My adult son cannot stand to be with me
My husband and I are in our 70's and live 3,000 miles from our son. He is a hardworking, successful, well liked man of 40 with an adorable wife and a new baby of just 9 months. My son had some troubled years in his teens and did get into drugs. We did our best but he did not really listen to us. Eventually he stole our car, got into an accident, called us to tell us where the car was and said "Have a good life", We did not hear from him for 2 years and in the end we traced him through The Salvation Army. He had moved 3.000 miles away.
In the years following he came home a couple of times, and we always gave him a job and paid him well. He was a good worker but always pushing the button. We dealt with the public and sometimes he made it difficult for us. He would stay for the summer and leave again in the winter to ski somewhere. Eventually he found he went back to school and made a success of his life. But we never really could please him, We have spent 20 years trying. We have given him money to help him out but he seldom asks for it. If he asks to borrow, he always pays it back if we take it. More than often we tell him he needs it more than us and forgive it.
A few years ago he met and married a wonderful girl and they started their own business. We drove the 3,000 miles several times over the years helping them financially and physically to build the business and reach their goals. We did a lot of renovating and building so it was hard work. We were happy to do it because we love our son very much and wanted him to be happy.
Each time we visited our son he had a ton of jobs ready for us to do. It became a pattern though that it would seem that around the time for us to leave, my son would become nasty and rude. He would make it clear that we were not wanted. If we asked him what was wrong, it would always end with a scene and tears. Yet always on our way out, my son would come to us to tell us that he loved us and that he did not want us to go away angry with him. With tears running down his face he would tell us that things would be different on our next visit. But they never were. Things just kept getting worse and it got to the point that whenever we were around he would fall asleep or go into his bedroom. If we took him and his wife out to dinner, he would just act so bored and even pick up a newspaper to read at the table rather than talk to us.
Last visit he even asked us to stay an extra day to finish a job. We agreed but on that day, it snowed heavily and we could not do the job. He did not take that well and we spent the entire day trying to make conversation with the back of his head. He did not want us there and he wanted us to know it. His wife was just torn apart because she loves us and is so sweet to us. Her parents live at the other end of the world and do not travel, so my daughter in law wants her son to know at least one set of grandparents.
Last week my daughter in law and our grandson flew here for a visit. We had a wonderful time with them and it was so relaxed without my son. Yet I woke up one morning to find my wonderful husband in the dark in the living room. He was crying. He told me he was 73 years old and he felt like a failure because he was not able to have a normal relationship with his son. Let me tell you my husband has accomplished so much in his life that it hurt me so bad to hear him say he was a failure.
I have written to my son to tell him what he has done to his father, and to tell him that we can no longer visit him to be treated without respect. I have told him that we do not want to hear or see him unless he figures out what it is wrong. If it is something we are doing then he needs to tell us so we have a chance to change. If it is something we have done he needs to tell us or get over it. I have told him that I for one do not want to see him on our deathbed telling us he is sorry. It would be way too late then and I would certainly not want to see him then. I ended by saying we loved him, are so proud of what he has accomplished and we miss him and hope that he can figure things out before it is too late.
So my question is: Have I done the right thing?
Kate