I've been hesitating to post my question because I'm quite embarrassed about it, but I've finally given in, because I'm curious about the opinion of others. I'm about to get engaged with my girlfriend of over 4 years (we're both in our mid twenties). We're planning on getting married within the next year, and I'm planning on proposing and making it "official" within the next few weeks. We really have had a wonderful relationship in many ways, and I'm certain that she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. There's just been something that has been on my mind. About 9 months ago I cheated on her once. I slept with another woman. It's a complicated story (are any cheating stories not?). For quite some time I couldn't understand why I did what I did, and felt quite guilty about it. A lot of it I believe was because my girlfriend and I were talking more and more about marriage and the ultimate commitment, and I began to have fears about it. Not, specifically because there was anything wrong with our relationship at the time, but I'm young, and facing marriage made me nervous. It was coincidental that at the same time I became quite attracted to this other woman, and though I did my best to fight all of my urges, I eventually caved in. Again, nothing was wrong with my relationship. Looking back, I feel that it was all of my stupid doubts. My girlfriend never found out, and I have no plans in telling her. The only other person that knows is the woman I slept with... I've never told anyone, and plan to keep it her and mine secret. I don't think the other woman would ever tell, but I guess now I have a little bit of a doubt because of my upcoming engagement. I know that my girlfriend would be completely heartbroken if she were to find out, and I can imagine that she would then begin to reconsider us getting married. Am I making a mistake by not telling her? Just wondering other people's opinions. Thought this site might be good, since I haven't discussed this with anyone at all, and do not have any desire to let anyone in my life know. Thank you for your thoughts. And, please... No attacking me for what I did. I regret it, and it was a huge mistake that I believe I have learned from. I'm human!

You never know the reaction of others when you ask them a question, so don't be sensitive but I have to believe that if you want to start this marriage with dishonesty, it may come to light later and bite you in the butt, if the guilt and lies don't make you miserable.

Sure their will be hurt feelings and maybe some drama and risks involved in telling the truth, and it may end everything you worked for so far and change you both forever. Those are just the breaks of paying for ones actions.

You have a choice, and it seems you have made it, of taking a risk that she never finds out, or being honest, and taking the risk of losing everything.

Saying nothing is the easy way out, telling her takes courage. I advise you to have courage, and be honest, no matter the risk.

But its your choice.

That you didn't stop yourself from seeing another woman, and the reasons given were essentially fear of the big commitment, then perhaps it is time to put the marriage on hold.

A committed relationship should have resulted in you facing your fears, with your fiancé. There should be nothing you could say that could not be worked out. It would have been a choice you made at the time not to work out what was on your mind, and now there is a simple consequence, with likely a complicated outcome.

Please tell your fiancé not only what you did, but why you did it, and how it was a mistake in leaving her out of any communication that could have prevented what happened. She needs to know that you realize you've made a mistake, but on the other hand, she needs to know why it happened, and if she can trust you again. That is her call.

If she is able to forgive, and you are both back on track to renew your commitment to each other, try to work really hard on the communication end.

I am impressed that you didn't blame your mistake on her, you were honest about what happened and I appreciate your candor.

And yes, you are only human, but, the success of your marriage will depend upon communication, and opening up yourself to talking about your fears about this commitment, and how it will change your life.

Marriage is not the end of the world, but it is indeed the end of being single, and the beginning of a shared, loving, and honest relationship.

To start this way, may not be the best thing to do. Silence about something so important may be far worse than what you have actually done. Particularly if she finds out.

This all happened 9 months ago... And I think I have resolved "my issues." I hear you about communicating with my girlfriend. But if this happened 9 months ago, do you still think I should put the marriage "on hold?" A lot can change in 9 months...

You're right, a lot can change in 9 months. I agree with both previous posters.

