My boyfriend of 4-5 years (I am a female) took a job that required him to move across the country for 6 months. I visited him 3 times and we spoke daily. He told me that he really missed me and that the relationship was all that kept him going because he did not like the job. During one of the visits I discovered an explicit email from a woman detailing what she would like to do to him. I confronted him but he denied any involvement and stated that he was only being friendly and the woman got carried away... So I started checking his text messages which is wrong but I did it anyway. On subsequent visits I noticed explicit photos and messages from several other women and my alarms went off. When the job ended he asked to move in with me even though he has a fabulous house of his own. I hoped that his sexting and internet pursuits (I found evidence of these) would diminish but feared that this behavior could become addictive.
Last week he mentioned that a woman had randomly texted him about a future job with her organization. Within days their contact had turned into a full blown sexually explicit romance over the cell. I am horrified and have no idea how to confront the situation. I know he will get defensive, deny any wrong doing and acuse me of manifesting the situation. I cannot tell him that I looked at his texts because it is an invasion of his privacy and that will blow the whole thing apart. I would like to have an honest conversation about his past sexting, and present affair but I am frozen. I don't know if there is a chance to alter this behavior but I do know that if I say nothing I am enabling it.

Let him know you were wrong to snoop---but are glad you did.

He is cheating on you, even if it's not physical.

Ask him to leave, because you obviously can't trust him.

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Originally Posted by franz marc

I cannot tell him that I looked at his texts because it is an invasion of his privacy and that will blow the whole thing apart. I would like to have an honest conversation about his past sexting, and present affair but I am frozen. I don't know if there is a chance to alter this behavior but I do know that if I say nothing I am enabling it.

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He has already blown 'the whole thing' apart by his own behavior.

Thaw yourself out, tell him the whole truth about what you have done and what you found out. Then inform him that he can move back into his own house.

He lied to you about the first one you found. I highly doubt he will suddenly tell the truth or keep any promises he makes. I also don't see you ever being able to trust him not to cheat again (mentally, emotionally, or, possibly, physically) or for him to trust you not to snoop. In fact, I think he will become better at hiding the evidence and you will become better at finding it creating a cycle that does not make a healthy relationship.

Making up your mind that you will not put up with his behavior and that you do not want to continue snooping or worrying about his actions will help you handle any blame that he tries placing on you or any excuses or defense that he attempts to give.

Change the locks. Put his stuff outside. Then you can have a conversation while you're certain you have his attention.

If you can work it out, you can get his stuff better organized. If not, you're done.

Thanks for your responses.
It seems crazy but I don't want to end the relationship even though I know in my heart it will come to that.
Had I not accidentally stumbled upon that first email I would not know a thing. He seems happy and attentive. We get along great and enjoy our time together. Sex is fantastic.
Yet, even as I hold onto this mirage, I agree with you all because I don't see how to get around this damage.

OK, so when you are gong to start doing threesomes with these women,

Blunt? Yep, he is cheating on you, and you are settling for this for some reason, So when will it be time, when he starts phsycially sleeping with one or maybe wait till it is two or three.
But heck it is OK, he is still treating you OK right.

He is cheating, but if you are willing to share him, I guess it is your businessness

Ouch. You're right.

Sorry, I wanted to give you a wake up "slap" so often we get to "used" to what we are doing and hate change.

My wife? I never did it but if I had and got caught,
1. she would have thrown phone to ground and jumped up on down on it.
2. on the computer, either throw it out the door, or put passwords so I could not use it.

I bet if men were sending you nude photos or you asked him if he minded if you posted nude photos to male friends then he would see it as cheating

The word "sexting" sounds rather innocuous doesn't it, but how does a random text about a job opportunity turn into full blown sexually explicit romance? I have to ask -- who are these women who respond to this sort of stuff from guys?

Anyway, that's beside the point. What he's doing sounds addictive to me - do these text affairs ever go anywhere? Clearly in his mind they are separate from his real life with you because, from what you say, they haven't affected his participation in the relationship.

I'm wondering if this is an outlet like compulsive porn watching, but your guy does it with real women in real time... trouble is, if it continues, you can guarantee one day he'll get the bunny boiler that won't stop, or, he'll decide to act out the fantasy.

You need to front him on it. Who cares if you've 'invaded his privacy', what he's doing has the potential to strongly threaten your relationship. Technically he's cheating.

He needs to make a decision about what is important - you or the textbabes - and to seek help for his addiction/compulsion.

You need to make a decision about whether you want to stay with a guy that behaves like this.

I have put quite a bit of thought into the compulsive, addictive component of the behavior and do think that counseling would be a possibility if he wanted to try to change.
Yes, you are right; I need to make a decision about whether to stay with him.

I get that you're worried about telling him you went through his phone. It's typical when people don't trust their significant others, and that's understandable given the situation, but that doesn't make it right. Still, I would be more worried about his actions than the fact that you went through his phone. I hope you get everything figured out. There's no reason to stay with someone like this. All trust is broken and he doesn't seem to want to regain it.

