Hello everyone. My girlfriend and I have been together now for about a year and a half and it has been all fine and dandy. This summer however things have gotten a little strange. Ive noticed she fancies this other guy, she isn't head over heels about him or anythign of the sort -- well at least that I can see--, but I asked her about him and she got quite offended, calling me jealous, saying I'm trying to control her and the whole bit. So after that I just kept quiet about it, even though -- yeah ill admit it -- I was a little jealous. So after a few weeks I noticed she was becoming closer to this guy, going to lunch with him or whatever, and not really caring to see me; ignoring my calls, etc. Now I brought this up, in a civil fashion, not trying to offend her, just being inquisitive and curious as to what was going on. Well she flipped out, told me to F off and the whole bit. She then decided that she needed a weekend to cool off, so I agreed; no contact with her did my own thing and went out and got her something nice. So when the weekend was over I got an email saying that she neded more time and was going up north. She said shed be back today (a week after the weekend) and that shed give me a call when she got home. I haven't received a call yet and have tried calling her a few times in vain. I just wanted to know if I should take a hint and move on and if she really isn't into me anymore. Any advice is appreciated.

In my experience, this relationship is over. Do you really want to be treated this way? Cut it off before she's the one who does it.

Im sorry for to say this but it sounds as if the relationship is over. She is just not brave enough to admit it herself and is just postponing the innevitable. She is still keeping that door open and the only thing that is doing to you is torturing you. So for your own good just break any contact with her and move on. Do you really want to be with someone that will try and escape every time they get a chance without giving an explanation? Don't you think you deserve a more honest treatment? Good luck!

Yep, give her the bigger hint by not even calling her anymore. She doesn't want to pick up, then don't call.

I've seen this so many times it hurts. Not knowing why is the worst feeling of all. DO NOT call her anymore. If she calls you, don't answer until the 2nd or 3rd time. If you feel the need to ask her why it is over, be ready for more confusion. She is going to tell you that it is something you did or said. Or, if she has a little backbone she will blame herself but most people will not admit that they are wrong. If you get the old "it's not you, it's me" then say goodbye and hang up the phone.

As hard as it will be, just realize that you were the one that did not start talking to another girl. You were the faithful one in the relationship and will find someone worthy of your time.

Ok so she called me today and I answered. And she was acting weird on the phone. So we talked and then she said "yeah i think its a good idea to end it, ive been thinking about it all week" So I asked her what she was feeling... She said that she was really stressed out because of the relationship for the past two months and thinks that ending it is the best thing to do. Then she started crying and I said "why are you crying" and she kept saying "i dont want to do this, but i have to". So after that said that she wants to meet up with me tomorrow to talk about it. What does this mean? What should I do?

Save yourself the heartache.. don't meet her she won't have any news for you that you'll want to hear. There's nothing to talk about, don't let her string you along. Tell her you've made other plans and get busy!

Ask what's the problem. She may be keeping things from you for long what she's unhappy about. Listen well. This time, it's either you'll make it or break it.

But if she confirms she's really hooking up with this guy and she's head over heels, its over.

Yeah I can't see it being anything else. And also do you think its OK to end a good relationship of like a year and a half over two bad months. I don't know, maybe it is. I really thought it was normal to go through things like that, and I was willing to see past it and work it out with her. But she just doesn't seem to want that anymore.

Personally I will still give it a shot. At least for one last time but my first question is "Do you have somebody new?", if she doesn't reply, I'll take it as a "yes" and Im bolting out.

Listen, If you two have problems, as long as no body else is in the picture except two of you, you can fix things. But if there's an extra, chances are slim to none. Things will be over.

