Okay, so, I'm a gay male. I have morals, always steered clear of doing wrong, am kind and understanding. Because of this, I've gotten a decent amount of friends in my 21 years of living. Enough about me, here's the problem:

Just last night, I was hanging out with some friends in their apartment building. They were getting high and asked me if I wanted to take a smoke. I declined. After a couple of minutes having passed, one of them asked me again. I said, "You know what? Sure! Why not?" and I began to smoke with them. (note: I smoked once before about a year ago and didn't get high. This time, I did)

After I was done, I went to my friend's room and started playing videogames. This particular friend is a straight male whom I have known for a little over a year now. Our friendship's been pretty decent, I would say. I mean, we look out for one another, kind of like brothers.

Anyway, so I'm playing a videogame and he falls asleep. As soon as he falls asleep, I get the urge to look back at him while he's sleeping. I did so and just gazed at him for a while. Now, here's where I start giving past details: This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out.

Moving on: I'm staring at him and I get the sudden urge to touch him. I did so, not even thinking of the consequences. I got down on my knees, unzipped his fly, and began to perform oral sex on him in his sleep. He wakes up, shouts, "What the f**k?!?!" and proceeds to tackle me to the ground, fighting me. He lets me up, grabs a knife, and demands that I leave his room. Instantly, I snap out of whatever the hell kind of daze I was in. I leave, go outside of the apartment building, and start beating myself up about what happened.

Never have I done such a thing or would have even thought about doing such a thing if I weren't under the influence of weed. My conscience is very positive, always steering me clear of bad decisions. I'm guessing that smoking and getting high lead to my morals and inhibitions being nullified.

Later on that night, I'm still outside and it's freezing cold but I don't care. I'm just pacing back and forth, wondering how I could have allowed myself to do such a thing. I mean, sure, I was high, but I thought my will was stronger than that. My friend, pissed off and in a rage, comes outside to find me pacing back and forth. He starts yelling at me, pushing me. "How could you do that to me, dude?!" he says over and over again. Tears are filling his eyes and my shame is increasing. I try to explain to him that I was high, and he goes, "Well, you seem pretty goddamn sober now!" He isn't hearing anything I have to say, and I can't blame him.

After trying to calm him down to no avail, I watch him as he storms back in his apartment. He yells at me before leaving, telling me to go home. I do so. When I get back, there are people trying to talk to me, unaware of what just happened. I can't think straight. I have to get to him, somehow. I send him an e-mail, trying to explain what happened in detail. My apology must have been a good 5 paragraphs long. This afternoon, I go into my e-mail and read his reply. "F**k you and don't message me again" it says.

I value my friendship with this guy. Had I been sober, this wouldn't have happened. One hell of a wakeup call for me, though, because I'm never trying weed ever again. If I'm that careless while under the influence, I can do without it.

Although I probably deserve to lose a friend, I don't want to. I value all of my friendships. I just want things to make things right, somehow. The question is: How is that even possible?

Well, I have no experience when it comes to homosexuality. But dude look at it this way. If one of my friends that's a chick falls asleep and wakes up to me putting my hands down her pants, what the hell is she going to think? That's pretty inexcusable. I've gotten high before too, and to be honest it's nothing being like drunk. I mean you might have been under the influence since it was your first time and you might have gotten "too high". But still man, what you did was not cool. All you can do is keep apologizing. I don't think your friend is going to tell anyone,since he's straight and it might be very embarrassing. So don't worry about rumors, but all you can do keep trying to reach out to him. In all honestly what you did can be considered sexual assault, so even if it seemed harmless to you, learn a solid lesson from this.

This is a tough one, I really feel for you. In this case, honest is definitely the best policy. At this point, your friend has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to speak with you. Give it time, and give him space. I know you are probably panicking at this stage and all you want to do is fix this, but reality is, you are not going to fix this overnight. Your friend is probably very confused at this point, hurt and probably even feeling ashamed.

However, if or when your friend decides to hear you out, discuss with him the reasons behind your actions. All you can do is be honest with him, the rest is up to him. Reality is, there is a huge possibility he may never forgive you for this. Being high doesn’t excuse your actions, and I’m sure he is fully aware of that.

Hello Fallen,

If that were a female that you did that to, it would be considered a form of rape... So, why not have the same rules apply for a man?