He is oblivious to the fact that all trust is broken.
I am the only one in the rocking chair with the illusion.
Thanks

This doesn't have anything to do with trust.

What it does have to do with is that he's fooling around with another woman in an interactive manner. Looking at porn... is one thing... you aren't interacting with another person. THIS however is interacting with another person, the semantics being if it has progressed to actually sleeping together or not.

You definitely don't have the tight close (exclusive) relationship you may have believed you had with him.

The only way his behavior is OK for the relationship is if you both agree that flirting/sexting/etc is acceptable... personally, I've always liked naughty girls who were flirts...

Then again... the three big loves I've had all cheated on me.

Hmmm... connected? Don't know.

I firmly believe that lovers don't need to be lock-in-step agreement concerning all areas of the relationship. I don't want to sleep with me. I've had me... and I'm OK... but I like different. ;)

Guess my point is that all relationships require you to define the things worth fighting about when there is conflict and the things you are willing to let go.

I never had a problem with a lover flirting with another if I felt that our relationship was satisfying both emotionally and physically. When that extra "energy" was drained elsewhere and it began to affect our relationship... or I simply wasn't comfortable with it... its time to have a talk. Big "T".

I don't think ill ever be wired differently... I like women who are strong-minded, assertive, and social... and seeing a guy flirt with a woman I'm with doesn't threaten me. Its even a turn on. I don't give a damn if the boy at the bar gets her skin flushed as long as she stays true... but that's me.

You don't have to accept his behavior. You certainly should communicate your needs and opinions.

When there is conflict in any relationship, its good to step back and think about a few things...

If you are upset, why? Are you disappointed in him? Are you disappointed in yourself? Worried he will stray into deeper waters? Upset that he doesn't consider your feelings? Not feeling "good enough?"

What can make this better for you? Obviously quick obedience to your wants is the "easiest" thing we can wish for... but what solution can be found that makes you both happy? Is this just a voyeur fetish he has and would never act on? Does he have needs that he isn't communicating? Is he just an arse who will play whatever game he wants to self indulge? Obviously this isn't something easily answered... since the quality of the answer depends on his honest input.

At this point... you need him to respect the fact that you are uncomfortable with this behavior... and he is being passive aggressive about it... he doesn't own it as a problem. Its "your" problem.

Mkay.

I agree with him. (not really... )

You have a problem with this. And I think that's OK.

He isn't responding to your needs. That's not OK.

Sorry you are in this place... when you find you are doing all the mental "heavy lifting" in a relationship... its usually time to step way back and take inventory. Its not easy... especially when years are invested... but I think this is an area where you are stuck.

You don't want to have to "police him" and go through his crap to know the truth... you just want the truth and honesty. And you are not getting that from him. Sure... its not good to go through his stuff to find out the truth... but you shouldn't have to do that.

Sorry you are in this place. I think you should be willing to think about the core reason(s) this upsets you, you should talk to him about those reasons in an open and honest way, and if you find you are doing all the work to find middle ground here... well.. it isn't really middle ground.

Sorry you are in this place. Glad you are looking for help. Its good to seek out help when you are in need... I think it's a strength that is admirable and good.

All the above advice is good, but I'd like to come at this from a different angle.

Addicition to sexting, or porn is very difficult to break; primarily because the endorphine rush (sex drug flooding your body) you get from these activities.

In SOME cases, the person engaging in these activities really love their partner but don't have the will power to stop, they are addicted to this sex drug.

You could wean him off this drug and keep him from sexting to others by being the object of his addiction in the beginning. Make a deal with him. Tell him that if he wants to be sexting, send them to you, and you will respond in a way that will be satisfying.

The point is, expecting him to stop cold turkey may be difficult if not impossible, but if he has genuine love for you both of you can make your relationship more intimate by being exclusive in sexting activities as well. He may find in time that only YOU satisfy him in sexting and other intimate activities as both of you get to know each others deepest desires and build trust without judgement.

Once that trust is reached in a relationship, other people and the desire for them seems shallow and unfulfilling.

Dr. Laura would say, if you want your man to stay at home, satisfy his every need.

If this doesn't work or he wants no part of it, and he doesn't put you first. Get out and find someone who will.

I absolutely agree with TexasParent in that there is no "switch" to throw that turns any routine or behavior on or off... and the rush that can be felt from any kind of behavior that is a fetish, whether its sexual or not... can be very real.

A previous lover cheated on me for literally years... and part of her choosing to do this was the rush she felt "getting away with it"... it took time, and even therapy, for her to begin to understand that her idealized relationship was not real. She didn't have to live with him. Didn't have to work around his failings. They could just focus on each other when they wanted to and usually the focus was sexual.

To this day, I wouldn't trust that she's over that "rush" of cheating. I found writings from before me that showed she had done the same before with another love... cheated on him and found a great thrill in the secret, even when it tormented her.

