How do I convince myself to move on?
I have a long convoluted story. Someone, please make the effort to read through it. I need opinion, and I need help :( Thank you in advance!
I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship for 4 years. He had been wanting to get married to his girlfriend (gf) but there were issues. The girl's parents were being difficult. He talked to me about it a lot. He and I met a year and a half or so ago and started becoming good friends around 6 months after we first met. He had always found me attractive but treated me like a friend and would joke and kid around with me and never really made me feel like he could ever like me.
That was always fine with me, because I am not the sort of person who falls for people in general unless I know they like me. I'm just protective about myself that way. I like being friends with people. I think I can care a lot and be there for people I like as a friend and that makes me happy. So we were friends, increasingly better friends and spending a lot of time together. I'd also gone through heart break and he was supportive in that. That said, I always felt he's the sort of person I would want to be with. I liked him and his girlfriend though and I wanted nothing from him other than friendship.
Around 4 months ago, we'd gone out drinking and he told me he and his girlfriend have an amorously open relationship. Because it's long distance, they allow each other to have physical trysts with other people, within limits. Basically he wanted to make out with me. I was shocked. I also got curious about it, but I didn't let him do much and cut it out before much happened at all. The next day I felt I am not used to this idea of being physical with someone without any possibility of being emotionally involved with them and it was messing with my head because now I started feeling like I might like him. I told him that and he said he's definitely with his girlfriend and this is just a physical thing and if it messes with me head he won't do it. So I said, yes, please don't. I got it all out of my head and we were friends.
He still tried a couple of times again though. It became hard for me to say no. And I kept feeling like I might fall for him. The third time we actually made out. It completely messed with my head, so I took some time away from him and then got okay and we promised to not do this again. And we didn't for a while and he commented that we could make out and have fun if I can manage to keep my feelings at bay. Eventually I felt I could. I thought if it's okay with his girlfriend, maybe it's okay for me to have a bit of fun too. He maintained that emotionally he's only with his girlfriend. So we messed around a few times, all of them initiated by him.
He started acting strange in other ways though. He would want to hold my hand, he became a lot more affectionate, he shared a lot with me, he went on about how great I am, he wanted to hug me, he complimented me a lot more. At the same time though he maintained that he's completely into his girlfriend and wants to marry her, family issues permitting. Sometimes he expressed a fear that she's losing interest, but I always assured him that from what I've heard, she really wants to get married and he should just be strong.
I was with him through a lot. He felt he could really count on me. I had completely convinced myself that I don't want anything from him, but his behavior confused me. He seemed like he was into me, but he said he wasn't. One time I confronted him after he tried to make out with me again. He said he's confused and he'll talk to his girlfriend. The next day he said he thinks he wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to be impulsive and he needs to give it thought.
I was shocked and surprised. But happy as well. I still didn't think anything would happen between us or should because he was still into his girlfriend. But it made me happy still, what he said. I suggested we take time away from each other, but he wouldn't hear of it.
Then she went and read some emails of his and broke up with him. He was very upset. But he was confused about what to do. I think he partially wanted to fix it and partially he felt like maybe it's for the best and he'll be with me. So I put aside whatever I felt and told him to go work on it. It had been 4 years, he'd loved her and I'm right here so it's easy to see me as something he wants and all other such logical things that a friend would say. I felt bad saying all that, but he's my friend so I honestly wanted him to make the best decision for him. And I wanted to be fair to her as well. I spoke as a friend would.
He talked to her, she forgave him and he told me nothing could happen between me and him. I agreed and let it be. He came to me the next day and asked me what I wanted. I said it didn't matter and to let it be and work on his relationship. He insisted and we sat and talked for a couple of hours and eventually I told him I think he and I would be good together, but I don't want him to hurt her or leave something of 4 years for a mere possibility and I know I haven't allowed myself to feel much so I can completely definitely be just friends with him. He said he wants to think and he's seriously considering being with me and he's told his girlfriend that too. This again made me feel happy, but I was careful to not let myself expect much.
Then the next day again he said it makes sense that he be with his girlfriend, 4 years and all, she knows him inside out and they have worked on getting used to each other and with me it's just a possibility so he's going to be with her. I agreed again and let it be, though again, I felt bad.
Again the next day he said he was miserable. He said if this was the right thing to do, why does it feel so bad. Now I realised he's too confused so I told him I am taking myself away as an option. I don't want anything with him. He should focus on his relationship and see what is up there and work on that, and if anything has to happen between us, it can wait, his relationship is more important right now. Honestly it was hard saying all this, but I felt it was the right thing to do for everyone.
After a week or so, we'd been hanging out a bit but doing nothing and he said some things that made me wonder, but nothing actually happened. Then one night he came and asked me if I want to be with him. He said he'd thought a lot about it and he doesn't think he's being impulsive. He said he loves the person I am and he wants to make me happy. He said he'd talked to his girlfriend and she didn't even seem too affected by it. The way she'd been talking, she seemed like she was losing interest too. He told me how it had been a while that she'd seemed like that. He wanted to be with me. I thought about it for a day. I told him I don't want to be a rebound and he promised me I'm not. And then I agreed. We decided to keep it a secret from our friends though.