Hi,

I am a 30 yr old adult who feels like a child. My parents are European and Catholic and I still live at home. That itself should explain it all. My life has been kind of a roller coaster. I have been engaged twice but couldn't go through with it. I am now the happiest I have ever been with one problem, I want to move out on my own, I mention it to my parents some time without actually telling them and they always say, "well why do you have to move out, that's not the appropriate thing to do, the day you get married is the day you move out." I think they are afraid that if I move out on my own I will never get married and not getting married and having children is the worst mistake that can ever be made, "it's not normal". What is normal anyway. I know I will be married one day but when the day is right and right now it's not but I can not live with my parents anymore. I have to get out there and learn responsibility, learn how to depend on myself and not others. How do I make them understand. Understand that this will be good for me and that I will appreciate them more because now we get in faces too much that there are days that we can't stand one another. I believe that by me moving out, we will respect more and appreciate more. Don't get me wrong I have always been able to do whatever I wanted except for this. Why do I worry so much, and why is it so hard to tell my parents. I don't want them to hate me. Please help, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

Adultfeelslikechild

I, personally, feel that at age 30 you should be living on your own. However, that is how my family works.

Many potential spouses may have passed you by because they may have felt that you were too firmly tied to apron strings.

You are an adult and don't need your parents permission. Now the question is, are you willing to incur their unhappiness and disapproval?

Thanks for the advise, I guess they can't hate me forever

No, they won't hate you forever, you are their child.

I have to agree with EM in that I would not have married my husband had he been living at home when we met. Heck, I probably would not have even dated him.

I'm not sure how applicable this is to your situation, but I know that I treat hints about something differently from outright statements about it. When somebody hints to me about something they want, it tells me there's something undecided about it in their mind, and I don't give in on it. When they say directly that it's what they want, then I understand that they've made the decision, and work with them on it. The reason for this is that I don't want somebody looking for my decision on something that they need to decide. If they're not sure, I don't want to tell them to go ahead, simply because then I'm making the decision for them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they may not really be against you moving out, they may be against you moving out before you're sure that it's what you want or need to do. Simply tell them of your decision... don't justify it, and don't back down. Respond to their concerns reasonably and completely, and it'll probably go better than you expect.

This isn't guaranteed, of course, but it's based on the way I handle things, personally and professionally.

Who's life are you living yours or your parents?
Your parents won't ever hate you no matter what happens, and if they do hate you for living your own life then they really aren't very nice parents to have and I feel sad for you.

Seriously move out do your own thing
And you know what, if you don't get married or have kids so?
The world won't stop spinning
As for normal, its commonly called what is socially accepted by the majority of people in your locality, personally I think there's no possible way to define the word 'normal' and we should live our lives as we damn well see fit regardless of religion race government family or anyone else that wants to control/influence/rent/sale our minds..

On top of this I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have the happiness you deserve (which you do deserve by the way! ) as soon as possible!!

Thank you everyone for your help, advise, input, it has been greatly appreciated. I am already starting to feel positive.

It might not be easy. There might be lots of guilt trips. Lots of playing games. Lots of trying to make you feel bad about moving on, but you're an adult.

If they do not understand that, it is not your problem but there's. Each family reacts differently but just going by the experience that I had with my wife's family was unbelievable. There had to be some ties completely cut and still are, but that is part of growing up. You can not let your parents control you your whole life.

I hope that you know, no matter how they react you need to do what is good for you. Another thing that I agree with completely is that how many husbands to be did you miss, that went past you because your still at home?

Catholic and European, oh well. This is an ever changing world and it is your life that you need to live with. Not theirs.

Joe

Just to clarify, the reason why I called off my wedding is because things turned for the worst not because of my living status. :)

Why did it turn for the worst,because of problems caused by the family. Interference? Not saying this happened, but My wife's family tried everything to break us up once they new we were moving in with each other and getting married.

They did not want to lose control of her and she never stood up for herself and her family made her feel like a piece of dirt on the floor, but now it is different.

Like I said though every situation is different.

Try to understand what their fears would be about you moving out . How could you help them overcome these fears? Anticipating these answers could be a basis for your announcement that you are going to move out. Perhaps you should find a place to live in the same neighborhood as a compromise though and already have it lined up before you give them your well planned announcement. Tell them you love them, don't want to upset them but desperately need some independence!

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Originally Posted by Regno

Try to understand what their fears would be about you moving out . How could you help them overcome these fears? Anticipating these answers could be a basis for your announcement that you are going to move out. Perhaps you should find a place to live in the same neighborhood as a compromise though and already have it lined up before you give them your well planned announcement. Tell them you love them, don't want to upset them but desperately need some independence!

