Separated : In love with my ex and coping with it
I separated from my wife 2 months back, more accurately she left me because she said she was not happy in the relationship and did not want to be with me anymore. She has done this once before a year back but that time she was not sure what she wanted from her life and our marriage and she left me but came back after 2 months. This time she is gone for real though I do sometimes harbor hope of being together again. Deep inside I know they are just fantasies. Its been the hardest two months of my life which should be no surprise, I have mourned, cried, cursed hundred times before I felt better for a while and again oscillated between despair, anger, hope, grief, sadness and resignation and hope again over and over again.
To make matters worse, I recently moved to this country (about a year back) and travel quite a lot due to work so I hardly have friends who live in my city, so that makes it harder and very difficult to deal with this all alone. So I started talking to a psychologist and that has helped me remain sane and try and move on in my life. I even tried meeting new people and had brief relationship but I feel totally emotionally disconnected and I cannot really love another woman at least for now. In the initial period after separating I did not stay in touch with my ex, because the emotions were raw and it hurt so much to stay in touch. My issue is that I still love her and want her to be back, deep inside I know that the marriage is over and its probably the best for both of us. Also myself respect would never let me beg her to come back.
We agreed to stay as friends though I had no clue what that means, so just when I thought I was making good recovery I started to be in touch with my ex and being warm and friendly. I readily agreed and supported her filing for mutual divorce and but did not realize that the event which I considered inevitable touched a raw nerve and I am broken man again. I know I have it in me to get up and survive but somehow this breaking down keeps happening too often and I wonder how often I have to deal with this. Don't get me wrong, I cry every single day because happy memories keep coming and I miss being with the person I still love but normally after a good cry, I feel better and I am filled with hope but breakdowns are different, it is deep sense of hurt an feeling of hopelessness and sense of lack of purpose with my life.
I have thought about suicide but never seriously considered it because that would cause more grief to people I leave behind. I should probably not be in touch with my ex, (we both now live in different countries) so do not see each other in person but I should probably avoid all forms of contact with her but its hard to do that. I constantly find myself stalking her on social network, I still want to know what's happening in her life. I think this is unhealthy but I just can't help myself on this. I look forward to exchanging emails and chatting up with her on even the most mundane stuff, we have spoken to each other couple of times since we separated.
Now as we talk about financial settlement things will get nasty so I am torn between my mind and my heart, my self preservation instincts and my love for her. Should I give in to her demand? I no longer know what is the right thing to do. Like any other marriage, no third person truly knows the marriage and can give the right advice. I don't know if I will find the answers but just writing down my thoughts in this page made me feel better so who cares? I will just post it!!