Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend can't deal with his mams death

HI

I really want to help my boyfriend to deal with his mothers death,she past away on the 9 of December 08 so its only being a couple of months and he was ever so close to her she was very sick for a long time so he help nursed her...

I think he blames himself in a way for her death once I heard him saying to his sister that if his mother didn't have him she would still be alive,she died of kidney failure in the end you see when she got pregnant on him she got a drug called the anti d injection and this caused bad blood cells to enter her body so she was on dialiyis for years and eventually died from this... a couple of weeks after she past he got back into his same old routine going out with friends going back to work ect: but then I noticed when he does go out he drinks a lot and I mean a lot and twice he has kissed other girls! I'm in a delama because I don't want to turn my back on him and also I know this isn't like him he doesn't remember what he is doing and also he say he loves me and can never picture me in his life.. I really don't think he is coping he wnt talk about his mam to me or any of his family..

Can someone please help me in what to do? Because I really don't know?

It is hard. My best frieds dad died of a gun shot to the head over the summer and I know that it was really hard.

You can't force yourself on him. But constant reminders that you are there might keep him thinking that he can talk to you. Also remind him why your in his life. Be extra sweet go out of your way to do things for him. This is a process he has to go through and he might need to go through it alone.

Your boyfriend probably needs some grief counseling.

That said, you can not excuse poor behavior from a partner. In this short time of tragedy he has kissed two other girls? Sounds to me that he is depressed and unconcerned with his life at this time. If he can not commit to stopping the drink because he can't control his behaviors and it is threatening his relationship then you have to be willing to let him go.

This is something you can support if he is willing and able to try to handle these emotions. If he is in denial and not willing to face his life then you will not be of any assistance to him.

Have you recommended counseling? How is the rest of his family involved?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jancie0000000

HI

I really want to help my boyfriend to deal with his mothers death,she past away onthe 9 of december 08 so its only being a couple of months and he was ever so close to her she was very sick for a long time so he help nursed her...

i think he blames himself in a way for her death once i heard him saying to his sister that if his mother didnt have him she would still be alive,she died of kidney failure in the end you see when she got pregant on him she got a drug called the anti d injection and this caused bad blood cells to enter her body so she was on dialiyis for years and eventually died from this...a couple of wks after she past he jst got back into his same old routine goin out with friends goin back to work ect: but then i noticed when he does go out he drinks alot and i mean alot and twice he has kissed other girls!! im in a delama because i dnt want to turn my back on him and also i know this isnt like him he dosnt remember wat he is doin and also he say he loves me and can never picture me in his life.. i really dnt think he is coping he wnt talk about his mam to me or any of his family..

can someone please help me in wat to do?? because i really dnt know??

I am presuming that he wasn't drinking prior to the death of his mother, and that this is unusual behaviour for him, and started right after the death.

If that is true, then you are a smart cookie to realize that the death of a loved one can trigger behaviour in people that is very out of character. It can sometimes bring out the worst in people, and those on the sidelines are totally baffled and confused.

By realizing that this is probably his way of dealing with grief right now, there are things you can do.

Both sly and justwantfair both, have good advice for you. He does probably need grief counselling, and help getting through this, particularly because he feels responsible for the death.

For yourself, I would start right at the funeral home. They can direct you and advise you on where to get help. They have resources available that I was really surprised they had, and for me, they were extremely helpful and kind.

He may not be ready yet, but if you have done the legwork, when he is ready, you'll have what you need to help him.

As I told you in your thread he needs help and something it takes a person to hit rock bottom for them to realize it themselve, regarding what anybody else say.

You said it your other post that he didn't start drinking until after his mother death, or something to that effect.

If he feels this way and he expressing these thought to his sister, than maybe, just maybe, his close friends and family should have an intervention with him. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but it is worth a try. His drinking won't solve anything and if he continues down this road it only leads to depression, which it seems like he is already has.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I am presuming that he wasn't drinking prior to the death of his mother, and that this is unusual behaviour for him, and started right after the death.

If that is true, then you are a smart cookie to realize that the death of a loved one can trigger behaviour in people that is very out of character. It can sometimes bring out the worst in people, and those on the sidelines are totally baffled and confused.

By realizing that this is probably his way of dealing with grief right now, there are things you can do.

Both sly and justwantfair both, have good advice for you. He does probably need grief counselling, and help getting through this, particularly because he feels responsible for the death.

For yourself, I would start right at the funeral home. They can direct you and advise you on where to get help. They have resources available that I was really surprised they had, and for me, they were extremely helpful and kind.

He may not be ready yet, but if you have done the legwork, when he is ready, you'll have what you need to help him.

Thank you for your comment,u gave me some really good advice