Tough situation for sure, I would probably get suckered in for the meet up if I was still really into the girl

I like everyone else's advice though... tough it out and make her prove that she wants to be with you if she really does, you deserve it after what has happened

It is a tough situation. Cause I really thought she would give me another chance so I got her this card and a little gift thinking things were going to be OK. Im wondering if I should give it to her or if that will make things worse. Cause I've agreed to meet up with her. And I promised myself to accept what she's going to say and not try to convince her to come back. Anyway what else do you think I should do? Should I give her the gift and card? And if she wants to give it another shot what should I do after that?

... to be honest with you... if it were me, I'd just return the gift, and get something for myself.

If she wants to give it another shot, you have to really ask yourself... do you want this? Even after all this mess happened? Even after the way she treated you?. look out for yourself. Really, look at it logically. Then decide.

I agree with the others.
Especially Busterite and Romesfall.
I wouldn't even meet with her and give her the satisfaction.
Since she has been acting weird, defensive and evasive I bet she wants to tell you its over.
Something like 'I went away with him and we have gotten even closer so I had to make a decision and well it was nice knowing you'.
Return the gift (vote#2 on that) and take yourself out to lunch.

I agree with Sneezy, he is a wiseman haha. Do you really want this? I know it is hard because a lot of emotions are in the way, but try and do this.
If I can share my story, round the last couple weeks it was weird. She would be telling me she was going to hang out with her girls and go out, but somehow that guy would be showing up. She would then be texting him asking him where he was and sometimes when I was with her. The worst is that we went on a trip a week before we broke up and she would talking to him online and texting. I got mad just like and told her that something was up and she wanswered that yeah I have been feeling like this now for a while I need to be single and be on my own and all that... but basically that turned into a breakup where she told me she had a crush on him.(could have been seroious or could have been just a fling) but how can you say stuff like that.
Now on your side you try and think that she is confused, that she needs time, that she doesn't know what she wants. But to be honest I think she does. And that is not to be with you at that moment. And you have no idea how to take it because you have not felt this kind of rejection before so you try and think of any other possible alternative to not accept this, but you cant. I am really sorry for you buddy, this usually happens t othe best of us, but don't do what I have done. Do not go after her trying to talk to her because it will not help. I have done it and all I got from these meetings (in order)was that
1 she needed more time and wanted to make sure that it was for the right reasons to get together
2 she says she want to have fun and enjoy life (whatever that means lol, it not like she held up in a cell or something so this second point was useless)
3 She might have a crush on someone (but apparently that had nothing to do with the breakup) and that she thinks she has made the right choice and that I need time to accept this.
At this point I was bad because I realized that she had used me for herself because we were talking in the meantime. This is where you have to things DIFFERENT. Learn from this and start keeping your distance. I am not saying that the outcome will be different but regarding the healing process, it will def be easier on yourself.
In my honest opinion , I am really sorry to say this but I believe she knows it is over and is keeping you around to make it easy for her and make her feel less guilty. (again from my exp I know she told my friend that she felt so bad because I was hurting so bad and that she doesn't know what to tell me when she talks to me... are you kidding I do not need you pity) THIS IS THE ATTITUDE you need to have .
Now if you are going to meet her (make sure it is the last first off) be very clear about everything, tell her how you feel and what things are going through your mind, tell her about where you see this realtiship going (bring everything to the table, Dday) If you don't get a slight positive response... THAT IS IT. Do not question anythign else she does. Start living your life without looking back (I know it will be hard, it is still hard for me) but it does get a whole lot better... Go through The post from SNEEZY (it has helped me).

Good luck buddy let me know how it goes.

Sorry guy, but this has been over for a while, and all you can do is move on, and cut all contact to save yourself more misery, and pain, and further theatrics.

She will not change her mind, and never give you answers to your questions, and will only confuse you further. Disappear from her life.

