are financially troubled right now, since he is a retired City employee with no job right now but I don't see the reason why I my husband treats me differently now like it was all my fault. Every single day is a challenge for me having to live with an irrate, unreasonable, moddy behaviour that my husband has. Help me!

Honey my only answer for u is marriage counseling and some counseling for him and if he refuses legally separate from him love is not worth abuse sometimes emotional abuse leads to other things

He'll only treat you like that because you let him. Stand up for yourself, marriage should
Be 50/50. Your letting your son see you being treated like that, he'll thinks that normal. I don't think you'll want him to have a marriage like that. I know it's a second marriage but you're the only one who can stop what's happening to you. Good Luck! I hope everything turns out for the best.

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Originally Posted by WickedStepMom

I married my husband 3 yrs ago in the US after months of courtship from the Phils. He is 2o yrs my senior, a widower, with 2 married sons from his deceased wife. I loved my husband so much but could not take his verbal & emotional abuses to me anymore.

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From the Philippines?

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He keeps on complaining that I do not relate well with his sons & their families well. Whatever I do to please them when they pay a visit, I end up being criticized for serving them.

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What does that mean? When they come to your home, do you do too much or too little? What happens?

Are you Filipina? What is his ethnic background? Where did his children grow up? (These questions are to help me understand the cultural expectations he places on you.

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He also complaints that my teenager son (from previous marriage) is a potential problem kid in the future, & that he doesnt want to be a part of that problem. I don't understand why he continue to use my son's attitude for his lack of support being a step dad. He also compares my son to his married sons, almost all the time.

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This sounds like he is done raising children, even teenagers. With his age, and being generally unhappy in the marriage (I get that impression from your words), he has no energy for supporting a young man through the normal problems of growing up. Unless your son has been getting into trouble, it has nothing to do with him.

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Also, having a 2o yrs gap in our age, my husband said that he only has 10 more yrs to go and could not continue with our marriage. I feel so betrayed & left out, since age was never an issue to me & him when we decided to get married. Now he is using it as a reason to send me away if not to accused me of cheating later on. I know that we are financially troubled right now, since he is a retired City employee with no job right now but I don't see the reason why I my husband treats me differently now like it was all my fault. Every single day is a challenge for me having to live with an irrate, unreasonable, moddy behaviour that my husband has. Help me!

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To where is he sending you away?

The reason that he treats you like his unhappiness is your fault is that this is what he believes. He doesn't know himself well enough to be aware of the things he does—and doesn't do—that contribute to his children and you relating poorly (if that is actually true), and that dissatisfy him in the relationship. He has to blame somebody and you are a better target than he.

The 20-year difference makes a bigger difference as you both get older, and since you are taking abuse now, you can expect it to get worse. He is hammering away at you to either (1) get you to change some things that you do, or (2) justify sending you away in his mind. If it is (1) you might look into your own understanding of the messages you have been getting, with a very suspicious eye on your own stubbornness, and start adapting quickly. That means do what is needed, no more no less, and communicate calmly with them about what they all want from you. If it is (2) he will win the argument in his own mind, and there is no benefit in fighting with him.

You will only improve the situation by talking things out one step at a time, and kick-starting a new wave of learning within yourself that also inspires him.

Despite the conflict, do you feel that you and he are friends? Or just a married couple?

Either way, as strange as this might sound, don't take anything personally. He would behave the same way if he were married to an oil painting. You are on the receiving end of his unconscious thought patterns, reality models, and habits.

There is no simple answer, except that you need to learn how to manage your relationship with him, or to take his sending you away from him as a great gift.

Tao

I know you never planned divorcing him after landing in a US soil (like most impressions to a Filipina marrying an elderly American).

East and Western culture clash a lot of times, its frustrating.
Three months of courtship is too short and I just have a feeling that your husband was mistaken marrying you. You didn't have enough time knowing each other before marrying.

I have an impression that your ex no longer supports your son so I hope you are financially independent and can support your son all by yourself. Keep your son away from being picked up and seeing you abused. Your son is adding up to his financial/marriage/cultural stress, so keep them apart.

If he wants divorce, give it instead of suffering like that. But before doing it, move out from the house first and seek marriage counseling. Make sure you've done everything to save your marriage so there's nothing to look back.