My husband and I have temp. custody of his 3 y/o son that he had from a relationship, (they were never married), pending the return of the mother in November from Afghanistan. The mother has gone overseas doing contract work for the government, but not in the military. She had a good job before that she left and will come home to not having a job. She signed up for only one year, apparently the money was too good, because now, almost 2 years later; she will be coming home this November. The mother has made little contact with the child, no calls or gifts. During her tour, the mother has come back to the states for visits and has gotten the child after being home a couple of days. Normally, she would send her 'girl friend' to pick up the baby. When she was notified of us filling for custody, she came back to the states for the hearing of the temp custody, and surprisingly, she didn't fight it. However she does plan to fight us getting full custody. Since we have had the baby since he was 19 months old and he is now 3 1/2, do we have to prove her unfit to get full custody? We love this child so much and feel that we have the most stable environment for him. My husband and I are both employed. The child is enrolled in daycare that he loves and has been there since we got him in 2006. After having him in our home for so long, we would just be crushed if he left.

You can apply for full custody and then at the hearing the Judge will decide what he feels is best. Since you have had the kid this long he very well could give joint custody with your husband as the primary custody.

I agree with nohelp that because you have had him for so long the judge may award your husband with primary custody. However, I don't think he will get "full" custody. From what you have said so far it isn't likely that you will be able to prove the mother unfit. Does your husband have a lawyer? If not that would be a great asset in the court room so he may want to start shopping around for one.

Thanks for the quick response. Yes, we have an attorney. The mother likes to have parties and drink around the child. She has been known to go to friends homes with the child and get naked in the hot tub while the child is sleeping in a strange environment. Since the baby was born, we have gotten him every other weekend up until the mother left to go overseas. Also since the baby was born while she had him, the 'girlfriend' took care of him, not the mother. The girlfriend took him to doctors appointment and to the park and got up at nights for feedings, not the mother. While the mother has been gone, the girlfriend has become friends with me and telling me their 'dirty laundry' and personal issues with their relationship, so that is how I knowledge of this. They had a fight once and the girlfriend came to our home and told me to fight for custody, that the child was better off with my husband and I, not the mother. Now that we have filled for custody, the girlfriend will no longer talk to me because she says that we are trying to break up their family. The mother has made daily contact with her girlfriend and sent her gifts since she has been gone, but has in two years only called once to talk to the child and sent no gifts, cards, clothes. She does however pay child support. But nowhere near what she should, only enough to pay day care. We had the child call the mother on Mother's day. We just want the child in a loving, safe and stable environment and feel that it would be with his father and me.

Do you have an attorney involved in the custody issue? Would be an excellent idea to obtain one before any hearings. Be sure to emphasize that the mother is treating the child with less respect than a mother should. She sounds like the kid is a "child of convenience" to be farmed out to anyone so she is free to live her life without him in the way. Don't let her keep treating the child like that. The judge will be smart enough to see through any artifice she may try and throw into any proceedings since she has virtually nil contact with him.

If she pays child support and you feel she should be paying more, bring that issue up with the attorney also and have the child support monies adjusted accordingly.

This may have already been said but the Judge will of course take into consideration what is best for the child. Rarely will they take a child out of a home that they are established and comfortable in. She will most likely get visitation and remain the non-custodial parent. Secondly, she's not necessarily unfit for taking a job outside of the country. Most people consider what they are doing as a way of "helping out" both themselves, their children benefit rgeatly from the additional income that is compensated. Men do it, this time it happens to be the mother. Sending someone else over to pick him up might be easier for her emotionally. I'm not saying it's right, but it's not exactly the end all. Good Luck.

I think it unlikely that you will get "full" custody. What you will probably get is joint legal custody with primary physical custody and she will get visitation rights.

I don't think you should fight too hard for anything else because it may backfire.

We have no problem with the mother getting visitation. We feel that the child needs the mother in her life. I understand the mothers reason for going overseas for a year, but to extend for an additional year and being away from her beautiful gift (the child) for two years, that is what I find hard to swallow.

