I'm really depressed and not succeeding in school.. help?
Hi everyone! I have never done one of these forums before but I hope I will get the help I desperately need. Let me first introduce myself. I am turning 19 this year and have graduated from high school just last year and plan to hopefully start college later this year. I have been dealing with depression for almost 2 years now and I also deal with anxiety (mostly social anxiety) for most of my life.
My senior year of high school was definitely one of the worst years of my life. I was struggling with depression and because of that, my grades were really bad and I barely passed all my classes. When I say "barely pass" I mean literal 50's on my report card. I was so worried (and I still am) that no college would accept me because of my ridiculously bad grades.
Before my depression, I was never a 50's student. I was more of an 80's student. I'm not sure exactly what caused my depression but my parents did separate 2 years ago so now I live with just my mom (I'm an only child). My mom has no job and we are only able to afford to rent a basement that charges us $600 a month. I would say, it could also be the environment I'm living in that could have psychologically triggered my depression. The place is always dark no matter how sunny it is outside, we don't have many of them but our windows are the size of a textbook, the air isn't always fresh, and there's probably mold growing everywhere. I know it's definitely not the best place to live but it's the only place we can afford.
Ever since we moved here, I realized that I've been sleeping a lot more than usual. I could sleep for 12 hours straight no kidding and still feel restless afterwards, and of course this had a huge impact on my school performance because everyday when I came home from school I had no energy to study or do homework and all I wanted to do was to stay in bed and sleep. I also felt like staying in bed was the most comfortable place cause I felt like it I could hide from the painful world and feel somewhat peaceful. At this time, I also could not stand human interaction and I hated going to places where I would "see a lot of people" and school was one of those places. This has caused me to skip classes because I couldn't stand the feeling of just being "out there". I'm a horrible student I know but I couldn't help it. I wish I wasn't like this. But all I wanted to do was stay in my cold dark room hiding under the covers. This has been what I spent most of my time doing and I have once gone 2 days without eating because I didn't want to leave my room.
Anyway, onto schoolwork, thinking about or doing schoolwork just gave me a ton of anxiety and I always had no energy to do any of it so my school performance lacked. I wasn't studying enough for tests and especially wasn't getting my assignments done on time to the point where my teachers always had to call home and say that I haven't finished this or that. I sound like I am just someone who doesn't care about their grades and that is not true at all. I am very scared of failing. I wanted to go to university, even though now I know that's not an option with my grades so I guess now I can only look for college. I want a good job. I want to be successful. I feel like as of now, I have no future. I have nothing to look forward to. I can't be successful. I can't even go to college because of my barely passing grades. Who is going to accept 50's? Not 51 but a 50. I won't be able to get a good job. I might as well just be stuck doing McDonald's everyday. I will never be successful.
You might be thinking, why can't I just get professional help? I live with my single mother where money is extremely tight as I mentioned, she won't get a job. Also, none of us drive and we don't have a car. I also have been to my school guidance councelor countless times where I talked to a school nurse but I feel like it was no help because every time I went, I had a massive anxiety attack because I hate talking about my feelings and how I feel because I am scared of negative judgement. This is why I feel a lot more comfortable online. Anyway, I need advice with what I can do with my life as of now. I need to apply for college within the next few days but I'm afraid I won't get in. Thanks for any advice I can get!