I just can't find it in me to forgive my mother
The situation between me and my mother has always been rocky at the best of times... well since my teens anyway. But at one time we were really really close. About two years ago my mother and I had a falling out that has never really been resolved. My husband and I were having marital problems... BIg marital problems, and while now I can chalk it up to just getting married too young, and not knowing what I really wanted in life, at the time my world was crashing around me. While I will not play a complete innocent victim here, I played a major roll in my marriage falling apart, I was not completely at fault. The night I decided to leave my husband for a " trial" separation, to go clear my head, figure out what I really wanted, He left for work in tears... it hurt me to see him like that and I decided to stay one more day to spend sometime with him. Since he was on midnights anyway and would, be at work all night and asleep most of the morning I decided to go hang out with a few friends for the night and would spend the day with him the next day. Although these friends were in no way helping my situation, at the time, I didn't think twice about it. That night, our apartment was broken into they took everything from my prepacked luggage to my dog... and everything valuable in between. I had no knowledge of this and didn't know anything until the police called me the next morning. They asked me to come down and questioned my whereabouts and that of my friends, while eventually they acknowledged that I had nothing to do with it, somehow my husband and mother had become convinced that I as behind the whole thing and turned their backs on me. My parents took my husband into their home, and refused all calls from me, I left town with a duffle bag, determined to start my life over. Two months later my grandmother died. I went home for the funeral, and everone acted like nothing had ever happened, I had gone through the roughest part of my life and no one was there for me, yet everyone acted like it was OK. It was just days before christmas and I couldn't get a flight out until boxing day so I was stuck there. I figured I might as well make the best of it. Low and behold who shows up for christmas? My ex husband, MY MOTHER tells me if we can't get along than I will have to leave! Long story short this charade went on for a while of everyone pretending everything was OK, Than one day I just snapped I couldn't take it anymore. I WAS ANGRY, no one had ever acknowledged what happened, no one apologized for abandoning me when I needed my family the most, I tried to put it behind me for my grandma's sake, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I sent my mother an email, telling her how I felt, exactly how hurt I was, and how I could no longer take the ignorance of the situation. My little sister got involved and after several nasty emails back and forth I ended all contact with everyone. The only response I got was from my step father saying" hope you change your mind someday" the end nothing more, no apology, nothing. The problem is, even though there has been no contact, I am still angry, there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about it and get upset.
I WAS HER CHILD how could she turn her back on me like that? I know I should forgive her, I know they say if you don't forgive someone you give them the power to make you angry, but how? How do you forgive? Is it worth it for me to try ? With my mother it has been a never ending battle for me to forgive her and than have her do something horrible to upset me again. What do you think?