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Originally Posted by michellefnk

We have no problem with the mother getting visitation. We feel that the child needs the mother in her life. I understand the mothers reason for going overseas for a year, but to extend for an additional year and being away from her beautiful gift (the child) for two years, that is what I find hard to swallow.

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People have all types of reasons and it's our job not to judge. Please be careful and proceed with caution. She very well may get the child back and given the opportunity to re-establish the parent/child relationship bond, that every child should have with their mother and you could end up with visitation. Careful

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Originally Posted by michellefnk

Thanks for the quick response. Yes, we have an attorney. The mother likes to have parties and drink around the child. She has been known to go to friends homes with the child and get naked in the hot tub while the child is sleeping in a strange environment. Since the baby was born, we have gotten him every other weekend up until the mother left to go overseas. Also since the baby was born while she had him, the 'girlfriend' took care of him, not the mother. The girlfriend took him to doctors appointment and to the park and got up at nights for feedings, not the mother. While the mother has been gone, the girlfriend has become friends with me and telling me their 'dirty laundry' and personal issues with their relationship, so that is how I knowledge of this. They had a fight once and the girlfriend came to our home and told me to fight for custody, that the child was better off with my husband and I, not the mother. Now that we have filled for custody, the girlfriend will no longer talk to me because she says that we are trying to break up their family. The mother has made daily contact with her girlfriend and sent her gifts since she has been gone, but has in two years only called once to talk to the child and sent no gifts, cards, clothes. She does however pay child support. But nowhere near what she should, only enough to pay day care. We had the child call the mother on Mother's day. We just want the child in a loving, safe and stable environment and feel that it would be with his father and me.

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In order to lose custody the mother would have to be a danger to the child (or abandon the child, which she did not do legally because the child is with her father) and I don't know if that is the case - and you would have to prove it. Her lifestyle certainly doesn't appear to benefit a child but legally, well, I don't think it makes her unfit. The gifts, cards, clothes do not matter; obviously the fact that she does pay child support does.

If the support is insufficient, then your husband should take her to Court to get the issue of custody resolved as well as the amount of support.

I don't know what State you are in but in many States the Court will appoint an Attorney to act as legal guardian for the child and that guardian will have a great deal of input in the final Court outcome.

I would hire a good Family Law Attorney, someone you can work with, ask advice, decide if you want to take the first step which would be ask for more support - mother will probably counter with a change of custody and then the Court will decide. Or you could wait it out and see what she does first.

Do you think she actually wants the child to live with her? Sounds like maybe she doesn't - ?

(This must be a heartache for you, a real nightmare)

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

In order to lose custody the mother would have to be a danger to the child (or abandon the child, which she did not do legally because the child is with her father) and I don't know if that is the case - and you would have to prove it. Her lifestyle certainly doesn't appear to benefit a child but legally, well, I don't think it makes her unfit. The gifts, cards, clothes do not matter; obviously the fact that she does pay child support does.

If the support is insufficient, then your husband should take her to Court to get the issue of custody resolved as well as the amount of support.

I don't know what State you are in but in many States the Court will appoint an Attorney to act as legal guardian for the child and that guardian will have a great deal of input in the final Court outcome.

I would hire a good Family Law Attorney, someone you can work with, ask advice, decide if you want to take the first step which would be ask for more support - mother will probably counter with a change of custody and then the Court will decide. Or you could wait it out and see what she does first.

Do you think she actually wants the child to live with her? Sounds like maybe she doesn't - ?

(This must be a heartache for you, a real nightmare)

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Before my husband filed for custody, no one per say had custody. The child lives with us and has for two years now. ( he lived with his mother from birth until he was 19 months old) My husband has been awarded Temporary Custody by the Judge.

So are you saying that you think that the Judge will award the Custody back to the mother when they have court upon her return? And yes, as I have stated, it would be very heart breaking to lose him. It makes my day, just to see his smiling face every morning.

Without a custody order, the mother is generally considered to be the primary custodial parent. So even though there was no formal assignment, it would have been with her.

There is no predicting what a judge will do The judge is supposed to keep the best interests of the child as paramount.