I have for many years doubted all that I have seen and heard. Recently I have been diagnosed with bipolar and mania. I really don't think these things are just in my head! I have others in my family and friends that confirm different aspects of my experiences. It seems to be more intense on the property where I grew up. I had to move back here after my divorce with great hesitation. It was the only option I had at the time and still continue to be forced to stay here. I have since been in a relationship with a man who lives here with me as well. He blows things off that he has witnessed himself. I don't always have a paranoid feeling about certain areas of my house but when I do it is always the same two areas. Also, there is an area in the woods that I avoid at all costs, it seems to be almost a circle of older trees. I only noticed the circle formation recently after 20 years off and on of living here.
I am a very strong christian but have had my moments of falling backward, mostly due to these prominent events in my life. I was brought up to not believe in such things. Although all of my family has had these happenings. My mother won't admit to any of it either, she avoids my questions like a disease. My two brothers have both heard and seen things too. Some of the events have been in direct relation to a horrible accident or small mishap in another sibling's life. Almost a psychic relationship? I had this connection with my father as well, he described it being like a brick wall hitting him. A small example would be me noticing his wallet that he left behind and him calling five minutes later about it saying he knew I had found it.
He passed away 13 years ago and things have only gotten worse for me. The thing I once thought was neat to have I dread every second happening. I honestly hate everything about this and wish it would go away! I don't want to accept any of it, I want to feel peace and happiness. The main issue I am dealing with now is the relationship I am in is turning into the exact type of relationship I have always been in. The guy starts caring and kind but after being with me turns angry and bitter. It's not the guys either, it is whatever is around me. Because once they aren't with me anymore they turn back into the men they once were. Being with me they do and say things they would never have done before or since.
When I get stressed I go through phases that I have no control over. I become very angry and hostile shutting myself down to outside influences. Then I become very alone and worthless feeling even if someone is in the room with me. I usually try to seclude myself in a closet, the same closet every time. I curl up into a ball and cry until I pass out. Usually I wake up and walk around in a trance where I don't care what is happening around me, all I can think of is hurting myself. It is never about hurting anyone around me, only myself.
I have in the past hung myself twice on this property, both times the cord I used has broken and I have fallen to the ground. I have hung long enough to have flashes of things I will never discuss and while I am seeing what I see, something trips me during the flashes as I try to turn and walk away. That's when I have fallen and hit my head on the ground hard enough to leave an indentation on it. I have also cut my wrist in a bathtub of hot water, they stopped bleeding on their own. This whatever it is takes over and torments me past the point I have any control but also keeps me alive?
It really doesn't matter if anyone believes me anymore. I really just want to be at peace like I said. My head feels like a vice grip is on it from the speed my mind goes. I know I don't want to die, I myself when these events are happening feel ashamed and stupid for the actions that happen. In the ER every doctor has talked to me and just let me go home after I talk to them about how I feel. Why would they ever let me go if something was truly wrong with me? I also have a 6th sense of when people have done something to hurt me. I know the instant I am lied to etc. When this happens I force myself to allow the lie to just be, not wanting to confront it. The sick feeling grows inside of my chest until sometimes days later I can't handle it and confront whomever it involves. Every time I have been called crazy or have had to show them the proof I have, which is always revealed to me too, before the lie is admitted to. Has it ever been wrong when that feeling is there... no. I wish. I wish that like I said my heart and soul was at peace. I want to be happy, I am a fun loving person at heart. I laugh and play with my children and friends. I have many health issues that would label me disabled but I still find the strength to do everything I love and cherish. These clouds come and consume me and then leave me. I really don't understand why I can't just live my life without this nonsense! Thank you for reading this if you do. I want to know I am not alone, but on the otherhand I really hope I am and that nobody else has to deal with the things I do.