I am hoping that I can have much needed advice from both male and females.

I am 35years old and he is 39. I have never been married and always had short lived relationships for some reason, I suppose just never meeting the right guy. Anyway I met my current partner about 6 weeks after my previous boyfriend who cheated on me. My parnter fell for me within a couple of weeks... which was rather novel for me as nobody had ever felt this way about me. I went in to the relationship with a huge emotional wall up afraid of being hurt 'again'. Anyway we had such a fun 8 weeks until... I fell pregnant. We were both very irresponsible and my worst fear had finally came true... pregnant outside of either marriage or a committed relationship.

For a few days I was warming to the prospect, but after speaking to people reality hit home and I realised that I didn't know this man at all. I knew a few things about his past which I didn't sit well with me all to do with morals. He also has two other children from two different women. I was also concerned about what people would say "pregnant after 2 months" my parents are highly religious and I just could nt face telling them.

I decided after 2 weeks of being on a different emotional tortured planet I just couldn't go through with it. I was also about to do something which I had once been against. I use to wear a lapel of two baby feet against abortion. I just really couldn't see any other way around this awful situation. I was terrified, angry, upset and incredibly tortured. He on the hand wanted me to have the baby. I thought after he told me about his past that I would end up as a lonely single parent on the shelf.

I had a termination. Afterwards it was a huge mix of emotions and I would have good days and bad. The guilt and regret was incredibly strong... and I knew that if I had known that I would feel like this I wouldve gone through with the pregnancy and had my child. This was 15months ago now. I have had periods where I sob for days... I did seek counselling.

Going back to after the termination when we could be physiccally active again... my partner never initiated sex anymore. I had to ask and pester him. During sex I could tell he was very different he would touch me anywhere... just do the minimum.. where as before he was all over me telling me that it was the best sex ever. Sex had now become once every 5 weeks then once evrey two months, then 3 months... then basically we haven't had sex since Sept 2010. The last time we tried he went limp. This obviously hurt me .greatly.. the rejection that I felt... unattractive... undesired.

When I asked him way back last April about how he felt about what I had to do (termination) he said I don't think about it anymore, I've buried it. Which I replied it isn't healthy to bury things you must talk to me. He has given me strange reasons for not having sex and never quite telling me the truth. Until I pestered him for truth and he says it must have something to do with the termintation. Also his past relationships an ex fell pregnant too... this timem though he didn't want her to have the baby... but she did... he has never seen this child. So this is two women who have gone against his wishes... could this be part of it too ( I am sure).

He explains that his lack of sexual feeling isn't improving at all. I on the other hand are desperate for a child... but obviously this isn't going to happen.

Please help and advise. He says he will go to the doctors but that has been for last 6 weeks.

I think maybe your desire to try again is not the problem, but the partner you are with is. Maybe this relationship is fizzling out, not because of the termination, but lack of honest communications.

I am sorry for your loss, but its time to look deeply and see if this is a relationship you BOTH want to work on and save. Maybe its not the right time to look to build something on this flaky foundation. It happens, not all relationships are forever, and there will be others, and it seems he has done this to other woman, and eventually left them, so he may not change, and if not, he ain't the one anyway for the long term.

Lack of sex is but a symptom of a problems in other areas of the relationship that need to be addressed. Takes two willing partners to find out what it is, identify a solution, and work to solve it in a way that you both agree on.

There comes a time where tough decisions have to be made. I believe that you made the right decision, for the right reasons, to terminate the pregnancy. Many, including me, have been in your shoes, and have also done the same thing. 'Walk a mile' is the only way I can describe any person truly being able to understand this choice.

There is always a consequence, and I'm glad that you have sought out therapy to help you address the termination. It is important that you keep fighting to deal with the other problems that are keeping you in this stagnant place right now as well.

Your relationship with him has changed, and probably would have, regardless of the pregnancy. For all the same reasons you decided not to have a lifelong bond with this man, still exist. He is still the man with children from different women, and he is still the man that sounds emotionally distant from you. He is who he is, and it seems to me that needs are not being met on either side.

Think about what you need to do, and the position you need to be in, in order to be ready to bring a child into this world. What would those things be. A compatible partner with certain traits or characteristics, honesty, compatibility over the long haul, reliability, commitment, trust, security,etc. For every characteristic you learn about a man in a relationship, needs, over the longer term, time. Know the man you are seriously comfortable with, get married, save money, be as prepared as you can, and only then start thinking about having a baby.

One final thing I'd like to say is that I hope you find the strength to be strong and able, on your own, to call your own shots, for all the right reasons. This is your life after all.

Many thanks for your quick replies.

I do feel that I am in a rut and it is not good. I have been like this for a year now and you are right we have built this relationship on flaky foundations. We were thrown in to this I suppose. He also wanted me to move in with him after 3 months but I refrained. The irony... I was worried that he was feeling hurt and rejected and decided to move in with him 3months later. I gave up my flat and indpendence to be with him. I think I was hoping that things would calm down and we could be 'normal' again. How wrong was I?

I am angry that he hasn't sort help earlier or spoke to me about it and allowed his mind to be full of rensentment towards me. But perhaps you are right... even if the pregnancy never arose this is the path that our relationship would've followed.

There are things to think about and I need to decide what I want.

Thank you once again, deeply appreciated.

Threads merged, for the whole story.

Hi,

I have already posted on here and with your advise I have really looked at this relationship which has been built on 'flaky' foundations.

I spoke to my partner at christmas and told him that if I didn't see any changes I would have leave. We have been together for over 18months. He is still at the stage of getting incredibly wasted (drunk) even at the age of 39. Often going out with his other friends who appear still to be at the stage of getting paralytic, quite unsightly for men of this age. After our unfortunate accident he lost all desire in taking me out and this is only after being together for 2months nearly. I gave it time, he would always have excuses for not bothering with me... relating to money. But he would proceed to spend nearly £100 on a night out with the 'boys'.

I have quite frankly had enough... and I really don't know what he is getting from this relationship... no sex, no desire to wine and dine me, no intamcy... but a most loyal girlfriend with good morals. Is moving out the right decision? I moved in to his after 6 months due to pressure from him... I am cross that I gave up my independence to move so early on in our relationship. I suppose I moved in because I thought it would help our healing process... but unfortunately he never spoke of it... and if he found me sobbing he would tell to stop attention seeking.

Please a little advise would be welcomed.

Thanks in anticipation

He doesn't want us to split up but he also isn't making any effort in keeping me here. He still hasn't been to the doctors about his lack of sexual desire. I know I do deserve to be treat much better

Moving out without a split is a good decision. It would make him decide what he really wants, you or his wine party. Let him understand which one is important

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Asking75

I know I do deserve to be treat much better

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I agree. Who is going to make sure that happens? (Yes, you. Each of us is in charge of our own fate.)

Leave and never look back

Your update post on confirms what I have said before, that you have many problems in other areas of this relationship, and alcohol is but one thing to contend with, and lack of empathy that allows him to be a good partner for you is another.

Moving out was a great choice, and ending this dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship would be another great decision in my opinion.

Then you would be free to heal, and get healthy yourself.