How should I read these mixed signals from a girl who is a friend?
Hi,
I am getting mixed signals from a girl I'm friends with. We came from the same high school and are currently the only one's from our graduating class who have started at a particular university this year. We were good friends before, although not especially close (we only really saw each other at school). But since we only really knew each other at the start of the year, we have been spending a lot of time together hanging out.
We had a discussion about relationships a number of months ago. Although I like her, and find her good-looking, I had really only seen her as a friend up until that point, and had not made any advances on her. She brought up the conversation, as she noticed we'd been hanging out a lot more than before. Anyway, she said that she wasn't looking to be in a relationship, and wanted to stay just as friends. However, the conversation seemed strange, as I didn't feel like I was being put in the "friend zone"; I forget her exact words, but it seemed like she was avoiding saying something (and no, I don't think she was holding back to avoid hurting my feelings). Also, instead of letting me part ways after talking about that, she wanted to hang out for another hour or so, which I think is unusual for someone who brings up such a conversation.
Anyway, things got weird after that. We hung out a few times after that day, but she didn't want to meet as often as before. Then there was a period where she seemed to be limiting her contact with me - for example,she did things like block and unfriend me on Facebook without warning (I still don't know why she did that). Despite this, she would always answer my texts, and although they were less friendly than before. And whenever I asked if she wanted to do something, she always had an excuse. It didn't seem like she was just trying to get away from me though; as flimsy as some of her excuses were, a few times she would say things like "I'm not making this up", as if she didn't want me to just give up on her. (By the way, I am aware that she might have actually had things going on that can keep her life busy, but I do know that there were times she had nothing going on; she even did this during the fall reading week, when there weren't even any classes, and I knew she hadn't made plans).
Finally, I tried to ask her what was going on. I couldn't even convince her to meet in person, so we ended up talking by phone. This lead to a very tense discussion, with her saying things like she was busy, that she didn't think we had anything in common besides going to the same school, etc. Basically making up reasons for pushing me away on the spot, and getting really upset and defensive. I'd had enough, and didn't want to get into a huge argument, so I told her fine, that I wouldn't bother her any more. When I did that though, it was like she had turned 180 degrees; she still sounded upset, but she told me she still wanted me to talk to her, and didn't want to cut her out of my life. I managed to end the call after calming her down a bit.
In the days following the phone call, it was like she had changed completely, being even more friendly than back at the start of the year. I didn't push any more to find out what went on to cause the rift in our friendship (not wanting a repeat of before), but it seemed to have been mended, and then some. My friend invited me back onto Facebook, she seemed happy to get my texts again, and although it wasn't very often (exams had started by this point, and we both needed to study), she agreed to meet up a few times, and in a very good mood too. Plus, she started texting me again, putting in more emoticons than before, and adding extra letters to words (like "heeyyy", or "awweee"), which she had never done.
At one point after this change, when it felt things had stabilized for sure, I told her I had tickets to a concert for a band I knew she liked. She was really excited. But after a while, she changed her mind about going. Later on, she sent me a long message saying that she didn't want to go because she thought she doing so give the impression that she only wanted to spend time with me to take advantage of the tickets, and that she isn't that kind of person. I ended up giving the tickets to other friends - I had gotten them for free anyway, and the band wasn't really my favourite, so I didn't mind. However, from the complexity of the message, it was clear that she was very concerned about what I thought about her.
More recently, the day before I was set to leave to visit distant relatives during the Christmas break, and be gone for several weeks, she asked ME if I wanted to hang out; something she had not done for a very long time. We ended up spending pretty much half the day together, with her showing me around her neighbourhood, then hanging out at her house, places I'd never been before. I even met her family, and stayed long enough to have dinner there! When I finally went to leave, she insisted on walking me to the bus stop, even though I said I was fine. Before I got on, she asked me for a hug, which I was not expecting at all! (She had hugged me earlier in the day, but that was after I had given her a Starbucks card as a Christmas gift. Even then, it seemed out of place for her).
Finally, she sent me a series of texts checking to see if my trip had been safe and everything a couple of days later. She also seemed especially glad when I texted her on Christmas day, and we talked over Skype a few times.
So yeah, I'm sorry this has been so long, but I just want to know how to figure out some of my friend's behaviour. I'm not too much of an idiot to know that she obviously likes me, but is there any way to tell if it's as a friend or as something more? I mean, I don't want to just ask her (I know her well enough to know she would just say nothing has we discussed it at the start of the year), but between avoiding me earlier and then suddenly becoming friendly again, I don't know what she thinks of me, especially the hugs, which seemed out of place for her.
If anyone could help me interpret some of these mixed signals, I'd owe you a big one. I mean, if she's just coming on strong as a friend, or if she turns out to be interested in being closer than just friends, I'd like to figure it out (especially for the latter, so I can be prepared and figure out what my own feelings are for her). Plus it would be nice to know what her withdrawing from me earlier could have been (I'm pretty sure I was giving her space and everything... ). Yes, I'm aware I'll have to ask her to be certain, but I'd like to be a little more sure of what these signs could mean before I ask her to have another awkward talk.
Thanks for reading this ridiculously long and confusing post,
Bill