My ex and I were never married but we had a son together. Our son is now 16 months old. He has always been iny custody, his father and I have not been together since he was conceived. His father visits him at my home and pays a little money each month to help out. His father would like to have custody of him at his own home but this makes me very uncomfortable for a couple reasons. My biggest problem is that he grows a LARGE amount of pot at his home (legally in California) and it makes me very uneasy knowing that it's there and even if it's behind lock and key anything can happen. I also know it is not recognised by the federal government and if they ever decided to come down on local growers and I willingly sent my child over there and something happened that would be devastating. My second problem is that he is still very young and his father has not had him over night, or cared for him for longer then a couple hours, he really has been the equivalent of a baby sitter and that was his own choice. There is much much more to our complicated situation but I would be here all day! My biggest question is if I was to go to court a get it in writing that I have full physical custody will any of those things even matter?

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Originally Posted by MoMMyMoM

My ex and I were never married but we had a son together. Our son is now 16 months old. He has always been iny custody, his father and I have not been together since he was conceived. His father visits him at my home and pays a little money each month to help out. His father would like to have custody of him at his own home but this makes me very uncomfortable for a couple reasons. My biggest problem is that he grows a LARGE amount of pot at his home (legally in California) and it makes me very uneasy knowing that it's there and even if it's behind lock and key anything can happen. I also know it is not recognised by the federal government and if they ever decided to come down on local growers and I willingly sent my child over there and something happened that would be devastating. My second problem is that he is still very young and his father has not had him over night, or cared for him for longer then a couple hours, he really has been the equivalent of a baby sitter and that was his own choice. There is much much more to our complicated situation but i would be here all day! My biggest question is if I was to go to court a get it in writing that I have full physical custody will any of those things even matter?

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Unless you are a danger to the children I don't see a change in physical custody to his father. You are being foolish if you don't go to Court and get a custody/visitation order and support.

This situation could blow up - what if the father takes the baby for an hour or two and doesn't bring him back? You have no custody order -

Was the father engaged in illegal activities when your child was conceived?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Unless you are a danger to the children I don't see a change in physical custody to his father. You are being foolish if you don't go to Court and get a custody/visitation order and support.

This situation could blow up - what if the father takes the baby for an hour or two and doesn't bring him back? You have no custody order -

Was the father engaged in illegal activites when your child was conceived?

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That's exactly why I am seeking help! I know this situation can get out of control real fast. I think my sons father doesn't push it right now because of what he dose at his house but I know not having more custody of our son frustrates him. As for illegal activity, sure. I know for a fact he still is but I don't know how I would prove it in court. Plus I don't have the money to get a lawyer to fight this in court. My worst fear is I start something now and because I did he ends up with custody at his home after all and I just screwed myself! I know it has to be done, I just need as much information as possible before I make a move.

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Originally Posted by MoMMyMoM

That's exactly why I am seeking help! I know this situation can get out of control real fast. I think my sons father doesn't push it right now because of what he dose at his house but I know not having more custody of our son frustrates him. As for illegal activity, sure. I know for a fact he still is but I don't know how I would prove it in court. Plus I don't have the money to get a lawyer to fight this in court. My worst fear is I start something now and because I did he ends up with custody at his home after all and I just screwed myself! I know it has to be done, I just need as much information as possible before I make a move.

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You need to go to Family Court in your area and ask how to file for custody. Again, the father takes the child and doesn't return him you have no grounds to get the child back, and it will be a lengthy process while your son is away from you, with his father.

You don't need an Attorney. While you're there, file for support.

Unless you are a danger to the child yourself I don't see you losing custody. The Courts are starting to look at behavior which the mother (or father) condoned and now feels is dangerous or criminal. You knew, you had sex with him, no surprise that he's engaged in criminal activity.

No one can tell you how a Court will decide - we can only recommend and suggest.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You need to go to Family Court in your area and ask how to file for custody. Again, the father takes the child and doesn't return him you have no grounds to get the child back, and it will be a lengthy process while your son is away from you, with his father.

You don't need an Attorney. While you're there, file for support.

Unless you are a danger to the child yourself I don't see you losing custody. The Courts are starting to look at behavior which the mother (or father) condoned and now feels is dangerous or criminal. You knew, you had sex with him, no surprise that he's engaged in criminal activity.

No one can tell you how a Court will decide - we can only recommend and suggest.

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You are very right on on many levels. I did know about his activity, in fact I was a part of that same activity myself... but when I got pregnant I made a choice to separate myself from that life style for the sake of my son. I was with my sons father for 3 years, we never used condoms, I had been told by my Dr's that I would never be able to have children due to a medical condition. My son was a blessing, and something I am thankful for every day. So it was not just a whoopsie we didn't wrap it up! My ex pays a couple hundred a month in support now but it is undocumented just like everything else in his life. I'm sure he would like to keep things this way. Its all making me very uneasy the older my son gets.

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Originally Posted by MoMMyMoM

You are very right on on many levels. I did know about his activity, in fact I was a part of that same activity myself...but when I got pregnant I made a choice to separate myself from that life style for the sake of my son. I was with my sons father for 3 years, we never used condoms, I had been told by my Dr's that I would never be able to have children due to a medical condition. My son was a blessing, and something I am thankful for every day. So it was not just a whoopsie we didn't wrap it up! My ex pays a couple hundred a month in support now but it is undocumented just like everything else in his life. I'm sure he would like to keep things this way. Its all making me very uneasy the older my son gets.

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I'm not criticizing you - I'm just telling you what the Court's reaction could be. What you did "then" is not going to cost you custody. I'm just recommending that you not base everything on something in which you participated.

My concern would be not returning your son after a visit.

You are the only one who can weigh the pros and cons and decide how to proceed.

I see no reason that he can not get at least partial custody.

The bad thing is now there is no court orders. You need to get into court and get a custody order in place