Ask Me Help Desk - Was I insensitive

Okay, so a girlfriend of mine (Sarah) started to tell me how this other girlfriend of hers, (Ana) is such a b-i-t-c-h. She starts to tell me that Ana is like a possesive boyfriend. She says that Ana - who's a single parent expects Sarah to be at her house every single Friday night so that she can help attend her baby.

Well, Sarah, despite the fact that she and Ana have been friends for about 8 years, she's just plain getting sick of her. Sarah told me that Ana is on welfare, doesn't want to work and on top of that has a live in boyfriend who also doesn't want to work. So basically Sarah stopped calling Ana - hasn't communicated with her for about a month. She's not interested in that friendship at all, she tells me.

Last Wednesday, Sarah called out sick from work, and Ana called the house to speak to Sarah's parents - not sure about what, that's the mystery, as they're both in their late 30's. But Sarah got angry and asked Ana what she's doing calling her house - if she's trying to manipulate her parents. Ana started to cry and say, "Oh I miss you my friend, please come back to me"

Anyway, the point is that Sarah was telling me how sneaky Ana is, and how she's disgusted by her welfare ways. She said she wants to end the friendship and that's that. But then Sarah said something nasty, which I kind of felt bad for Ana and defended Ana a little bit.

Sarah said that she thinks that Ana was thinking that Sarah would break the silence and run back to their friendship because since Ana has a young baby. She felt that Sarah would miss the baby to tears.

But Ana was wrong, as Sarah said that she misses her ex boyfriend's pet dogs more than she would ever miss Ana's kid.

So that's when I said something - I told her that I thought it was mean that she would say she misses dogs more than she misses Ana's baby, considering that her and Ana had been friends for 8 years + and she has taken care of that baby - even seen him be born.

Sarah didn't sound too happy about my opinion - she didn't say anything, but I'm wondering if I've been insensitive.

What do you think?

You're struck between a rock and a hard place here because your girlfriend expects you to side with her and you have your own opinion.

I don't think you were insensitive. I think you were pointing out an insensitivity in her, the fact that she can brush off the baby but still have feelings for an ex's dogs. Maybe you see it as a character flaw in her, maybe not.

She may be feeling guilt in the way she's ending her friendship with this girl and just needs affirmation that she's doing the right thing.

You are showing support by being there to listen to her and what's going on in her life. There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Survivor07

You're struck between a rock and a hard place here because your girlfriend expects you to side with her and you have your own opinion.

I don't think you were insensitive. I think you were pointing out an insensitivity in her, the fact that she can brush off the baby but still have feelings for an ex's dogs. Maybe you see it as a character flaw in her, maybe not.

She may be feeling guilt in the way she's ending her friendship with this girl and just needs affirmation that she's doing the right thing.

You are showing support by being there to listen to her and what's going on in her life. There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion.

Thank you for the response. So what do you personally think? Was that an insensitive comment to make?

The thing is that Sarah is now looking into religion and is becoming a christian, so I thought that was kind of insensitive. But Sarah didn't care at all - in fact she told me it's the truth and she feels what she feels.

So on that same night, all Sarah did was just talk and talk and talk about Ana and about herself. Never even paid attention to one word I said. When I would make a comment, she'd think it was about her, when in fact, I was trying to steer the conversation away from Ana and on to better things.

My point is this - why is she talking about Ana for 3 hours when she said she won't go back to her friendship?

While I don't support Anna's welfare or abrupt and rude ways, I basically told Sarah that she needs to take an interest in people more instead of just looking at situtations. Sarah was confused by my comment, but I left it at that.

Your comment wasn't insensitive at all. Her comment, however, borders on insensitive.

Of course losing a friend is like losing any close relationship... you distance yourself and even grieve.

Her talking about Ana for 3 hours isn't that strange, even if she says she wants out of the friendship. (I can go on and on about people I have a problem with) also it's a current event and that might be why she talks about it a lot.

As for her giving up the friendship... it does seem from your post that Ana might be a little bit possessive and demanding. Once a friendship becomes a one way street, it won't keep... unless the person who takes manages to grab a hold on the person who gives.

I get that Sarah is annoyed, and even though she says she misses some dogs more then the kid... it might just be her way of distancing herself from the whole situation... its easier to distance yourself and keep it that way if you don't evolve yourself emotionally (that is in a positive way... )

Lol of course this is just my take on it... from what you've said.

And once more, no you weren't insensitive. Also you have a right to your own opinion and you seem to be a supportive BF. Who listens and seeing as you know both parties you do have a right to an opinion, even to voice it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by roxypox

your comment wasn't insensitive at all. Her comment, however, borders on insensitive.

Of course losing a friend is like losing any close relationship... you distance yourself and even grieve.

Her talking about Ana for 3 hours isn't that strange, even if she says she wants out of the friendship. (I can go on and on about people I have a problem with) also its a current event and that might be why she talks about it alot.

As for her giving up the friendship... it does seem from your post that Ana might be a little bit possessive and demanding. Once a friendship becomes a one way street, it won't keep... unless the person who takes manages to grab a hold on the person who gives.

I get that Sarah is annoyed, and even though she says she misses some dogs more then the kid... it might just be her way of distancing herself from the whole situation... its easier to distance yourself and keep it that way if you don't evolve yourself emotionally (that is in a positive way...)

lol of course this is just my take on it.... from what you've said.

and once more, no you weren't insensitive. also you have a right to your own opinion and you seem to be a supportive BF. Who listens and seeing as you know both parties you do have a right to an opinion, even to voice it.

Hahaha, okay, I love your answer - especially about the distancing part. Just one correction - I'm not her boyfriend, just a close girlfriend lol

I don't think it's insentive to voice your opinion. She can agree or disagree, but none the less it is your opinion.

No, you're not being insensitive. You listen to her problems with Ana for three hours. That's not insensitive. That's being a good friend. Like I already said, you're entitled to your opinion.