Is girlfriend losing interest?
Greetings,
My question has been asked many times previously I can see.
Some stats: I'm 29 y/o Male. 10 year relationship under my belt. No kids. 3 Years off and on single after my 10 year ended. Many female acquaintance's and no relationships over 6 weeks in that time. Could never make it over the hump. Never felt emotional with anyone of them and didn't want to give any of them false hope.
Her: 27. No kids. About 7-10 relationships in 10 years. One off and on for 10 years as he came in and out of the picture (the high school sweetheart). Others average 3-6 months. Never loved any of them or seen a future beyond friends. Never burnt bridges with any of them and was/is still friends with most. Great persona, great motherly traits, more sarcastic and blunt then me...
I've been with her for roughly 3 months. Initially things were great, care free. Easiest relationship I've ever been in (I'm 29). We hardly had to try, it was just plain easy. The intimacy was never ending, mainly initiated by her about 90% of the time. There was no time between her previous 2-3 month relationship and ours, they overlapped as she let him down easy. It was on it's last leg before I came onto the scene. She stays at my house Thurs-Mon morning this whole while.
Fast forward a month or two. I start feeling for this woman on an emotional level (not typical for me these past 3 years). When those feelings started to develop I started caring about her past, and past relations, slight jealousy. Questioned to myself and eventually her as to why she wasn't married with children after a good half dozen relationships of 2-3 months or more under her belt. I began to flake on her, got angry, didn't care as much, didn't know how to handle anything like this or anything beyond 6 weeks. Questioned to myself whether I was on the same path with the same possible outcome with her as her ex's.
She pleaded for another chance, cried etc. I gave the chance and things got back to normal. Shortly thereafter she go's on a mini Thanksgiving vacation without me to Florida to stay with a male College friend and meet a 2nd one while down there. She didn't want to leave me. This was planned the first few weeks of us being together. A month of further progression in our relationship passed before she left. She has "many" male friends and has done this countless times to various states. I brought her to the airport and thought nothing of it. While she was gone my cell was lost. I didn't speak or communicate with her for 2-3 days. She pleaded on Facebook to call her, misses me etc. I finally did and at that point was mad because I realized I had let her go down there in full trust, foolishly considering the situation from an outsiders perspective. Our previous argument overshadowed the fact she was going down there and hadn't been mentioned prior to her leaving. It festered as she was gone. As it was our first weekend without each other in almost 2 months.
She previously told me she never had a relationship with either of these 2 guys she was going to be hanging out with while on vacation but I sensed something else. One of which was single and was the one she was staying with. Both of which she's been friends with for a decade and went to college with.
I finally spoke to her on the phone, she told me she missed me, wanted to get an early flight back because she missed me. I told her not to spend extra money to come back early countless times, she snapped at me in the presence of one of her guy friends because I had asked her the same question repeated times. I hung up and proceeded to text her how much of a bad idea it was and poor judgment on her part to go down there and how it was rude of her to snap in front of someone who I don't know nor does he know me. I didn't know these guys and didn't think we had earned enough trust with each other to simply make such plans so early on without me. I got mad and told her I think I'm done, couldn't handle someone with such a lack of common sense and consideration for her boyfriend.
For the next 2 days she pleaded in texts, laid herself out. Begged for another chance. Told me I had nothing to worry about and please trust her. That I was right about it being poor judgement. How she's fallen for me. Doesn't want anyone else and that she loves me.
I stood firm, picked her up from the airport intending to bring her home rather then 50 miles south to my house. She begged, cried, pleaded for another chance. I relented AGAIN. We have a looooong talk about her past, she tells me most everything. Even things that would dissuade me from having further interest just to earn trust with me. Things I'd never ask of her. She confesses she's never felt for someone this way before and has never felt or told anyone other than her first love that she loved him until me. (I know this is feasible, I haven't either) Her confessions were spot on accurate, even things she doesn't know I knew..
We stay at my house, she has stomach pains, weeping non stop even though were reconciled. We sleep it off. I wake the next day to her not being in the bed. I find her cleaning my house, still weeping. She didn't sleep a wink. She then tells me she changed her number and erased her Myspace and Facebook and messaged her 10 year off and on first love in Facebook to never contact her again. That she doesn't want anything to jeopardize our relationship etc and never attempt to contact her again. Never calls her friends in Florida to say she arrived safely.
Things get back on track, not much was lost and no visible resentment on her part.
Fast forward 2 weeks. Things are great, she tells me how much she loves me etc etc. Spend every moment with each other. Her and I contemplate her moving in with me. She agree's and has no hesitation. Admits she's never lived with a boyfriend before never mind this early. We spend 4 days a week sleeping at each other's places as is.
