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-   -   People it's time to make a chain of jokes! (please join in) (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=716886)

  • Nov 14, 2012, 06:41 PM
    SweetPea95
    People it's time to make a chain of jokes! (please join in)
    OKAY I KNOW THIS IS A SITE FOR QUESTIONS BUT I'M IN AN AWESOME MOOD AND IT TIME FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN!

    LETS SEE HOW MANY JOKES PEOPLE CAN COME UP WITH (appropriate ones of course and if there is cuss words, please switch out with different words or censor them)
    !ANYONE CAN JOIN IN!
    I'LL START
    A man and a woman were assigned to the same sleeping quarters on a train, both married to different people. Both embarrassed but so tired they fall right asleep, man in the upper berth, woman in the lower.
    At 1 in the morning the man wakes up the woman saying ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you please reach in the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
    "I got a better idea," the woman replied "why don't we act like we are married... just for tonight."
    "That's an excellent idea!" the man exclaimed.
    "Good... " she replied "Now get your own f#$%&*@ blanket"
    ... seconds of silence pass... the man farts.
  • Nov 14, 2012, 07:02 PM
    smearcase
    Three friends go on a tour of a brewery, The tour was completed and two friends realized the third was missing so they go see the foreman of the brewery to ask if he has seen their friend. The foreman slaps his forehead and says - so that's who fell in the beer vat and drowned. The other two guys were very distraught and asked-- Did he suffer badly? The foreman said- we don't think so-- one of my workers said that he saw him get out twice to use the bathroom.
  • Nov 14, 2012, 07:05 PM
    smearcase
    A horse goes in a bar. Bartender puts a napkin down on the bar in front of the horse and says- "Why the long face?" (sorry)
  • Nov 14, 2012, 07:08 PM
    SweetPea95
    Nice :D
  • Nov 14, 2012, 07:59 PM
    SweetPea95
    Come on people. The more jokes we get, the funnier this will be!
  • Nov 16, 2012, 05:48 AM
    SweetPea95
    Here's another

    A teacher was reading the story "the three little pigs"
    She said the first little pig was building his house out of straw... but he didn't have any. The little pig sees a farmer with a wheel barrel full of straw. The little big goes up to the farmer and says "dear farmer, may i have some of your straw so i can build my house?"
    The teacher looks at her students and asks "now kids, what do you think the farmer is going to say?"
    A boy in the front row raises his hand and says a matter-of-factly
    "i think the farmer would have said 'Well I'll be Son of a b*%#@! IT'S A TALKING PIG!"
  • Nov 19, 2012, 04:36 PM
    Wondergirl
    Pete and Repeat were standing on a bridge. Pete jumped off. Who was left?
  • Nov 20, 2012, 09:25 AM
    SweetPea95
    I'VE HEARD OF THIS ONE! But cheese and crackers I can't remember what it was. Ggrrrrr -_-
  • Nov 20, 2012, 09:52 AM
    aliseaodo
    Repeat.
    Pete and Repeat were standing on a bridge, Pete jumped off, who was left?
    Repeat.
    Pete and Repeat were standing on a bridge, Pete jumped off, who was left?
    Repeat.
    Pete and Repeat were standing on a bridge, Pete jumped off, who was left?
    Repeat.
    Pete and Repeat were standing on a bridge...
  • Nov 20, 2012, 09:55 AM
    SweetPea95
    OOHHHHH!! Lol wow that flew over my head XD
  • Nov 20, 2012, 09:57 AM
    Wondergirl
    My little brother and I used to tell each other that riddle endlessly and each time fall on the floor laughing. My mother had such patience.
  • Nov 20, 2012, 10:02 AM
    SweetPea95
    I know one joke real well, but I can't put it on here ~sad face~ every time I tell it to someone they laugh their heads off, especially guys haha
  • Nov 20, 2012, 02:16 PM
    smearcase
    Guy came home at 1 PM from the pickle factory and his wife said what are you doing home at this time of day. He said- I got fired.
    Wife said --why did you get fired?
    He said-- I got my ____ (use your imagination here) caught in the pickle slicer.
    Wife replied--What in the world happened with the pickle slicer?
    He said-- They fired her too!
  • Nov 20, 2012, 04:49 PM
    smearcase
    World chess tournament held in a major hotel.
    Final day after all the matches had been held and all the hundreds of players were standing around in the lobby, talking about all their triumphs.
    They were causing a disruption to the operation of the hotel so the manager announced: Ladies and Gentlemen, please move on. I can't have you chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
  • Nov 21, 2012, 11:20 AM
    SweetPea95
    :d
  • Nov 21, 2012, 04:26 PM
    smearcase
    Toyota Vice President went to Dr. to discuss an embarrassing problem.
    He told the Dr. that lately he had a lot of gas and he could deal with that but when he passed the gas the noise emitted sounded like someone saying "Honda".
    The Toyota exec said that this was especially troublesome when it happened during Toyota board meetings and he feared for his job.
    The Dr. said that he couldn't help and suggested that the VP visit a dentist because he said that he had read in medical journals that often- abscess can make the f*rt go honda

    Sweetpea-give us a hint or two about that joke you can't tell. Maybe someone will recognize it and can figure out a way to tell it. I can't stand the suspense.
  • Nov 22, 2012, 09:18 AM
    smearcase
    Guy asked his friend how things were going with the psychiatrist he knew that his friend had been consulting. The friend said-- Well, I don't know for sure. I asked him at the last appointment to show me one positive result from all my visits. In response, he took me to the window and showed me his new Porsche.

    (from The American Legion Magazine December 2012)
  • Nov 22, 2012, 09:24 AM
    smearcase
    I posted this one here a while back and it got 660 views and zero responses but I still think it is funny so I got to try it again:

    Saw an old movie a few hours ago with Basil Rathbone.
    He met a middle aged lady and ask her if she was married.
    She said she was a widow.
    He said "The war I guess?"
    She side "No-- plumbing".
    He had a confused look and she said (in order to clarify):
    "Somebody fetched him with a lead pipe".
  • Nov 22, 2012, 09:32 AM
    Wondergirl
    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

    ********************
    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'"

    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

    *******************
    THE MALE-FEMALE DICTIONARY
    Subtle Differences in Meaning

    1. DOOHICKEY:
    A. Female... Any part under a car's hood.
    B. Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    A. Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
    B. Male... Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    A. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    B. Male... Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    A. Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    B. Male... Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    A. Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    B. Male... Anything that can be done while drinking.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    A. Female... An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
    B. Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    A. Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    B. Male... Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up naked.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    A. Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    B. Male... A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

    ********************
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad; Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic!?"
  • Nov 22, 2012, 10:00 AM
    smearcase
    WG,
    I'm betting that you got that dictionary from the non-fiction section of the library. Too accurate to be otherwise.

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