Relationship/Life Advice?
Hello everyone! I am only on here because these love songs and sad songs are making me re-think my life.(PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS WILL/MIGHT BE LENGTHY, MY APOLOGIES!)
I've been depressed my entire life; Well, ever since I can remember. I've thought about suicide a few times... but I think I've moved past that. I am not the type of depressed person where the cause is some life situation, or maybe I am... I've been depressed for a reason that I have not yet come to realize.
I mostly feel empty, I've lost interest in all hobbies/things I used to really enjoy and love! I don't really care for anything to be honest. I don't have a lot of friends... not because I'm weird(I am pretty weird) but because I just don't like people all that much or at least being around them. Not even my family.
I've always been a kind generous guy/person, I have a VERY strong will power but have never been able to find something to make me feel like I have a purpose, I've been on a life long journey to re-ignite that fire inside of me... like everyone talks about. Even a little flicker would be nice. :):
I have a job, I go to the gym, I play instruments... I've learned how to do most of everything I've wanted to learn; with the exceptions of a few things of course... mostly because the lack of money, but not a big downer about that. Just everything I do... I learn it, and then I'm done... I just lose interest. My first instrument was the Piano.. I spent a year playing and getting everything down and playing it awesomely!
And then... I just lose interest and haven't touched it since. Same thing for the guitar, violin, harp, drums, sax... I can play them all.. but I have no desire for it. Same thing for sports. Same thing for Life. :(
Even when I was young I always wanted to find true love! I'm almost 19 now and I just got basically my first "Real" Girlfriend about 3 months ago. I fell in love with her... and shortly thereafter... I "lost interest" BUT not in her... in love... ;( I do love her I still believe that inside I am still in love with her so... I cannot screw that up... she loves me and knows about my depression, and accepts it. She has helped me a bit with it, and I've helped her with hers and her anxiety.
I am numb... in everything when I'm with her... everything else ceases to exist... I am at peace... I say little to nothing... I don't feel sadness or anything not even joy... but you know? Peace :) and then I feel like I'm not enough for her! I've told her that's how I felt and she told me that it's okay and that she chose me and loves me so I trust her there.
My problem is... I need a desire! But I'm afraid nothing of this world will bring it... I've tried Jesus... and I think I failed there big time.. I loved it so much though :( I got baptised and saved.. and everything! And then a week later I lost faith and that was the end of that... it was out of self-shame! :( I've never continuously hated myself... but I've never liked myself either. I feel like a stranger to my own mind.
I need help.
I just hope all of you can read this and speculate here.. maybe you guy's/gals and make sense of this? :( I just need things to try.. I've tried mostly everything! Something isn't right! I can feel happiness/joy!! But only briefly... and then it's gone. My light is quickly fading... if it's there at all :( Please help!