Something doesn't sit well with me about the vacation trip. She leaves for work one morning and I feel odd, instincts in overdrive. I attempt to fish something out of her. I pretend I found something out and act irritated. I inquire about her male friends names she stayed with. She acts curious but tells me their names after a short pause via text. After she tells me, I respond saying something like "Funny, once upon a time I told you I always find out the truth. No matter what, once again I was lied to". Proceeded to erase photo's from Facebook etc based on her odd behavior. The way it unfolded was just odd. I acted on unfounded evidence. Mean but I had to.. The last time I had feelings like this was over my cheating 10 year ex, which proved to be right.
I get no response by her nor do I respond to her. She then tells me she noticed I erased our photo's etc. Asks whether I'm ever going to talk to her again over two days. I don't reply for 2 days. I finally speak to her 2 days later. Her mood is somber, not crying. Acts tired, worn out. Lack of energy to try anymore. I simply ask her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She says no. I ask her once more, did you ever have a relationship with either male friend she went to visit. She pauses. I rephrase the question and ask if she was ever intimate. She confesses. Tells me she had a short fling and slept with one of them while in college 5-6 times 2002-2003 (not the one she stayed with on vacation). The other one she had a crush on in college. Did nothing more then make out with him once 8 years ago. Never slept with him. No reunions since, no relationships wanted. Strictly friends ever since.
She was fully forthcoming. Didn't quit on me or want to bail rather than be grilled, again..
I don't get mad. I actually gain trust for her even more. She admits she wanted to tell me. Didn't initially because there was nothing there, never was and that it's been almost a decade and they're her friends. Also says, that we weren't very serious when she made the plans in the first few weeks. She didn't tell me during our fight because she was petrified of my reaction, didn't want it all to end there and then and know it would've based on everything.
At this point she doesn't quite come back like she did in previous fights. She is distant. Intimacy drops significantly. She acts mad and resentful. Takes on a more sarcastic persona. Tells me it's going to take some time for "old sweet version" to come back. That a wall went up after everything. At this point she is wearing the pants in my eyes. I fully trust her and now she go's on the offensive. Tells me she isn't a confrontational type. Can't be with someone who is. That she's told me everything about her past and If I'm not happy where we stand then tell her. I agree we're good etc. The only resentment she admits to is how I can ask questions and expect immediate honest replies but when she asks me I beat around the bush or can't remember.. I really can't.
It's been 3 weeks, we've had half sex twice opposed to at least once each time we see each other. I don't try at all with her. Nor does she. It's almost as if she's afraid to try out of pride or because of the loss of comfort. She gets annoyed with me quick, constantly asks me if I'm mad, annoyed etc in a nice accommodating manner. Trying to be overly analytical, accommodating (other then sex). I constantly tell her it's my evil eye brows and hot and cold persona. Nothing to worry about, it's just dumb facial impressions and not my true feelings. She's hardly ever convinced and keeps asking "are you sure?".
We've been inching back ever since. Gone out etc, she's been REAL hot and cold with hugging, hand holding, kisses and I love you's. Most of which she's been the only initiator though. I don't want to rock the boat. One day I'll get texts spilling her guts about missing me and loving me, all on her own. Other days when I act loving she doesn't. It's almost as if she only does it when I start to act disinterested or when I stop trying. She's always telling me to text her, wanting me to come see her etc. As I type this she texted me that she misses me from work. If I don't say I love you back she gets annoyed.
This past weekend she texted me on Monday she had a great time with me this weekend, loves me, misses me. On one of our nights out she told me that the only other guy she's ever thought about having kids with other then her 10 year off and on was me. Nobody else. Nor has she loved or muttered those words to any other and went into detail how it was a problem with some of her ex's that she never did etc.
As far as her moving in. We never spoke of it for 2-3 weeks until this past weekend. She admitted our last fight spooked her about future fights that could kick her to the curb or the street and it was to early in the relationship to move in. Although she is in a sticky situation where she has to move within a couple of months.
Your thoughts? Any advice?
After this debacle I realize I truly can love again. I've put her past behind me. Live for today, tomorrow is not guaranteed motto. I'd just hate to see this cookie cutter relationship trail she's left to happen to us, hence my issues with her past and her ability to be friends with past lovers. My only request of her is not have dealings with any of them anymore, while with me. I was burned in my 10 year stint due to something similar. A month earlier she got the cue, hence deleting Facebook, myspace and changing her number. She's since remade her Facebook but omitted any guys that fall under that category, it's her only means of contact with many many friends. Friends of her ex's were still present though which I said was fine with me. None of the deleting was ever my idea or ever even spoken of, all on her own...
I'd like to make this work, I love this woman and every aspect of her. I want to break down the wall I created and be happy. She certainly has a lot of resilience for our relationship if she's still trucking away after all these grilling's. My patience is more of the issue now. Help?