Difficulty Relating/Bonding
Hi everyone
My problem is I have difficulty relating to and bonding with other people.
It's a long story but I think the background is relevant so here goes...
I was a shy and quiet child, but somehow always had friends, some of them very close, despite the fact that we moved a lot (not good for someone who takes a while to open up to people).
When we made our final move however, it didn't go well. There was a bit of a culture clash and I was in that sensitive teenage phase (well, I was 11 but I hit puberty early), and I was bullied, and didn't make any friends for a year (and even then at their initiation).
In my mid teens what I had originally written off as teenage angst turned into clinical depression, with every thing that comes along with it - anxiety attacks, paranoia, a feeling of emptiness and pointlessness etc - which, combined with the side effects of the anti-depressants, reduced me to a bit of a mess. I lost any desire to socialise, became angry, moody, self conscious and convinced everyone hated/pitied me, which caused me to lose a lot of friends and draw into myself.
After graduation I came off the antidepressants, and since then (almost 6 years, I'm nearly 24), I have had difficulty socially.
I have gotten better in a lot of ways, I started exercising (natural antidepressant), cut out alcohol (natural depressant), and started making changes to my behaviour and attitudes. I managed to get through university (eventually, I took a year out after graduation to get the pills out of my system and kind of regroup), did a night school course, volunteered and started work. I haven't had a panic attack in years, I have a really good relationship with my family and I am capable of feeling great happiness with my family or when pursuing my own interests alone.
However, socially, I'm a mess. I have 1 1/2 friends (2 friends, but when of them I don't have much in common with anymore, hence the 1/2), and they're from the days prior to my depression. I haven't made a single friend since I was 14. I'm better than I used to be, I'm not so shy and I can talk to people, but with a bit of an effort, but I never connect or have anything other than a superficial relationship. We can make small talk or even have an interesting conversation, but I never feel any particular desire to see them socially, nor they I.
I still live at home, so I don't feel lonely, because, as I said, I have a great relationship with my family, but in a year or so I'll have to move out, and I'm worried I'll feel very lonely and isolated. I'm also concerned that it limits my possibilities in the future. There's one city I would love to move to, but it's thousands of miles away and I can't move that far away from my family, especially when I'm incapable of making friends, I think I'd have another breakdown.
I feel like I'm happy by myself and in my own world, but in the real world I can only function, not thrive. I feel like since the depression I've been left emotionally deformed and stunted, and can never interact with the world normally again. Whenever I think about it I feel panicky and hopeless, and I know that soon the day will come when I will be thrust into the real world and will just fall apart.
Has anyone had similar experiences, or words of advice?
Thank you.