He is upset and embarrassed! He may never forgive you for this...

Take it as a learning lesson!

Yes this is rape, sexual assault. I would have done that same thing your friend did, ugly girl or guy doing it!
No excuses for this NONE!!

Wow... I'm sorry, Fallen, but this would be inexcusible in my book. The other posters have said it right, especially the last poster. My first thought was "rape" as well.

Honestly, if I was in the postistion of your buddy, I would seriously consider pressing charges.

I think that you need to stay away from this guy. He has every right to press charges on you. You sent an email explaining yourself and he rejected it. Any more contact from you could be considered harassment.

In my opinion, you need to never get high again. Period. I'd even seriously consider even drinking.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Wow.... I'm sorry, Fallen, but this would be inexcusible in my book. The other posters have said it right, especially the last poster. My first thought was "rape" as well.

Honestly, if I was in the postistion of your buddy, I would seriously consider pressing charges.

I think that you need to stay away from this guy. He has every right to press charges on you. You sent an email explaining yourself and he rejected it. Any more contact from you could be considered harrassment.

In my opinion, you need to never get high again. Period. I'd even seriously consider even drinking.

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Leave the guy alone or he may get physical(NOT IN THE WAY YOU WANT). What you did was wrong. You're lucky he didn't beat the snot out of you! LET IT GO!

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Wow.... I'm sorry, Fallen, but this would be inexcusible in my book. The other posters have said it right, especially the last poster. My first thought was "rape" as well.

Honestly, if I was in the postistion of your buddy, I would seriously consider pressing charges.

I think that you need to stay away from this guy. He has every right to press charges on you. You sent an email explaining yourself and he rejected it. Any more contact from you could be considered harrassment.

In my opinion, you need to never get high again. Period. I'd even seriously consider even drinking.

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I appreciate your honesty, and I agree with you completely. As far as I know, my friend isn't pressing charges. I know him, and if he was going to get me arrested by now, he would have done so. I've been extremely hard on myself today, wondering if the right thing to do would be to just leave it alone or turn myself in to the authorities. Understand, I am no criminal. What I did, however, was criminal, and I will never be able to forgive myself. Having been high at the time provides no excuse.

All throughout my life, I've been the one giving advice to others (mainly close friends). I never thought that I'd be in such a position as I am today, taking advice from total strangers, all because of one stupid decision that lead to another. I appreciate all comments (even the rather blunt and harsh comments). I needed to read them. It helped me think things through. A sincere "Thank you!" to all that responded.

This is not merely a mistake in judgment, clouded by weed.

What you did was as the others have said, you sexually assaulted another person.

You make such a big deal out of 'the weed made me do it' in your original post, as though looking for a 'reason'.

Crossing that line, regardless of sexual orientation, is criminal. Along with that, is the element of, at best, thinking errors, that created this scene in the first place. I am not so sure this was 'random' and think instead that this was something that had been planned right from the moment you entered the place. You were looking for an opportunity to be with this guy, and you created one. I think you thought the weed would provide you with an excuse to do what you had hoped would happen all along.

This situation does not strike me as random whatsoever.

"This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out."

You wanted a repeat performance of that time, as you described it, when you two made out. The 'sudden urge' then, and the sudden urge now, are no different, except you went too far, without his consent.

Please be honest here. Am I in the ballpark? Do you truly explain away your behaviour as being a sudden and complete surprise? You couldn't believe you did it? Or you instead had the intent all along.

To imply that you have sexual urges that you cannot control, and to imply that you are capable of sexual assault in such a casual manner, couldl mean some very serious mental health issues going on here.

Which is it.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

This is not merely a mistake in judgment, clouded by weed.

What you did was as the others have said, you sexually assaulted another person.

You make such a big deal out of 'the weed made me do it' in your original post, as though looking for a 'reason'.

Crossing that line, regardless of sexual orientation, is criminal. Along with that, is the element of, at best, thinking errors, that created this scene in the first place. I am not so sure this was 'random' and think instead that this was something that had been planned right from the moment you entered the place. You were looking for an opportunity to be with this guy, and you created one. I think you thought the weed would provide you with an excuse to do what you had hoped would happen all along.

This situation does not strike me as random whatsoever.

"This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out."

