I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of one year. He is a lovely man, and I'm sure he loves me and my children, but I'm scared this isn't the right thing to do.

He was there for me when I broke up with my ex-husband and I'm positive my children love him, too. My oldest son even suggested we should get married one day.

However, I still think I have feelings for my ex-husband. It was an abusive relationship (he's an alcoholic, he'd cheat on me lots of times and he'd hit me when he got drunk), but I've known him ever since I was 7 and he stuck with me for the hardest moments of my life. We had five children together and I loved him with all my life, but he found someone else.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I only agreed to marry my boyfriend because I didn't want to upset me, or because my little girl keeps asking me to find her a new daddy (her father practically disappeared after we broke up). I really like my fiancée and I think we'd have a great life together, but I'm really scared.

Go with your gut. If you think you still have feelings for your ex then it's too soon. I'm not in any way saying you should get back with your ex, but there's nothing wrong with waiting until those feelings fade before you make that kind of commitment to someone.

You' ve not recovered from the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex.
I would suggest counselling as you need help to work through those issues.
Marrying someone else to give your children a dad is not a good idea.

There is no hurry to commit to anything until you are sure that's what YOU really want to do. If he is the one for you, then he will understand your fears.

When you come from abuse, and finally get out, and then find a partner who is a good man, father, provider, and person without a long sorried past, that is a drastic change. Especially when the former fathered your five children. There is a long, complicated, lifelong relationship with him (still), because of the shared past.

What you feel toward him is not love. Love doesn't screw around, love doesn't expect their partner to live their lives around booze and other women. Love doesn't put you in the position of having your children witness a destructive relationship, and then live on into adulthood thinking that was 'normal', and repeat the cycle.

Your children have seen the actions of their father being drunk and physically abusive toward you. That is not love. If you can't see past your 'love' for your abusive drunk husband, try to see past your needs, and concentrate on what is best for your children.

You got out for all the right reasons as you know. To go back, is to go back to what has not changed. You have carved yourself a life with and for your children with a man who is kind and decent. Why is it so hard to accept that you are deserving of being loved in a healthy way, and loving in return?

You are wondering what the right thing to do is. It is NOT getting back with your ex husband. He has moved on thankfully, to live a life similar to the one you had with him. Don't contact him in any way, shape, or form- even to satisfy your curiosity. Leave him be, and keep him in your past where he belongs.

Do not go through with marriage if you are not ready right now. Give yourself more time to know it is the right move for you and your children.

It is not unusual to have difficulty working through a past marriage and onto a new one. Your experience with the first husband is likely the total opposite of what your life will be with the new one. Give yourself time, and consider counselling for yourself, to talk about why you still have feelings for your ex, even though he was alcoholic and abusive. You will be surprised at how NOT unusual this is. Please talk face to face with someone to help you see more clearly where you came from, and how to correct your thinking by working through these feelings of 'love' you feel toward your ex.

It will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. You may wish to consider speaking with a counsellor at an abused women's shelter as well, as they are very experienced in dealing with women just like you, who have returned to abusive relationships, over and over and over again. And we have a whole generation of screwed up children to prove it.

Please get yourself into counselling and gain the knowledge and guidance you need to make the right choices for yourself and your children. It may not be with the man you are with right now, but I guarantee you, it is not with the one you left.

"However, I still think I have feelings for my ex-husband."

That's the key.

You never let go. In order to be with someone else.

Tragic.

NEVER get into something until you heal from the last one.

Otherwise its just a recipe for another disaster.

Don't be needy.