So she drove down to my house last night and we talked. I was as calm as I could be and she was crying her eyes out and realllly upset. Whenever she looked at me she would start sobbing and sniffling like mad. She was just a mess. I didn't break a sweat though, didn't give in and played it off cool, didn't cry or anything like that and I said "if you think its the right decision then fine we should do it" and then I explained to her everything, and how I feel about it and where I think it will go if we stay together. And she said "no, i dont want to do this but it feels like i have to" and I asked her if it was because there was someone else and I demanded I get an honest answer. And she said and insisted she doesn't want another boyfriend if she breaks up and she promised and swore that she felt that way and that there was no other guy. She said she just wants to be independent and hang out with friends more (which sounds ridiculous cause she's free to do that now). So I said "well whats stopping you now?" and she said "it just wont work if i have a boyfriend" so I just said "ok lets break it off then, and by the way you have a really lousy way of communicating thigns to me, you couldve told me this when you first realized it, instead of stringing me along". And she replied with "well i still want to know you, we can still be friends". And I said "no. no that wouldnt work. its either end it all or try to work it out" and she said she doesn't want to just cut me off like that she still really loves me and would hate to not see me again. So I said " well make up your mind then, i can't really help you here" and then after a while to think about it she's like "ok i still want to be with you then". And she was apologizing like mad, and sayign that she's just really confused right now because she doesn't know if she's missing out on fun things because of our relationship. So I said "ok were still together but we just gotta take it easy". So I gave her the gift and she got really sad and said sorry a few more times said "i really really love you you know". Anyway, when I got out of her car I promised myself that I wouldn't contact her at all and let her sort things out on her own. So that was that. And then this morning she phoned me twice I answered the second time and she wanted to do something and I just said "im busy, maybe tomorrow". Is there anything I did wrong or anything I should do now? I'm definitely going to be really cautious towards the way she acts and I've decided I'm going to let this little immature episode slide (my ability to forgive may be a hinderance). If it happens again I'm out of there like no tomorrow, and I won't be upset at all. Cause now I'm not confused about anything and I know what's wrong with her; it wasn't another guy and she's just in a confused point in her life and needs some time. I guess I'm the one with the power to do what I want now haha. So yeah any comments are appreciated. Thanks

Well I think it's good to try and work it out but don't back down on what you said... Take it slow and if this comes up again then cut her off. I say that because from personal experience I was in her shoes, I felt like I was missing out on things with other possible relationships and my feelings turned out to be real. I wasn't just confused.

I guess I should have taken everyone's advice and got out of the relationship a while ago. To get everyone up to speed: Currently she is dating the guy I was concerned about in the summer. We went on a "break" which was supposed to be for a month but she couldn't resist the urge to go out with this guy. So a long story short: within a week she had already gone out on 3 dates with this guy and made out with him at a party and completely moved on to him. Then the next week she went on more dates, invited him over to her house and slept over at his house when they were completely alone and most likely had sex. It has been so hard on me, I couldn't sleep at night thinking about the whole situation. Also, it seems weird how I know this but she has remained in touch with me and she told me all of this. I should have blocked her out of my life for my own good, because hearing all that has ruined me. One of the last times I talked to her on the phone she said "do you want to meet up this week and we can give eachother our things back? It will have to be friday though because i can't tomorrow im going out with ________." So I told her off and said I never want to talk to her again, and told her that she's a rotten whore and a horrible person, and I got so harsh with her, calling her every name in the book.. which was probably a bad idea, but I was feeling so upset. So that was that I told her to F off and then I hung up.

Now that's only the first part. During the two weeks after that phone call I made an honest effort to rebuild my life. I picked up my marks, got a good part-time job, and was starting to feel good about myself again. So I was on a path to better things I guess you could say; each day I thought about my ex less and less. Then.. last Sunday while I was online on MSN she signed on and started talking to me. The gist of the conversation was:
-she really misses me and realized no one else would care about her as much as I did
-doesn't know if she made the right choice
-wishes she could talk to her new boyfriend as comfortably as she could with me

It was tough talking to her, because I began to think "maybe well get back together" and I even said I would probably go back. She told me to move on to someone else so it wouldn't be weird if we got back together, but truthfully I am too hung up on her. Ive had 2 oppourtunities to "move on" with 2 other girls but I just can't do it, and it's killing me thinking I still love my ex that much after all that has happened. Anyway, while we were talking, I brought up old memories of ours and she got upset and said she couldn't talk to me, and then left, which was the last time I've talked to her. I just want to know why she's doing this. It seems like once I start to get over her she comes back into my life to F it up for me.

