Ask Me Help Desk - Annoyed with boyfriend

Am I overreacting?

I feel really annoyed with my boyfriend because of three incidents which illustrate a greater unease I have.

Incident one: we had an important appintment and I told him th etime 20 minutes before the appointment I'm locked out of the house (we lost the second set of keys) and I phone him- he's in the pub with his mates. He knew when the appointment was, knows I hate being late and he knew I couldn't get into the house if I turned up before him.

Incident two: he'd rather go to a ex work colleges stagnight than go to a family event that has been planned all year. Luckily I haen't booked the flights yet (flight my family were going to buy for him).

Incident three: It was his birthday weekend but my parents were coming up to see me. I asked if he wanted to join us (fancy hotel sightseeing in a nearby city) but said it was OK if he didn't want to come in order to see his family- he said yes. Then a few days before he just has to go back to mummies. He sees her every week. If he couldn't not see her on his birthday he should have said before we booked the hotel.

I just feel like I come second fiddle to his mates and his family are more important than mine. Obviously his family should be more important to him but spending some time with mine would be nice. Also his family have given him zero help since he became unemployed at christmas- I'm supporting their son.

I feel like he wants to stay in this dead end town forever to hang out with his mates and mummy. I think as soon as my Ph D is done I'm going to go to america or somewhere else far away and I'll just have top prepare myself that he won't want to come too.

I know I should talk to him but I don't want to cause trouble if I'm overreacting.

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Originally Posted by templelane

Incident one: we had an important appintment and I told him th etime 20 minutes before the appointment I'm locked out of the house (we lost the second set of keys) and I phone him- he's in the pub with his mates. He knew when the appointment was, knows I hate being late and he knew I couldn't get into the house if I turned up before him.

Maybe he genuinely forgot? What reason did he give when you asked him why he wasn't there?
How long before this day did you tell him about the appointment?
Guys are very forgetful creatures.

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Incident two: he'd rather go to a ex work colleges stagnight than go to a family event that has been planned all year. Luckily I haen't booked the flights yet (flight my family were going to buy for him).

I admit I have ditched boring family events to go to parties...
He should have told you earlier but the thought of having fun with his mates seemed more appealing than sitting around with family.

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Incident three: It was his birthday weekend but my parents were coming up to see me. I asked if he wanted to join us (fancy hotel sightseeing in a nearby city) but said it was OK if he didn't want to come in order to see his family- he said yes. Then a few days before he just has to go back to mummies. He sees her every week. If he couldn't not see her on his birthday he should have said before we booked the hotel.

This one I am with you on... you should have told you earlier, it was unfair to back out and leave you with the hotel bill to pay, even if it was his birthday.

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I know I should talk to him but I don't want to cause trouble if I'm overreacting.

Only way to solve this is to talk to him I'm afraid. Bring it up casually if you want, just mention that you are feeling a bit left out lately with him going off with his mates.

Don't be afraid to talk to him. Communication is very important. Letting things out instead of keeping things bottle in does wonders. He isn't a mind reader so if you don't tell him what is on your mind, who will?

Also, what bothers me is that he can hang out with friends while he has no job while your finacially supporting him? Stop doing this and let him find a job.

Again, talk to him asap.

Incident 1- You should have made a spare key just for this situation.

Incident 2- My wife would have went ballistic. Knowing that, I would have kept this date if I said I would be there. Its different to have said he didn't want to go in the first place.

Incident 3- Again, it's a matter of keeping your word, even though he didn't want to do it, that should have been said upfront.

Backing out at the last minute, is not fair, after giving his word to be there. But since most of these incidence involve your plans with others, that s something to pay attention to, when you do make plans.

Could it be he goes along so not to upset you? But will make any lame excuse later to get out of it? Can you accept NO THANKS from him at the outset, or will it start a fight?

We never really fight. If I had said don't go to that stag night he wouldn't have, but I kept quiet. I realise all of this being annoyed is just me projecting my stress from work (I've had a huge report to write) onto him. Perhaps I'm finding things to be annoyed about?

I know I shouldn't pay for him to go out ith his mates but he's trying really hard to find work and he's stressed too. I think its good for him to be able to relax a bit sometimes.

Got to go thanks everybody!

So this was a good vent then?? :D