How do you deal with a 44 year-old daughter who verbally attacks her father (bad father, bad grandfather) and nothing we say seems to get through to her? Her mother (from a prior marriage) uses this daughter to air her grievances about her ex husband and the daughter seems to believe her. This has been going on for over 25 years. I am the second wife and have watched my husband (her father) age before my eyes every time she goes on the attack. He will soon be 75 and I feel he shouldn't have to put up with this for the rest of his life. What do we do?

You and your husband deserve to live in peace. The adult daughter can only abuse your husband if he lets her. Your husband should put his foot down and tell his daughter that she must be respectful or stay away. Then, when she goes on the attack, he can show her the door, or hang up the phone.

You need to draw some clear boundaries here, that leave no room for discussion.

If your husband is unable to stand up to her, then if it were me, I would, and not think twice about it.

It might be safer to send her an email, and tell her that you are communicating this way so there are no questions, and everything is clear.

Tell her you will no longer allow her in the house until she can assure YOU that she will not verbally attack her 75 year old father. Tell her she will have to call first, and set a time to come over, and visits will not last longer than an hour.

If she can control herself, you will increase the time she is allowed to see him.

If she verbally attacks in your presence, and your husband is getting physically uncomfortable and stressed out, you will call the police and have her removed from the home. He is 75!! What's with this daughter.

You are changing behaviour that has gone on for 25 years as you said, and it should have been put to rest two decades ago plus some.

Keep whatever correspondence you send to her in a hard copy in a safe place. Expect her to balk at no longer being able to abuse him (elder abuse is what this is). Record in a notebook all calls, threats, angry exchanges, etc.

As he gets older and she doesn't change, she may very well be setting him up for an early departure. At the very least she is abusive, and ruining his quality of life, and enjoyment of same.

Please step up and do the right thing here.