I need some advice…

I was with this great girl for like 5 years… we lived together and it was leading towards a life together. Things got rough in a weird period of our lives – lots of arguing and fighting -- so we split for a month to think about things (mutually). Within a month she was with another guy (I think she has issues with being alone) – I was shocked because I didn’t think we were seriously ending things.

I got really depressed and for like a year and a half I couldn’t get over her. I took it all for granted, and when it was gone, I was destroyed inside. I realize how much I really loved her… but it was too late. She was gone. She ended up moving in with that guy within 4 months. I kept contact with her to a bare minimum… I was so sad and had a hard time letting go. I never fully did.

Here I am two years later. I recently started to hang out with her a bit, and I think we both felt old feelings flare up. We actually kissed a few times… My love for her was aroused and I found myself thinking about her more than ever.

But she’s still living with her boyfriend (same guy)! After a while she stopped the kissing because she felt guilty about it I’m sure… But she never talks about him and acts as if he doesn’t even exist. We still hang out and I’m still crazy about her though. I think she realized we were both immature and possibly ended something that was really good….. but now she’s with someone new and I think she’s feeling torn.

Do I try to get her back? Or am I just setting myself up for a big fall again?

I want her back in my life but don’t know how to approach it… I don’t want to come on too hard but …. At the same time I want her to know how I feel. Do I just tell her or will that scare her away?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated—I’m totally confused and anxious-- Thanks!

I think I would just end things. You know she is with her "boyfriend". Why put yourself through more complications. That isn't fair to yourself. You can tell her how you feel if that makes you feel better but I wouldn't push it.

If she still lives with her boyfriend how are you two meeting? Does she lie to see you?

Also I don't think this is even worth your time. As you 2 been together for 5 years. After a temp. split she found somebody else and moved in with him. I wouldn't want to be the sloppy seconds. Maybe they are fight ing right now and she is looking for comfort and since you are there she doesn't have to look very far.

I could be wrong maybe you 2 do have that "flame". Exactly what is the flame?

I think you're just setting yourself up for a big fall again. This woman sound indecisive and unable to make any kind of real, lasting relationship commitment. She spent 5 years with you, then bailed out and has been with this other guy for 2 years and is now possibly considering bailing out again. I think that with this woman, all you'll end up with is the "Part-time Lover" that Stevie Wonder sang about so many years ago (and I realize that that last statement shows my age lol.)

Dude - she not into you now. Get over her. SHE LIVING WITH ANOTHER DUDE.

You really should have sought conseling - 2 years to get over someone?

Woman can SMELL desperatin a mile a away.

I bet $1 million she was your entire life. You had her on a pedestal.

PLEASE MOVE ON - listen to these guys.

You're I nthe friend zone. Woman rarely go back to men they were with. Once they're done, they are done.

I have a feeling you contacted her more than you let on.

You should have dated and found someone else. That;s kind of creepy.

Dear Phillip, once a woman makes up her mind, and after two years, you could have changed 100 percent, but so did she. She has other expectations in life now, and was probably just testing you to see if she still missed 'something' about you. But that's it. Go to another chapter in life and get out there and meet some new girls who are already grown and don't need to play games. Moving on is part of the learning process as well as the hurt. It all depends on how you deal with it. Keep in touch and let us know how you progress, but get her out of your mind, it's healthier for you. Good Luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_9_7.gif STOP THIS!

Oh boy, read my threads buddy and save yourself A lot of pain and torture. She HAS a man in her life right now, let it go at least until she leaves him. TRUST ME! LOL, read my threads and think about them for at least 2 days, then come back on here and tell us what you think. Good Luck brother, I feel for you! :cool:

Thanks for the advice…. As painful as it is to realize, I think you all are right and I’m going down a bad path.

The fact is… we weren’t just casually dating. When we broke up we were engaged. A month away from the wedding -- invitations already out and everything. And Wildcat…. You were wrong - I didn’t put her up on a pedestal. If anything, I was the typical young guy who doesn’t know if he wants to get married yet. I was hesitant about the whole thing and I think that was one of the issues that had caused problems. I think we jumped in to marriage to early and it made the relationship implode.

When we broke up were fresh out of college… I went from a party life to a corporate life…. So yeah, I was especially bummed out – the combination of her loss and a crappy transition made me sad (and a harder time meeting new girls being out of college). And believe me, I wasn’t crying in my pillow in some pathetic way… I have dated several girls over the past two years. Its just that none of the relationships have turned into anything special.

I think that’s why seeing her again made me feel this way… I realize that in comparison to the other girls I’ve been dating, I really like her the best – and I was stupid to be hesitant about committing to her. But I was younger and hadn’t learned some important lessons yet, I suppose.

Anyways…. Its obviously impossible to convey all the specifics of the situation to defend my stance here, but I think it’s a classic case of “took her for granted, lost her, and see a chance to get her back.”

I guess I was thinking there’s a chance that she has the case of “got out of a near-marriage relationship, rebounded to the first thing that popped up, and eventually realized that maybe that was the wrong decision.”

I guess, all in all, my stance would perhaps be feasible if she wasn’t with another guy. I suppose that last detail says it all. Well, thanks for the advice.