Is she being selfish about it all and doesn't want me to move on, all while she does? Do you think she really misses me? Why would she want to talk to me after I called her a filthy slut and negatively criticized her whole character? Any advice would be good. Im sorry if this is broken english and too lengthy but I wrote this hastily. Thanks for your help!

Sure she misses you, but this is not at all related to wanting to be with you in a relationship again. These two are not always related.

The reason why she still talks to you after what you did is because you 1) stood up for yourself2) showed that you are independent and willing to give her up and 3) Expressed your emotions(showing that you are an emotional being and that you care a lot about the whole situation). All of which women like.

The important thing to realise here is what would it be like if you got back together? Would you still love her like before? Trust her like before? Admire her like before?

In all honesty After all that has been done, the relationship will never be the same as it was before. In most cases it is impossible to truly forgive and forget things which have caused such deep pain in people. Sure you can make yourself believe its all in the past, but it often never really goes away.

She is doing nothing you do not allow.

End the confusion by not letting her back in your life.

Boy, I don't know how you cannot think that it's over.

I was once the girl in this situation and all I wanted was my cake & to eat it too. I wanted this loving, stable, and safe boyfriend and I wanted the excitement of the new man I was falling for.
I was selfish and it wasn't until my boyfriend started to man up and leave me, that I knew the mistake I was making. I was walking all over him just for some crush.

What I'm saying is that you can't be so nice to her! You can't go buying her gifts and believing her lies. (yes they're lies; I've been there) If you REALLY want her you have to do this:

Call her up and say (sternly) that you won't deal with this anymore because you want have a girlfriend , not a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Tell her that you're not afraid to leave her if things don't change and remind her of what she's losing.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

Boy, I don't know how you cannot think that it's over.

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I'm well aware it's over. I just posted in this old topic so I didn't waste space. It was over a while ago haha. I really wish she didn't do this though because I know how much she'll regret it; I was the perfect guy for her and we both know that. There's no chance of anything being good now though she has ruined it.

You just need to quit talking to her, as it creates more delusions in your mind. She has already said, in not so many different words, that she doesn't deserve you. Cut her out of your life period. You don't owe anything to her, but you do owe yourself a chance to move on. Thus far, you haven't fully committed to that.

First off, I read this and I wanted to punch my hand through a wall in anger, not at you, but at your lousy ex.

She completely played with you and was being a selfish little . She wanted you there emotionally, but wanted someone else physically. That doesn't fly in a committed relationship.

You tried working this out and did what you could, but she turned out to be a cheating whore, as you said. You were completely justified in saying this, and I would have said the same thing if I were in this situation, my friend. And I felt the sting in the words, and I sure as hell hope she felt it too. She deserves no kindness, no respect, nothing. She got into a committed relationship, in which two people are supposed to be there for one another always, and pull through. She failed, she failed in her commitment. She put your feelings on the line because of her lust and childish actions, and hung you out to dry.

Do you think she cared about you? She didn't, she was looking out for herself. She was crying not for guilt of what she DID TO YOU, but the fear of LOSING you as her emotional tampon. That's what she was crying about. Do you think she was thinking of you when she was out to lunch with this guy, making out with this guy, or making love to him? Hell no.

Tell her to stick it and that you wish her the most unhappyness, toss out anything of hers and put it in the garbage if you still have it. That's all she deserves.

Young girl is not yet mature enough or prepared to seek exclusivity, and is drawn wherever the winds will take her. Happens all the time. Some are open and honest - try to fight the feeling but eventually tell their partner that they can't. Others go out and cheat. Yours seems to have fallen in between.

