My wife isn't "in love" anymore, usually.
I will try to summarize the situation and would love input, please!
We have been married 11.5 years, together about 13. We have two kids.
We get along fine. We have our differences, but without bitterness or blow out arguments.
She has a hard time telling me things that are on her mind if she thinks I might disagree because she doesn't like conflict. If there is disagreement or other than near total agreement she perceives conflict.
She says she senses a bad, negative, moody vibe from me about things that she thinks I'll be unhappy about, like say doing something I don't really feel like doing, even when I'm in a totally OK mood. I actually am rarely grumpy except in the morning before I have caffeine, and at that, am not negative and grumpy. I try to just quietly take care of things as I sip on some coffee and then am fine. I am otherwise positive, not negative, and rarely grumpy, and do not get very mad, and when I get mad I don't hold a grudge or stay mad, at all, ever.
She and I get along well. We like spending time together. With kids it's hard to have that time, but, we do make some time a couple of times a month to go out on our own, have the kids stay over at a friend's house, etc. We talk, smile, laugh, joke.
I let her know on a daily basis how beautiful she is, and periodically make sure to tell her I think she is a great mom to our kids, and that she's smart, a nice person, that she's great. I say it so much I do think sometimes I shouldn't so often or it will be worn out! She knows how I feel about her and has told me so.
A few years ago, when her schedule revolved only around the kids when they were much younger, both around 3 and 5 years old, she got into a rut. She was unhappy. She wasn't sure what it was, and I thought the worst. She said it wasn't necessarily even me, and didn't know for sure, but maybe it was, some. She saw a councilor for a while, weekly I think, for a handful of months. She had no activities of her own, not even say reading a book on her own, working out at the gym, going out with a girlfriend on her own without the kids around. She made a positive step or two to change that, and including the counseling she said she felt much better.
We have moved to a very pleasant area of the country, of the world for that matter, to Oregon, from having lived in the DC area in a higher stress environment. She wanted to move here. I liked it here, too, and agreed. We both like it here, have made friends, go out as couples, as families, and go to get togethers sometimes, etc.
My job now is much less stressful than it was. It isn't without concerns, but I am well at ease with myself and we both are living a much healthier and happier lifestyle here. We exercise, don't do drugs, don't abuse booze, make time to go out alone, and so on. We both are involved or attend activities the kids are in, too. She sees friends with me, and girlfriends on her own without the kids. I sometimes will do something with the kids for a few hours, too, so she has some alone time no matter what it is she is doing with it (relaxing, shopping, taking a nap, whatever it is).
Since she talked with me a few years ago about being unhappy and not being sure about what it was, I have been scared that it was in fact about being with me and she just didn't dare say so. She is one of the best people I've ever met in my whole life. I do everything I can to make things good for her and us. She is highly attractive to me. Our sex life isn't exciting now, usually anyway! but it does exist, a couple of times a week typically. Sometimes it is, especially if it's not at the end of the day and we're tired, or if the kids are away, it is actually pretty good. It's not like being mid 20s and having all day to lounge and pretend you are rabbits, but... I asked her every now and then over the past two years, and more over the past year, whether she was doing OK, whether she's happy, and she said yes. She says she loves me. She is attracted to me. She knows I'm nice to her, not mean to her, she cares for me.
Saturday she said she isn't getting out of our relationship what she thinks she should. She said sometimes it's better, and sometimes worse, but when it's worse she feels empty inside somehow. She said she isn't in love with me anymore, but, that she loves me, and again, sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse.
She wants a divorce.
I feel like I just got hit by a tornado.
What would you recommend? I very likely will show her these answers and discuss them, so please be respectful of her and me in your answers. I appreciate your taking the time to give input.
Confused and sleepless just South of Seattle