Anger, Vengeful behaviour, Resentment.. How to get rid of these qualities?
Hello,
I am back here after a long time. (Thankfully)
Got over a lot of my insecurity and jealousy issues and got married last year after I knew she was the one and I'm very sure she is.
The reason I come for help today is because of my anger.
I tend to get irritated really fast and say something in that moment usually in a rude way.
My wife was the type of person who had the most patience I had ever seen in anybody but she snaps at me back for the past year or so. She never used to before even if I was angry. (she would understand that whatever I am saying is out of anger and that I don't actually mean such crap - I never mean it) but over time she has started getting affected by what I say in anger. Fights back.
She went into depression for a few months about 2 years ago and I wasn't there for her as I never understood it in the initial phases as to why would she wake up crying and why is she suddenly sad out of nowhere and I took it personally and would tell her to stop ruining my day and dragging me down if she is feeling low.
It was here when she saw I wasn't with her that she started losing her patience with me and started snapping at me out of nowhere at the smallest things which she never would have. She still does but not as often.
We recently spoke and she feels much better now, but always holds it against me that I wasn't there for her at her lowest point. She can also recognise when she is getting angry now and can tell me before she snaps and starts getting her stress headaches(sometimes) and it is at this point that I mess up. (not when she says she is getting her headaches or physical pain anywhere due to the stress).
Sometimes I am able to calmly tell her that I understand her, etc but there are days where I feel her anger is on a really stupid reason and tell her the same because it irritates me that she would get upset over something so small and be ready to pick a fight and if she can be ready to pick a fight then I am not going to back down either.
That is my issue. My anger. I wish someone can teach me a way here to not go blind in anger and think such stupid crap .
Many times in the fight I cant even be bothered to fight anymore and I am fighting only so that she sees my point of view or sometimes 'i want to teach her what she is doing is wrong so keep going on' .
This is the part I need major help with. The fact that I have this messed up thinking in my head that I need to teach her this lesson for hurting my ego and insulting me that I keep on arguing instead of calming down the fight even though I can feel a part of me not wanting to fight. (means I'm not even angry at that point, I just go on because I want to be right) .
How do I get over this attitude of wanting to be Right in every fight?
How can I be a calmer and better husband and help my wife be happy?
How can I get this mentality of wanting to Punish everyone who wrongs me according to me and get rid of this vengeful anger attitude?
Thank you.