If you think there is anyway your girlfriend could find out, and to ease your own mind, might be best to bring it up yourself.
Let her know how much you love her and want to be with her. Let her also know how awhile back you became fearful of such a big commitment and it led you to act in a way you regret fully. You realize it was wrong not to confide your fears to her, that you should have been upfront and worked through them together. You were scared and acted stupidly and do what you can to assure her she has nothing to worry about in the future. Your bringing this difficult situation up and risking a great deal is testimont to your desire to have an open and honest relationship with her for the rest of your lives. Let her know that you want there to be nothing that the two of you can't discuss.

Also tell her that you would understand if she wants to put the marriage on hold herself if she needs time to sort through her feelings.

I wish you well...

I guess I wrongfully thought at the time that the commitment problems was "my issue" and now I'm realizing that what was "my problem" was / is also her problem since we are making and have made a commitment to one another. Now I'm not sure how to rectify the issue... thank you for the advice and well wishes.

Honesty is truly the best policy. Sure it would hurt her now, but it'd hurt her a lot less now than to find out after your married.

Good luck!

This has been bothering you for nine months. Obviously it is something that needs to be dealt with.

And I say that with a positive spin, because you are remorseful, you have taken the responsibility for what you've done, and now it is time to take the next step, which is accountability and consequence.

If you had been able to minimize the event, and convince yourself in some way that it was just a stupid mistake and meant nothing to you, the memory would not still be so alive.

If you can forgive yourself for what happened and can live with the memory popping up from time to time, well, it's up to you to say anything or not. But, I get the impression that your conscience is bothering you.

On the other side of the coin, only you know her well enough to know if what you have done is something she needs to know, then you have to decide whether to tell her. If this comes up 20 years from now after a few kids, a mortgage, a car loan, etc. the outcome will be the same, only she may think that this 20 year old secret prevented her from deciding whether she wanted to marry you in the first place.

I'm not excusing what you have done, but, you sound like a person who made a mistake, for feeling under the gun over the pressures of commitment, which is not exactly unheard of. I hope if you do decide to sit down and talk to her about this, that in the end, she will respect you far more for being honest before you got married, as opposed to 20 years down the line.

-Tell her and she will be hurt
-Don't tell her and you will hurt

So what do you do?

IF you want to marry her this is your first big decision.

IF you don't you are off the hook.

Do you want to spend your life together? Are you sure?
Are you OK never sleeping with another woman? Are you sure?

If you are, keep going. If you are not, then take a break.
Honestly, I am not sure you are ready, but if you are I know the guilt is killing you.
You can't live a lie, but maybe taking time off will help you find the words.
I don't envy you right now. But if you make the tough right decision, and not necessarily the easy decision, you will be OK.

I truly think that you should just be honest with her. When my relationship with my husband (before we got married or even engaged) got serious, I made sure to tell him about something stupid that I did, even before he met me just because I wanted him to know that I had no secrets. I didn't want him to find out sometime down the road and think completely different of me.

I know it's a different situation, but I think it's a similar in that we both know the right thing to do is to be truthful. Like others have said, if it's bothering you to this day and it's not something that you just shrugged off, that's a good sign that you need to come clean.

Would you want to know if she cheated on you 9 months ago?

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

Would you want to know if she cheated on you 9 months ago?

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That's what makes me feel so selfish in not telling her... That I would definitely want to know, and if she were havings any doubts months ago, I would've wished that she would tell me. I know that I would have a hard time knowing she cheated, but would find a way to come to terms because of what I did and how I have recognized what a mistake it was... I just don't know if she would be able to find a way to move past it with me, because as far as I know, she has always been faithful... I suppose not telling her is the cowardly response, but I am so afraid of losing her now. I would like to think that we are both strong enough to work through this together, but one never knows what the reaction of another will truly be (as stated earlier in this post.) I have a lot of thinking to do. And I owe it to her to do a lot of thinking about this... Thank you all for your honest opinions.

I would tell her exactly what you're telling us. It sounds to me like you have no intentions of doing this again. I know they say "Once a cheater, always a cheater," but I disagree. I cheated once, I was young and I was naïve and it's something I will never do again, ever.

