I'm 43 years old and I hate my life, I need to change
Hey there,
I will be 43 years old in January 16th. I feel like crying. No one ever really liked me, but then again I have always hated myself. I was never attractive, I was extreemly bad in sports, I was never good in socializing, because of my weight my penis is small,and not only that I premature ejauclate. So sexually I'm also a looser. I tend to be smart but no one listens to me. I used to allow myself to be taken advantage of I don't anymore. It's like I always want to be alone. When I was out I never trusted anyone, and if someone was my friend I was too needy on them. I've lived a life alone. I was taught in theraphy from Dr. Albert Ellis himself in NYC That I don't need anyone all you need in life is food water and shelter. As long as I don't get involved with people I can keep a sound mind. The other day scared me.
I am friends with this married couple who has a 3 year old son who I really love very much. They made me his uncle. I hardly see the child because they live in another state. Anytime I was there the child always played with me, came up to me and so on. These people came down for the holiday on vacation and hardly spent time with me because they were visiting there family. (that within it's self pissed me off because I flew up there 4 times this year) I have decided that I'm not going to say anything but I'm also not going up there to visit again. Anyway I was invited to 2 family parties and the 3 year old kid never came up to me. That devistated me so much that I had to leave. I spoke about this and it was said that this kid had not seen his family for almost a year and I shouldn't allow a 3 year old to control my emotions so much and I should not be using this child as an emotional crutch.
Bottom line is all my life My mom can only talk about herself, Dad doesn't take my issues seriously, I feel rejected all of the time I got so used to it that I just felt it is just better to be left alone because when I'm alone nothing triggers that depression or deep hurt or anger. IT's the only way I know how to survive. I'm sick and tired of living my life this way. I do work I have a one man computer business that I do well in. but that's all I have. It keeps the depression away but when there is nothing to do it hit's me. Sometimes I do dive into a weird addiction at a very young age when I didn't hit it off with a girl I've gone into gay sex clubs and even though I am scared of it (IM EXTREEMLY CAREFUL) I just use this as a way to get off. I really don'lt do much sexually with a guy to get him off all I'm really there for is to get off.
My expereince with women emotionally have been horrable. It was control issues, your not good enough issues, money issues, and of course good looking women want money and a very attractive guy. Well I don't fit in so wherever I can get off I just do.
As I said I hate my life. I have no one to talk to about this. I guess I'm looking to be saved I know that won't happen I can only save myself. But I need some human contact even if it's in text. I'm always helping others on the job, or listening to my mother about bull **** like a 15 explantion of how amazed she is that one supermarket looks better than the other or her medical illensses. I need someone for me. I know there is not much to say other than get help I've been to therapy for 30 years I know what's appropertate or not. In fact other people think Im the best therapist in the world. But man I need someone for me. Just to say I heard you and not put me down.
Comment on Wondergirl's post
Volnteering is a start I will need to explore what interests me and based on my schudle because for my business. But thanks.
Comment on Wondergirl's post
No I don't do any of those things.. if I see a stray I call animal control they will find it a home, I don't have a elderley neighbor, don't pay attention to birds and we have homless shelters heere in my town and they need to get a job..