You'll need a few months, but move on. She's not perfect, and she doesn't want you back.

I feel like a complete idiot because I'm still so hung up on her. In hindsight I would probably make the lousy choice of going back to her too. I hate to admit it but I could see myself doing that. Also, I've been going out and doing my own thing and trying to meet new girls but it's a terrible position for me to be in: First of all I'm still in love with my ex and find it hard to move on because of that, but I'm also afraid to move on because it would seem like I'm sinking to her level; she has got me hog-tied here. It doesn't feel right moving on that quickly, yet my ex is doing it so casually and openly. Is there anything I should do? Overall I'm just not myself anymore; it's been a while since I've been happy and what's making me feel worse is the fact that my ex is in a soon-to-be comfortable relationship now and has found my replacement. Now I know she's been going on about how she misses me and all that but I know it's all fake just like she is. I guarantee she's leading me on again and is keeping in touch cause she knows id be foolish enough to go back to her if anything bad happens in her new relationship. Is there any proactive thing I could do to get out of this little rut I'm in. I feel obligated to do something foolish to this new guy to make yself feel better but obviously it's a bad idea. Would it be a bad idea to talk to him? My mind is racing, still. I need help.

Actually there is nothing else to do, but put your time to good use, enjoying people, places, and things that are new and interesting.

A lot of times the biggest mistake is trying to replace what we had, thinking that we will feel better. Seldom works, but when we realistically just go for the company and good times of friends and family, we can at least make new memories, and feelings to replace the old ones.

Haven't you ever noticed how time flies when your having fun??

That's what you need, time, and a lot of it. The way you spend it is up to you!

Ok I just got off the phone with her. We talked for an hour about everything. The whole time we were talking she was really cautious about what she said, making sure to say nothing wrong and was also reassuring me that I was right and she was wrong. Which is useless in this whole situation I'm assuming. What is getting me though is how she kept talking about her new guy and telling me how he has been overtly and aggressively controlling about her not talking to me. He has told her to block me out of her life completely and for good, but she really doesn't want that. She said "if he knew i was talking to you now he'd be pretty mad, but i want to keep talking to you". They've been together for only a month and he's already acting possessive... which was the "reason" she left me. I don't know.. this whole thing seems really odd and completely silly now. We were talking about him like we were friends and it has left me with such an uneasy feeling. I really don't know what to do now, we had a civil conversation and it wasn't that bad. Should I remain a friend? Would it be a better idea to just let this guy get what he wants and stop talking to her? Thank you for you help. And sorry for all this useless banter about something so childish.

This is not childish at all. She has clearly made her choice, and keeping you around in case she decides to leave. She is hedging her bets. Unless you leave her, and her business alone, NOW, you will allow yourself not only to be caught up in her business, but her having a place to go, IF SHE SO CHOOSES. Her life and problems are her own, now move ahead without her, and get your own act together.

Cut contact, and keep your dignity, and self respect, by dealing with your own problems, NOT HERS.

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Ok I just got off the phone with her

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Considering how you felt after talking to her, can't you see the whole conversation was nothing but confusion, and her giving you FALSE HOPE?

Just read this and it sums it up really well!

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Originally Posted by busterite

It is perfectly normal to feel like that. Take this time to enjoy yourself and become the person you want to be. I was in your position 5 months ago. I went NC pretty much after the 2nd week. She contacted me numerous times but I never responded. I just went on with my life. Catching up with friends making new friends, going on dates, focusing on hobbies I didnt have time to do before and generally trying to fill the gap. And it really did work. Im not sure if Im completely over her but I feel fine.