You wanted a repeat performance of that time, as you described it, when you two made out. The 'sudden urge' then, and the sudden urge now, are no different, except you went too far, without his consent.

Please be honest here. Am I in the ballpark? Do you truly explain away your behaviour as being a sudden and complete surprise? You couldn't believe you did it? Or you instead had the intent all along.

To imply that you have sexual urges that you cannot control, and to imply that you are capable of sexual assault in such a casual manner, couldl mean some very serious mental health issues going on here.

Which is it.

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You're somewhat in the ballpark, I suppose. When I had that first intimate encounter with him, my attraction to him grew. It's been there ever since. I've never been waiting for a moment to strike since then, however. Never have I planned something out.

As I said before, my conscience is strong. Even when I drink, I am not the slightest bit inconsiderate of others. To blame it solely on the weed would be wrong, of course. I should have had a stronger will, so the blame still falls upon me.

If this had been a female I am sure you would be in big trouble.

The reason your "Friend" is not pressing charges is because he is probably ashamed. Don't pretend you were high. What you did was rape a friend. You need to leave him alone and stop trying
To blame your actions on being high.

You have lost him as a a friend and I would bet the farm on that.
Seems your not very good at knowing when to back off. You need to leave this guy alone before you get yourself into something that could very well end in violence. Move on and get new friends.

You're making a lot of excuses for what you did. Yes, you were high, but that's not an excuse.

Speaking as someone who's been raped, been molested, I'm willing to bet that this friendship is over. You crossed a very important line. You molested a friend, someone that has made it clear that he isn't gay.

I was molested as a child, by my female cousin. I am also female and I'm not gay. I can't begin to explain the amount of shame I felt because of the molestation (even though I was only 5 when it started) and the fact that my molester was female. I am not homophobic, but I have to say that I think I could have dealt with it better had a male molested me. There's shame, something I cannot explain, something I hope that no one will ever have to experience. Well, you've made your friend experience it. That's the truth.

It's worse for guys. When they're raped (or molested) by another guy, especially when they're straight, it's a sign of weakness.

You're gay, you know how hard it is to come out, to let people know you're gay. There's ridicule from many, unacceptance, even hate. Imagine being straight and having to admit, or accept that you had a gay encounter, against your will.

I don't think you can put yourself in his shoes. I can't even do that, even though I experienced a very similar thing. The fact is, he's a guy, he's a straight guy, what you did is the worst thing that can happen to a straight guy.

Be happy that he isn't pressing charges. Be happy that he didn't beat the living hell out of you. He's asked you to leave him alone, that's what you should do. You screwed up big time, there's no getting back this friendship, this isn't a little fight, you molested him! Walk away and learn.

How will your former friend live this down?
What you did was horrible,and being high is no excuse.

You stay well away from him and I suggest you get yourself into therapy to try and understand how you could do this.

Gays are already hard to accept for a lot of people! Now guess what your new friends motto is going to be:
"If your gay, stay away!"

I certainly hope you have learned a very valuable lesson about yourself, and try your best to make sure this never happens again. Being high is no excuse for crossing the lines of good behavior.

Leave the guy alone to deal with this his own way, because you can't undo what's been done, but never think your so perfect and reasonable you can't make a serious mistake, and not pay for it.

You got off lucky as all you lost was a friendship, this time, but if there is a next time, its your freedom you could lose.

The other posters are correct, this was rape. AND I have smoked in the past many times, I never felt sudden uncontrollable urges. Conscious or sub-consciously you wanted this, but the fact that you took it regardless is very wrong.

I think you have done enough, this friend will not forgive this easily and you need to be prepared for him never to accept it.

Learn from this please. Never let this happen again.

You ask will you ever live it down? He most likely will not tell anyone about this out of shame. Really if he does the repercussions could be dire for you, not only legally but also on a personal level. Think long and hard about what you have done, you have violated another person, never allow this to happen again.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

You're making a lot of excuses for what you did. Yes, you were high, but that's not an excuse.

Speaking as someone who's been raped, been molested, I'm willing to bet that this friendship is over. You crossed a very important line. You molested a friend, someone that has made it clear that he isn't gay.