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Originally Posted by kp2171

i absolutely agree with TexasParent in that there is no "switch" to throw that turns any routine or behavior on or off... and the rush that can be felt from any kind of behavior that is a fetish, whether its sexual or not... can be very real.

a previous lover cheated on me for literally years... and part of her choosing to do this was the rush she felt "getting away with it"... it took time, and even therapy, for her to begin to understand that her idealized relationship was not real. she didnt have to live with him. didnt have to work around his failings. they could just focus on each other when they wanted to and usually the focus was sexual.

to this day, i wouldnt trust that shes over that "rush" of cheating. i found writings from before me that showed she had done the same before with another love... cheated on him and found a great thrill in the secret, even when it tormented her.

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I agree totally, but to the OP there is hope.

I don't know how old your boyfriend is, or more importantly how mature he is. However, myself being a bit older and having been a sexter myself I can tell you while I still yearn for the rush, my wife and I find fantasies together that give us both a 'rush'. The depth of our intimacy is such that can get my fix with my wife when I perceive that I need it.

Over time and with some maturity and most importantly love (which is a choice as well as a feeling), we choose to honor those we love and work together to satisfy each others needs without diminishing one anothers spirit.

kp2171 is dead on, behaviors are hard to break, especially something as powerful as activities which give you what some might call the ultimate rush. If you are strong enough to confront him and potentially risk your relationship and he truly loves you; 'together' you can choose to modify this behavior so that both of you are satisfied with arrangement.

If he is unable to change, like most people who are addicted to something, they need to suffer consequences (lose something, you for instance) in order to confront their addiction. To do nothing other than complain without an action or consequence to him would make you an enabler. It's not your fault you may be enabling him, I am sure he is charming and fills many of your emotional needs and you love him and can't imagine being with anyone else. However, if you look at this picture objectively, his behavior is selfish and not loving towards you. It does not matter that he can't choose to stop cold turkey, the action is still selfish and your relationship seems from this narrow perspective to be one sided.

Talk with him, he will likely get angry at first like most drug users or alcoholics feel their supply is threatened; but talk to him with love about coming to an arrangement. If he cares more about the drug than you, and you haven't invested a lot of time in this relationship find someone else who will put you first.

If you have invested a considerable amount of time in the relationship, then I would give it a bit of time provided conversations with him gives you a bit of hope about his willingness to change (this may not happen at first). Naturally the amount of time isn't open ended and I would expect both of you to agree on some action towards an agreement.

As kp2171 said, sometimes addicts think that the fantasy they have in their head seems real. The addict needs to be aware that these other women, whether it's just sexting or not are not real and they have no interest in loving him like you. It's like two addicts getting together to shoot up, there is nothing else that they have in common other than the drug.

To paraphrase Led Zepplin: "There are two paths you can go by but in the long run there is only one Stairway to Heaven".

You are the stairway to heaven. Those other women are the stairway down... ;-)

Thanks to kp2171 and TexasParent. I think you are both onto something about the addiction and rush. We had a conversation this weekend (not the BIG talk but something) We were talking about infidelity (physical)and why it happens. When asked if, and how he would handle it he replied that he would only be exploring without the intention of falling for the new person or replacing his partner...
I think it is an ego rush when women respond to him. He is quite good looking and charming and seems to crave the rush. For the first 4 years of the relatonship he mentioned that he struggled with curiosity. Yet, after this summer's separation he professed to know that he really wanted to make it work with me. That's why he moved in. I have trouble connecting those sentiments with the secret flirtations.
By the way, the hot and heavy sexting with his new friend has stopped for the time. I would bet that she was in it for the relationship and not the sex. They still text but not x-rated. I don't think he would be as lucky if he was telling these women that he has a partner. I think they are very lonely and looking for a connection or thrill.
I am still a coward about admitting that I checked his phone or at least I want to wait a while until after Thanksgiving when we will be having company.
I like the idea of partner sexting! We did this some over the summer but when I found out about his other outlets I felt like I was not enough.

I am such an idiot. He is still doing it; trying to recruit others and then reverting to sexting with her. I waited through the holidays because of family presence but feel sickened by the secrecy and duality of this. I would never know if I did not look at his cell due to the first encounter back in June. This is not healthy for me... We saw Up In The Air; maybe this is how people behave while still cherishing their family. Not right.

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Originally Posted by franz marc

I am such an idiot. He is still doing it; trying to recruit others and then reverting to sexting with her. I waited through the holidays because of family presence but feel sickened by the secrecy and duality of this. I would never know if I did not look at his cell due to the first encounter back in June. This is not healthy for me... We saw Up In The Air; maybe this is how people behave while still cherishing their family. Not right.

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You said it, we didn't. You have eighteen hours (plus/minus time zones) to make a fresh start. One heckuva New Year's resolution, huh? You need to be rid of this player very very badly.

Months ago I suggested changing the locks. I was being serious(rare for me), are you ready to do it yet?