You know, you were engaged and 'backed out', but grew since then, and so did she. She probably still feels as you, thinking that nobody compares to what you both had had in the beginning. Even though she has another now, as you had several other's, you might both be coming to the conclusion that you were meant for each other, but the only way to find that out is to communicate. Talking it out, all of it, can't be any worse than what you have been going through for the past few years, so do it and get it over with. That way you will know where you stand. You will either start a new chapter together, or start anew alone. These are choices you both have the option to make, but it won't work if you don't talk first. No matter how it works out, I wish you luck. Read your own conclusions in the last post, you've already reached there.. so what now? Again, it's your choice.

Dude - wondering if when you went from College to corporate -you changed. Fun guy to boring uptight corporate guy?

Ever heard... "Girls just want to have fun?" All woman want to have fun.

You need to remember being the fun guy from the first couple years - add something to your current self.

I have a feeling you were boring and she didn't want that life. You still need to add mystery, fun, etc.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Dude - wondering if when you went from College to corporate -you changed. Fun guy to boring uptight corporate guy?

Ever heard....."Girls just want to have fun?" All woman want to have fun.

You need to remember being the fun guy from the first couple years - add something to your current self.

I have a feeling you were boring and she didn't want that life. You still need to add mystery, fun, etc.

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Hey WC, the guy has learned a lot, just read what conclusions he came to all by himself. He has potential, and that's why she is checking him out with the hope there is still a chance. We all have hopes that those we care about learn and while doing so, we learn too. So give them a chance... Who knows, they might do better now than if they would have done before going through this process.

At any rate, I wish you all the best now and in the future. Wildcat is right about one thing here, have fun. If you can remember that you laughed together about a few things, focus on those when talking with her, and she'll remember those good times again. Please keep us posted.

Her actions speak louder than words, take note for the 2 key points:

SHE'S LIVING WITH ANOTHER GUY
SHE'S SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER GUY

Watch the end of "There's Something About Mary" for us guysits really hard too walk away sometimes but YOU HAVE TO. Trust me watch the end of the movie & walk away.

If she wanted you, you wouldn't be the secret guy on the side.

Stay busy & stay away from her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ny_citymouse

Her actions speak louder than words, take note for the 2 key points:

SHE'S LIVING WITH ANOTHER GUY
SHE'S SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER GUY

Watch the end of "There's Something About Mary" for us guysits really hard too walk away sometimes but YOU HAVE TO. Trust me watch the end of the movie & walk away.

If she wanted you, you wouldn't be the secret guy on the side.

Stay busy & stay away from her.

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Let's face it there is not much monogamy left in this world and the people nowadays don't buy a pair of shoes before trying on several for the 'right fit' Talking about shows, do you watch Sex and the City? Even the men I know watch it and some even learn some pointers..
What you are implying is that it's OK for men to sleep around but oh boy if a girl does, then that's it?? That is a double standard in today's world of reality. By the way, welcome to the forum.

Hi Chery,

No I'm not implying the old double standard. I just think he shouldn't be pining away for someone who is "with" someone else. For emotional & medical reasons (lol).

Its funny that you mentioned Sex & the City I saw my first 2 episodes today & yesterday. If you want to see something great & romantic watch Before Sunrise & Before Sunset

I'd love to but I can only watch what the Germans are willing to buy and put on the air here, as this is were I live. Some of my friends record and send me one of my favorite scifi's - I love all of the Stargate series and can't wait for my next SG Atlantis.
They now have the last Stargate Series on Pro7 here, and I'm glad I understand it a little. I just wish I could hear it in original, as Richard Dean Anderson was always one of my favorites, except for McGiver, that was too fake.

As far as this issue, I guess I'm just an old lady who believes in giving things a chance. I did (took me two years) and it worked, so I'm a believer in hope.

Thanks again for the words of advice.
I will definitely proceed with caution and try not to let my heart get too attached... The responses were a good dose of reality mixed with a sprinkling of optimistic hope (thanks chery). We'll see how it goes, but I don't think I'll be doing anything rash and will just take time with things... not really moving on anything unless the situation changes to my favor.

Well, I think yes, you have a great chance of getting her back. Perhaps things are not going well with the other guy and he is pushing her towards you. In that case you need to be careful. You need to set the pace.

The best thing you can do is to let her know that you love her (not desperately or directly) and that you realize she has to deal with her feelings. Let her know that she has to figure things out for her own good and if that meant her going with the other guy you are OK with it. When she hears this something weird will happen. This is called a loving takeaway, basiclaly you are telling her you would like to be with her but you are equally capable of survivng on your own. Believe it or not, a couple of days will pass and she would have broken up with that guy.

Most important is not to be too available. Don't act like you are in a relationship with her. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" exactly, don't let her take you for granted because she WILL and you will end up in a very messy situation once again. Date other people mean while, not as game playing or to make her jealous, but it is important that you are not emotionally Dependent on her if you are to have a healthy relationship with her. You don't and must not sit around waiting if you are to get her. This is the only way to deal with a situation like this. Get busy do interesting stuff be mysterious to her and exciting and she would want to discover you all over again. This time don't screw up again. There is a reason she left you 1.5 years ago. Figure it out and fix it. Read a bunch of relationship books I recommend ones by John Gottman

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I agree, you should let it go until she leaves him (if she does). If she doesn't leave him in 6 months say then you could tell her how you feel as you don't have that much to lose really, as far as the relationship goes.

Sorry about the agreeing/disagreeing, only just figured out what the buttons do xD