PMDD maybe, depression, anxiety
I have been having an issue for quite some time that I have just ignored. Now, it is kind of scaring me. So, here it goes...
When I was younger (12 to be exact) and my mother was told she had 2 years to live I suffered from depression. I was put on Xanax for 2 1/2 years. After my mom died my disorder got better for some reason and they moved me down to paxil. Then, after about another year I weened myself off it completely and I haven't taken anything since. I'm 24 by the way.
For the last 2 years I have been seeing symptoms again. The main thing that I have noticed is the general feeling of hopelessness. I have everything to be happy about. I have a wonderful husband, I'm happy with my job, you understand. But, every time something good happens or a good thought creeps into my head a bad thought pops up and then that's all I can think about. It completely beats down the good thoughts until I am like, dissolved completely in the bad and it is on my mind for days. I can talk to people and write things down and it doesn't help. My husband keeps asking me what is wrong but I honestly can't tell him. It doesn't feel like there is anything wrong but I never smile anymore and I always dwell on every single, teeny, tiny little thing that is bad.
Another thing is, these symptoms have been worsening. Like, to the point of severity. Twice in the last 6 months I have been having suicidal thoughts. I can't tell my husband because he thinks this whole 'mental illness' thing doesn't really exist as far as like, depression goes. He thinks you can just think happy thoughts and be better. These thoughts scare me.
I have also been crying randomly for no reason and when he asks me why I honestly can't tell him why. I have been having anxiety attacks right before my period too. Not really bad ones but bad enough to stop me from what I'm doing.
I have been reading up on this PMDD thing because the more severe things happen before or during my period. It has a lot of interesting things in there about like, if you already have depression then it can make PMDD worse and vice/versa. I have no medical insurance so seeing a shrink or an OB/GYN is out of the question. I do have my annual Pap Smear at planned parenthood and I thought about asking her about all of this.
I just wanted to get your opinion on what is going on. I really need some advice on what to do and how to help make it less severe. What do you think it is?