Will I ever live this down?
Okay, so, I'm a gay male. I have morals, always steered clear of doing wrong, am kind and understanding. Because of this, I've gotten a decent amount of friends in my 21 years of living. Enough about me, here's the problem:
Just last night, I was hanging out with some friends in their apartment building. They were getting high and asked me if I wanted to take a smoke. I declined. After a couple of minutes having passed, one of them asked me again. I said, "You know what? Sure! Why not?" and I began to smoke with them. (note: I smoked once before about a year ago and didn't get high. This time, I did)
After I was done, I went to my friend's room and started playing videogames. This particular friend is a straight male whom I have known for a little over a year now. Our friendship's been pretty decent, I would say. I mean, we look out for one another, kind of like brothers.
Anyway, so I'm playing a videogame and he falls asleep. As soon as he falls asleep, I get the urge to look back at him while he's sleeping. I did so and just gazed at him for a while. Now, here's where I start giving past details: This friend and I shared a brief moment of intimacy around the time we first met. He was confused and I had an attraction to him. What happened between us didn't go beyond making out.
Moving on: I'm staring at him and I get the sudden urge to touch him. I did so, not even thinking of the consequences. I got down on my knees, unzipped his fly, and began to perform oral sex on him in his sleep. He wakes up, shouts, "What the f**k?!?!" and proceeds to tackle me to the ground, fighting me. He lets me up, grabs a knife, and demands that I leave his room. Instantly, I snap out of whatever the hell kind of daze I was in. I leave, go outside of the apartment building, and start beating myself up about what happened.
Never have I done such a thing or would have even thought about doing such a thing if I weren't under the influence of weed. My conscience is very positive, always steering me clear of bad decisions. I'm guessing that smoking and getting high lead to my morals and inhibitions being nullified.
Later on that night, I'm still outside and it's freezing cold but I don't care. I'm just pacing back and forth, wondering how I could have allowed myself to do such a thing. I mean, sure, I was high, but I thought my will was stronger than that. My friend, pissed off and in a rage, comes outside to find me pacing back and forth. He starts yelling at me, pushing me. "How could you do that to me, dude?!" he says over and over again. Tears are filling his eyes and my shame is increasing. I try to explain to him that I was high, and he goes, "Well, you seem pretty goddamn sober now!" He isn't hearing anything I have to say, and I can't blame him.
After trying to calm him down to no avail, I watch him as he storms back in his apartment. He yells at me before leaving, telling me to go home. I do so. When I get back, there are people trying to talk to me, unaware of what just happened. I can't think straight. I have to get to him, somehow. I send him an e-mail, trying to explain what happened in detail. My apology must have been a good 5 paragraphs long. This afternoon, I go into my e-mail and read his reply. "F**k you and don't message me again" it says.
I value my friendship with this guy. Had I been sober, this wouldn't have happened. One hell of a wakeup call for me, though, because I'm never trying weed ever again. If I'm that careless while under the influence, I can do without it.
Although I probably deserve to lose a friend, I don't want to. I value all of my friendships. I just want things to make things right, somehow. The question is: How is that even possible?