I have an 18 year old son who seems to be spending a lot of time away from home. He is still at school and is doing quite well and has 2 p/t jobs as well as a steady girlfriend. Since turning 18 he had a party at our house without asking and has been staying over at his girlfriends a lot. He says now he is 18 he can do what he wants. Due to serious financial problems I have not been well this year and I have anxiety issues. Before this year I did loads for my son and was really involved but now he tends to get angry with me very quickly and therefore I basically let him do what he wants. I am very worried about him not wanting to be at home but he says he's quite happy! Any advice?

Hello? Your house, your rules. 18 years old, 14 or 22, he is disrespecting you by not asking permission to have a party at your house. Who is paying the mortgage after all? If he doesn't like living at home and following your rules then he can move out and pay his own rent somewhere. You're abdicating your responsibility as a parent if you let him do what he wants just because he gets angry. As far as being home, with that schedule it doesn't sound like he has a whole lot of time left to be at home outside of sleep and showers. Just my opinion of course. I'm sorry about your health/anxiety issues and financial stress. :(

Who owns his cell phone, who owns the car he drives, do you give him a penny to pay any bill.

Use what you have to force your rules

He pays for his own car although my parents pay the insurance. We pay for his phone and I pay for his gym membership. I feel really he wants nothing to do with us and I know as a parent I am giving in to him but my anxiety seems to be taking over what my rational mind thinks. It needs to change really. Do you think we should cancel the membership and paying for his phone?

I think you need to sit him down and make it clear that even if he is legally an adult ,he is still a member of the family and it is his responsibility to be respectful and abide by house rules.

I think you should be open about feeling a bit neglected and remind him that you have feelings also and try to find a compromise that you both can live with.

He also needs to understand that as a Mom there is no magic age when a parent suddenly stops worrying about them.

My eldest is almost 30 and I still expect to have communication with him at least a few times a week.It is not just about family,it is simple common courtesy to touch base and prevent unnecessary stress on you.

I would not cut him off financially just yet ,I would see what happens after you and he have a calm adult conversation about this.

He sounds like a good kid who is just spreading his wings and feeling a little cocky right now.

Try to remember how you felt at that age but let him know that if he truly wants to be treated as an adult he must behave as one and that means living up to family responsibility.

That was a very helpful answer. The only aspect I propably have not mentioned is that I have been seeing a counsellor, which my son knows about. He sees this as though I am mentally ill! I have explained it to him. It is still the case that he would rather spend time with his girlfriend having stayed over there 3 times this week already!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandrathomas

That was a very helpful answer. The only aspect I propably have not mentioned is that I have been seeing a counsellor, which my son knows about. He sees this as though I am mentally ill! I have explained it to him. It is still the case that he would rather spend time with his girlfriend having stayed over there 3 times this week already!

---

Given the choice of Mom or his GF.I am not surprised he is choosing her,that is just the way of kids.He is still a kid despite being an adult in the eyes of the law.

Perhaps you could ask him to go to counseling with you one time and have the counselor explain to him what you are doing in counseling and help him to understand that you do not need added stress at this time.



Should he decide not to comply with your request to be home so many nights a week ,I would make my next step be a call to her parents.

I would ask the girls parents how much supervision there is and see what their take is on him being there so much.

Good luck! It is a very difficult age for parents and teens.That magic number 18 causes a lot of issues.Its a time to really step up the communication.

I already know that the parents are very lenient and that they sleep together when he stays over. Her parents have always been like that and as she is 20 she has already had a number of serious relationships, who also slept over. This is my sons first proper girlfriend. I suppose I am blaming myself for things having gone so wrong!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandrathomas

I already know that the parents are very lenient and that they sleep together when he stays over. Her parents have always been like that and as she is 20 she has already had a number of serious relationships, who also slept over. This is my sons first proper girlfriend. I suppose I am blaming myself for things having gone so wrong!

---

He is most likely a little bit overwhelmed with this girl as she is older and more experienced.

I think the parents allowing a variety of boys to sleep over is a big mistake.
I was hoping that perhaps they would be in your corner but it would appear they are very free thinking and not setting any boundaries for their daughter.

Bottom line,if he does not want to comply with your house rules,perhaps you do need to cut him off financially to get your point across.

He sounds like a good kid who is just head over heels with a more mature and experienced girl who is most likely encouraging him to be with her.

Blaming yourself for anything is very counter productive and achieves nothing.
I would sit down and have a serious chat about this and lay down the law,while still allowing him some independence.
Try to compromise.
It a tough time for a parent when the kids are leaving the nest and we know they don't possess the necessary skills to do so.

We can't protect them forever however and have to allow them the opportunity to make mistakes and grow from them.

Hang in there ,it does get better :)

Hello, I am Sam's Dad and maybe see things more black and white, my wife after all has borne him and has been the leading parent and carer as I've worked full time throughout his first 18 years. I want to help, but know being 18 has gone to his head and announcing a new / first girlfriend the same week has come as a shock to us! I believe his big issue is the last few weeks at school need to come to the forefront as his A'level results will have a knock on effect with the rest of his life. Could she not be the first of many girlfriends? And if he has a gap year will she still be there 12 months down the road? Ed

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandrathomas

Hello, I am Sam's Dad and maybe see things more black and white, my wife after all has borne him and has been the leading parent and carer as I've worked full time throughout his first 18 years. I want to help, but know being 18 has gone to his head and announcing a new / first girlfriend the same week has come as a shock to us!! I believe his big issue is the last few weeks at school need to come to the forefront as his A'level results will have a knock on effect with the rest of his life. Could she not be the first of many girlfriends? And if he has a gap year will she still be there 12 months down the road? Ed

---

Certainly at the tender age of eighteen this could be one of many girls that he will have in his life,but try telling him that ! I am sure he is smitten and believes it will last forever.

I am not sure I understand what you mean by a gap year but I think you need to let the relationship run its natural course and let him know that if he needs any advice about the birds and the bees you are there to talk and listen.

Any attempt on your part to demean the girl or the relationship will only succeed in pushing him away so I would just let him continue on and inform him that there are still family/household rules regardless of his age.

I tried the birds and the bees as soon as he told us, but he laughed at me and needed no explanation. The gap year is a year spent either working or travelling before going to University in Setember 2011. Thanks for your encouraging advice. Ed

June is quickly coming around the corner. If he is still in High School and graduates then. Then start by handing him bills for his room and board and for his cell phone etc. If he really wants to play adult then let him experience the full brunt of it. Also tell your parents to stop buying his insurance. Let him stand on his own and see how he likes it. He may be impressed with this new girl but the fact remains that she is still living at home at 20. Doesn't smack of responsibility so far. Also you might calculate child support for your state and start handing him bills for that because that is going to happen if he is not going to be responsible in his ways. If he thinks it is some kind of joke send him to the law board we have here and then see how funny it is. Today's kids have it far too easy. So set him straight now or he will pay for it later.

I have to admit at 18,19 or any age we( I'm also 19) teens tend to want to not be home, we want something different, but still it is your home your rule he should live by them, its called discipline. He needs to learn how to listen and respect