Then about 3-4 days ago I got an email from her basically telling me how sorry she is for the way she treated me, how her life is a lie and how she has tried to convince herself it was ok of her to leave me but has failed. How she needs me now that she is going through a rough patch, because I was always able to help her, but knows she has no right to ask for friendship after the way she treated me. So what do I understand from all this? She does not want me back for sure but still wants all the emotional support I used to provide because her current guy might not be able to offer her that. So will I actually be her friend and provide all that? DEFINITELY NOT! and I am not doing it out of revenge. Im just protecting myself and do not want to start moving backwards after all ive been through. So what Im trying to say is that you need to put yourself first now and even if her guilt forces her to come back you need to be strong and just keep moving forward.

Good luck with it.

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Hope Busterite doesn't sue me, but this is something YOU need to realize.

No way Tal! It just feels good being able to help people and give back all the good advice and support I got from you and the rest of the people on this site. It helped me more than anything! Thanks

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I really don't know what to do now, we had a civil conversation and it wasn't that bad. Should I remain a friend? Would it be a better idea to just let this guy get what he wants and stop talking to her?

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You know what to do. You need to stop talking to her. She is just meddling with your thoughts. She will keep on doing it for as long as she can because its making her feel better. She is only thinking of herself!!

You hold the power of cutting her off completely and helping yourself out of this unhealthy situation. Don't believe a word of what she says. What is going on is you are providing all the emotional support the new guy can't offer at the moment until he gets to know her and he will be able to at which point she will just cut you off herself. Or he won't and she will come back to you until she finds another guy. So for you it is a lose-lose situation. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to see things for what they really are man.

By stopping talking to her you are not giving this guy what he wants you are giving yourself what you NEED!!

You want to know what to do? You want to know what is the best solution?

Start listening to everything that you are being told on here, and you will be amazed at how well things will turn out for you!

You agreed to go no contact, then you broke it.

Then you said it was all over and you told her what a terrible person she was... then you talked to her again.

You even went so far to say that you had a civil conversation with her, and now because you had one civil conversation, you don't know what to do?

You are in a confused state of mind right now, and that is normal, and you are not the only one, in fact, you are one of millions, but believe me when i say this:

Follow all of the advice that is being given to you on here, and you will save yourself from having to think about things... everyone on here is already doing the thinking for you. Trust us!

I had the same thing happen to me pal, sadly I believe it is the end for you guys :(
Just cut her off no contact mate for a week or two and if you feel your strong enough to talk to her in a friendship manner then discuss things, but prepare if they don't go your way to be back in square 1.
Mine has ended up with her actually with this boy, that's what made it so hard to deal with, but its OK cause we get over things and life goes on :)

Dude, erase her from your life completely. Burn photos, videos, etc, and displace memories of her and you with new memories of you and friends/family. You will be amazed how good you will start to feel in 2 weeks. I joined a club, and now have 30 more friends than I did 2 weeks before. Take this as an opportunity to change yourself into who you want to be. Take cooking classes. Just forget about her. She is poison. Bad, Bad poison. Forever hold fast to the good.

When you actually realize that she won't come back, and even if she did, the relationship would be bogus, that is when you get serious about no contact. Until then, you will continue to beat your head against the wall. I've done it before, and I might do it again (but not with this one). NC is therapy for YOU, not a tool for getting her back, nor is it a revenge tactic. Live for you my man, and be happy. You can do whatever the eff you want, starting now.

Here are things to do instead of communicating with the ex (non-exclusive).
1. Video Games
2. Partying with friends (new chicks!)
3. Talking to other girls (it helps more than you think. Just flirt with them a bit, to realize that 'You still got it')
4. Classes/work
5. New Hobby. Mine was ballroom dancing (more chicks!)
6. Fantasize being with other women.
7. Fantasize being with famous women (ugh, Eleanor Roosevelt).
8. Reading (especially if you are alone and at night, the worst time of a breakup.)
9. Whatever you want!

Others please add activities for this guy. Do them all. Just don't contact the she-devil. Even if she comes knocking at your door.

Volunteer
Get a job (or another job)
Go to the gym
Take long walks
Take long baths while blaring good music that uplifts you