I was molested as a child, by my female cousin. I am also female and I'm not gay. I can't begin to explain the amount of shame I felt because of the molestation (even though I was only 5 when it started) and the fact that my molester was female. I am not homophobic, but I have to say that I think I could have dealt with it better had a male molested me. There's shame, something I cannot explain, something I hope that no one will ever have to experience. Well, you've made your friend experience it. That's the truth.

It's worse for guys. When they're raped (or molested) by another guy, especially when they're straight, it's a sign of weakness.

You're gay, you know how hard it is to come out, to let people know you're gay. There's ridicule from many, unacceptance, even hate. Imagine being straight and having to admit, or accept that you had a gay encounter, against your will.

I don't think you can put yourself in his shoes. I can't even do that, even though I experienced a very similar thing. The fact is, he's a guy, he's a straight guy, what you did is the worst thing that can happen to a straight guy.

Be happy that he isn't pressing charges. Be happy that he didn't beat the living hell out of you. He's asked you to leave him alone, that's what you should do. You screwed up big time, there's no getting back this friendship, this isn't a little fight, you molested him! Walk away and learn.

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I hope you see "fallenfrmgrace", you were wrong. Word of advice, Stop talking to mutual friends about what happened between you and this guy. Nobody else needs to be involved and the more people who know what happened, the more this is going to get out of control.Unless of course one of them wishes to talk to the police.

The victim will be the one who has to try to explain your actions and that's not fair at all. Don't add more fuel to the fire or you will probably be the one who gets burnt very badly. If he doesn't want to talk about it with you, then he isn't going to want you to talk about it. He's the victim, not you! There's no justification in your actions and if your friends tell you any differently they are lying.

You describe yourself as quite a polite, moral, conscientious individual with lots of friends, and considerate of others. I don't doubt that you are that person. But, there is a part of you that I sincerely hope you think about, that has nothing to do with the type of person you are, or your sexual orientation, how popular you are, or any other factors that favourably show you as a decent person. Let's say you are all those things, and I believe you are.

The problem is the sexual assault. A good lawyer could present you easily as a you have described yourself, and most would believe that this was a momentary lapse of judgment, in an otherwise decent person who would never do such a thing.

But we know what the facts are. You and the victim had made out before, and you said that you have always had feelings for him. There was an opportunity presented to you, and without his consent (or knowledge- he was sleeping), you unzipped his pants and assaulted him. His reaction to what you did clearly shows there was no reciprocal, consentual response from him.

The aftermath, with how he so strongly reacted, shows to me at least, that he was mortified, confused, and extremely upset with you, and rightfully so. Your reaction to that, with the determination 'to get to him', and explain yourself, via an email, brought a response from him, that he wanted nothing to do with you.

I'm not sure if you see what it going on here, really going on here.

That you say you 'should have had a stronger will', is lame. You had enough will, and enough awareness to assault him. You had enough will, to make observations, function intelligently, and do what you wanted to do, and made the decision that either he would reciprocate and encourage your actions, or would wake up, realize what was going on, and stop you.

What you have done is allow a side of yourself to show that you don't like. This goes beyond any personal characteristics you have so far described in such favourable terms. You continue to see yourself simply as a good person who, with a 'stronger will' would never had done what you had done. Thus the excuses.

You may not ever admit it, but as you described your attraction to him from that first encounter, your attraction grew. This attraction must have included getting together intimately with him again, even if it was only thinking about it.

My overall opinion is that you may want to consider talking this out with a counsellor. You are only 21, and there is hope that this behaviour can be better understood, and avoided in the future. You can't 'fix' what you've done, but you can learn the difference between sexual assault, and consentual sex, and learn about the boundaries you have crossed, that, if not addressed, could very well end up with a jail sentence.

Jake2008: I appreciate the time that you put in responding to me. It means a lot, and I am now seriously considering going to a counselor. How do I seek counseling for this, though. I never thought of it in that way, but it's like you said. I may have a serious problem, another side to me that I am unaware of. If so, I'd like nothing more than to be rid of it.

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Originally Posted by Fallen4rmGrace

Jake2008: I appreciate the time that you put in responding to me. It means a lot, and I am now seriously considering going to a counselor. How do I seek counseling for this, though. I never thought of it in that way, but it's like you said. I may have a serious problem, another side to me that I am unaware of. If so, I'd like nothing more than to be rid of it.

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Seriously; You need help!