I got to admit, that is a tough one.
If you are not 10000% sure you want to marry her it's an easy one :-)

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Originally Posted by Ash123

If you are not 10000% sure you wanna marry her it's an easy one :-)

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You lost me!.

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Originally Posted by Ash123
If you are not 10000% sure you want to marry her it's an easy one :-)

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You lost me!.

When you want to share your life with someone, then be prepared to share it all, the good and the bad. Enjoy the good, and cope with the bad... together.

I don't think the question here is about whether you should tell her or not. It's more about whether you should marry her or not. You cheated on her and you weren't committed to her. Then again it was a long time ago and you wouldn't do it again.

I say you don't tell her. If you do she'll never trust you again. It will be like poison in your relationship. Here's what will happen.

1. she flips out
2. you convince her it was a long time ago
3. she calms down and pretends to let it go
4. she never lets it go
5. the relationship deteriorates
6. you break up

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Originally Posted by BattleWill

You lost me!...

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What I meant was... If you are not SURE you want to marry her, then it's easy: you don't have to tell her cause it's going to end anyway:-) If you do, then you have a tough decision to make. I don't envy you. It's your call.

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Originally Posted by reckless

i say you don't tell her. if you do she'll never trust you again. it will be like poison in your relationship. here's what will happen.

1. she flips out
2. you convince her it was a long time ago
3. she calms down and pretends to let it go
4. she never lets it go
5. the relationship deteriorates
6. you break up

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That is exactly what I am afraid can happen! And right now, things are truly wonderful between us, and I am confident about wanting to marry. I do know the value of honesty and communication and we have worked hard in our relationship to be where we are today. I am not the same person that I was 9 months ago. I am growing and learning... and I have regrets. And I am pretty certain that my telling her would take us many steps back. And while I am hopeful that we could recover, nothing is certain. I guess there are pros and cons to everything and that is why I am so torn. I have to keep focused and will continue to process. And again my thanks to all for their honesty and insight.

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Originally Posted by BattleWill

That is exactly what I am afraid can happen! And right now, things are truly wonderful between us, and I am confident about wanting to marry. I do know the value of honesty and communication and we have worked hard in our relationship to be where we are today. I am not the same person that I was 9 months ago. I am growing and learning...and I have regrets. And I am pretty certain that my telling her would take us many steps back. And while I am hopeful that we could recover, nothing is certain. I guess there are pros and cons to everything and that is why I am so torn. I have to keep focused and will continue to process. And again my thanks to all for their honesty and insight.

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Maybe a couple of weeks or so before you propose, you could always bring it up as how amazing it is to you that you actually had some cold feet here and there in the past, made some stupid mistakes (leave it at that), but have seen how much you have grown together, how committed you are to each other, how thankful you are that she is in your life, and how you are looking forward to your life together.

I'm not sure why I'm back here. I guess my nerves are getting the best of me, and I need to vent in a "safe place." As an update, I'm proposing to my girlfriend tomorrow night. I'm really nervous about it. I know she will say yes (pretty sure!), but I just want it to be truly perfect for her. I've decided to go with my initial decision of not telling her that I cheated 10 months ago. Yes, the guilt is eating me up, but I guess the fear of losing her is also eating me up. Our relationship has really grown in the past few months, and we've both been much better at communicating. And I cannot imagine life without her. I truly think I learned from my mistake, and think the guilt has gotten stronger because of the impending engagement. I'm hoping that I can live with it for the rest of our lives together. Is it selfish of me not to tell her, yes! I don't know how I would feel if the shoes were reversed... But I suppose that Guilt and Fear are at a battle here! I know that in the eyes of some I am scum for not telling her, and the betrayal is doubled (the cheating, and then the withholding). It's something I'll have to live with. I've heard arguments of the pros and cons of both telling and not telling... And I'm going to have to go here with "what she doesn't know, isn't hurting her" and the last thing I want to do is hurt her... I cannot bear to hurt her... it would tear her apart. And I really think I've grown in the past 10 months and want to focus on being a true man and faithful to her in every way from here forward... Is that selfish of me?? Or does my rationale make sense?? Thanks to all...