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No need to reduce the fears or compromise. 30 year old needs to do what feels right for the individual. Not for the parents. There is a control issue here.

No, my first relationship was abusive, and my second had a split personality acted one way with me and talked bad about me when not around me. I have strong belief in marriage and its better to end it before than later. My parents have always been great with me in that sense. Like I said, I have always been able to do anything I wanted to but the fear of me leaving them is very hard on them.

I know you keep talking about their personal fear and how hard you think it is on them, but that is their problem not yours. Sorry to sound blunt.

I also feel that it goes both ways, maybe you have a fear of leaving your parents. Your holding onto the thought that your concerned about them and this is preventing you from moving which makes it easier for you just to stay home?

You can tell me if I am wrong here.

One of the reasons I want to move out is because I work too far from where their home is. They live in the country and I work and love the city!

J76 your right I see where your coming from

Mm normal is what you make it :)
Absolutely!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adultfeelslikechild

Hi,

I am a 30 yr old adult who feels like a child. My parents are European and Catholic and I still live at home. That itself should explain it all. My life has been kind of a roller coaster. I have been engaged twice but couldn't go through with it. I am now the happiest I have ever been with one problem, I want to move out on my own, I mention it to my parents some time without actually telling them and they always say, "well why do you have to move out, that's not the appropriate thing to do, the day you get married is the day you move out." I think they are afraid that if I move out on my own I will never get married and not getting married and having children is the worst mistake that can ever be made, "it's not normal". What is normal anyway. I know I will be married one day but when the day is right and right now it's not but I can not live with my parents anymore. I have to get out there and learn responsibility, learn how to depend on myself and not others. How do I make them understand. Understand that this will be good for me and that I will appreciate them more b/c now we get in faces to much that there are days that we can't stand one another. I believe that by me moving out, we will respect more and appreciate more. Don't get me wrong I have always been able to do whatever I wanted except for this. Why do I worry so much, and why is it so hard to tell my parents. I don't want them to hate me. Please help, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

Adultfeelslikechild

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Adult Feels Like Child... so adult allows to be treated like child.

It's your life...
You are the one who decides where you live.
You are 30.

What are you waiting for ?
Permission of your parents ?

Nothing is harder for parents than to let their children go.
It's understandable.
But you are 30... what are you waiting for ?

Do you have a job ?
Are you able to support yourself ?
Find yourself a place and do what makes you happy...

Once your parents see how happy you are, how happy you will be to have them over for dinner at your own place.. well that should make them happy... you are their child, they want the best for you...

If not... if they are being extremely clingy... well, then they have to deal with it.
Sounds harsh, but it's like that.

Good luck

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adultfeelslikechild

Hi,

I am a 30 yr old adult who feels like a child. My parents are European and Catholic and I still live at home. That itself should explain it all. My life has been kind of a roller coaster. I have been engaged twice but couldn't go through with it. I am now the happiest I have ever been with one problem, I want to move out on my own, I mention it to my parents some time without actually telling them and they always say, "well why do you have to move out, that's not the appropriate thing to do, the day you get married is the day you move out." I think they are afraid that if I move out on my own I will never get married and not getting married and having children is the worst mistake that can ever be made, "it's not normal". What is normal anyway. I know I will be married one day but when the day is right and right now it's not but I can not live with my parents anymore. I have to get out there and learn responsibility, learn how to depend on myself and not others. How do I make them understand. Understand that this will be good for me and that I will appreciate them more b/c now we get in faces to much that there are days that we can't stand one another. I believe that by me moving out, we will respect more and appreciate more. Don't get me wrong I have always been able to do whatever I wanted except for this. Why do I worry so much, and why is it so hard to tell my parents. I don't want them to hate me. Please help, I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

Adultfeelslikechild

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It's a mind game your folks are playing along with tradition. You are in the U.S. and this isn't the old country. It's all about you.. Be happy.

My parents were the same way. They treated me like I was 10 years old. I finally got the courage to just move out when I was around 24. You need to just start looking for a place you are happy with and then announce that you found a place you really like and are moving on 'this date'. As long as you hint at it and make it like an option you are thinking of instead of being assertive and doing it they will continue to treat it like 'their input on the matter is' and you will keep feeling tied to their apron strings.

They should end up adjusting and being okay with it. You are 30 it is about time you start thinking about what kind of life you want for yourself instead of staying to satisfy your parents expectations of 'their little girl'.
Trust me it is really a good feeling to be able to buy furniture and set up a place according to your style and be able to decide you want to cook what you are hungry for for dinner instead of always having to rely on what is mom cooking for dinner and I hate that coffee table. Little things---but the feeling of you being in charge of how you want things in your space is such a feeling of freedom and self expression. I know I never feel comfortable in 'another woman's kitchen'.