When having sex , intercorse or oral , I can't seem to relax and have that big O , I have lots of little ones and I get very wet . My boyfriend is very good at taking his time with me , were very open with each other and enjoy all kinds of things such as lite bondage , forceplay and well the list goes on , but for some reason just as I'm at the edge and ready to *** hard... it STOPS! I don't know if I am tighting up too much or what , he tells me I just need to relax and let it happen but I am trying at least I think I am or I just don't know how to relax! I also squirt but only if I use a toy (dildo) he has watched me to see how I do it but he still can't make me do it either , with a toy or him. BTW I am 44 yrs old and we are a new couple , been together for about 5 mo only and I am very very comfortable with him, but I have always been this way and I am sick of it! Please help me .

We can tell that you can orgasm, just not when he is 'working' on you. It could be a bit of a psychological block, or it could be that he knows how to do it 95% of the way and just can't do the extra 5%.

I think you're getting too focused on the destination here. Just enjoy what you got and don't worry about whether you orgasm. If you do then you do. If you don't, well it felt good anyway.

The little flash of insight I just got. You're getting nervous and strung because you can't orgasm. So when ever your boyfriend, or your previous boyfriends, are engaged in some sort of sexual activity with you, you're concerned about whether your going to Orgasm. So you got this niggly little doubt hanging over you. You don't get this when you're masturbating because you know what to do and how to let go. You don't have those worries or concerns.

So you're boyfriend has a point. You do need to relax and you really need to stop focusing on having an orgasm and just have good sex. Stop thinking about orgasms. They might just come that way.

No pun intended.

For some women it can be a fear of losing control of the situation or themselves. Is there anything in your background that makes you uncomfortable with being vulnerable?

There is still control even in Bondage and 'force play' that isn't there when a 'mind blowing' orgasm hits. It takes a different level of trust.