Hi
I'm really just looking for a bit of advice? My boyfriendand I have been together for a year but he is Asian and has had a little trouble with the immigration department recently and may be deported. I am 16 and he is 21 at the moment. We both agree that the only way that he will be able to stay is if we get married when I turn 18. I do love him very much and he is adament that he feels the same, but being a Muslim; a faith wherein getting married young is common [and often their marriages do last] he is more comfortable with the idea than I am. If you can help I would be enternally appreciative! Thank you!

Hi, Judith,
Thank you for asking a question here, and Welcome to this site. I have asked that your question be moved to start a new question, rather than adding on to this thread, which is 7 months old!
Now, to your question. You are 16 yrs old?
I wouldn't be making any decisions at the present time about marriage, or anything near it. Why rush into this? If your boyfriend is to be deported when you are 18 yrs old, then you still have 2 yrs to think about this. I wouldn'd even suggest being married at 18.
I am 64 yrs old, divorced first marriage after 7 years, but now married for 29 years to a wonderful lady.
Marrying into a different faith carries more responsibility, and there are more problems with marriages of different faiths. You really should give this some serious thought. It is highly possilbe, that after another year, you won't even like this person anymore. Life is strange, and relationships change. I am sure your parents would give you some advice here. I do wish you the very best, and good luck.

He's muslim and you are not?

You are correct that many Muslim marriages last, but that is between two Muslims, can I assume that he, being Asian is not Muslim.

But the issue is that just getting married is no promise that any citizenship would be granted, the issues he is having now would still be there.

You need him to clear up his legal issues. Next two years is a long time, and he may have changed and you will certainly change over the next two years. IF you still want to get married in two years great.

I have heard a story about some adults pressuring a younger person to get married with her cousin so he can stay in a certain country. Even though they might think it is normal or right. I thought that it was a worse Idea just to get married to somebody to help out family members. At the same time you say that your in love and he is in love with you so that is different. I think that it would be important to get married because you truly want to be with each other for life not just to keep him in the country. If you are uncomfortable with this then maybe you should wait and think it through. I can not tell you what to do, that is only up to you. Remember the reason for getting married will effect wheather it will be a long term marriage or not. Just my opinion.

Joe

Thank you so much for your advice.
In response to your questions he is Muslim and I am not. Although he assures me that there will be no pressure from him to convert from Christianity to Islam, though I am not sure of the opinions of his family.
His legal issues mean that he may be deported by March 6, though I canot "help" him until I am 18 and legally permitted to marry him. Frchuck do you have any more information on the citizenship laws and are they British?
I do love him but I am quite a realistic person and the statistics on divorce [especially in bi-racial marriages] scare me.

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Originally Posted by *Judith*

In response to your questions he is Muslim and I am not. Although he assures me that there will be no pressure from him to convert from Christianity to Islam,

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I'm sory but this statement is confusing - why would he convert to islam if he is muslim?

I posted this on your other thread, but I will repost it here:

I am hesitant about mentioning this to you, but I will in the interest of full disclosure.

You don't have to wait until you are 18 to marry him.

Many places allows a 16 or 17 year old to get married, as long as they have the written permission of their parents or legal guardians.

So you probably could get married now if your folks agree to it.


That being said, I don't think you should. Getting married to keep someone in the country is usually not a good reason to get married.

Why is he having troubles? Has it gotten himself involved with some crime?

If you marry him now just to keep him in the country, then odds are this marriage won't last and in the long run it will cost you way more…lawyer's fees, etc.

If he is to be deported, then so be it. Don't rush your life in order to help him.


You are only 16….and most marriage at a young age, do NOT work out.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

can I assume that he, being Asian is not Muslim.

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Fr Chuck,

It is time for me to teach you something! :)

Here in North America, we call people from China, etc Asians and the Middle East Muslims, South Asians/Muslims.

In the UK, they call the Middle East people Asians and the China people South Asians.


Confusing, yes. But then, don't they drive on the opposite side of the road as well? :p


I didn't realize this myself until the 7/7 terrorist bombings in London. People on the news said they saw suspicious Asians. To them, Asians are Middle East people.

Need Karma: sorry I meant no pressure from him for me to convert from Christianity to Islam
CaptainForest I doubt very much that I would have the support of my parents and my boyfriend would really like to get married in his home country. He hasn't got himself into any criminal activity, but his legal documentation that he has been given is apparently not acceptable under new law. Although his situation seems to be improving as he was released from the detention centre after various appeals, however the possibility of his deportation remains high. I really don't know what to do?

Are you aware that in his home country, men marry more than 1 wife?

Is this the life style you want? To be one of many wives?

Just me butt

Just me, But I would not advise marriage to any one as young as 16.You may think your in love but a lot of things can change in the next few years. To be married to allow some one to stay in the country is no reason to consider tying your life to, someone you probably don't know that well.And a 21 year old and a 16 year old ,sorry I can't even condon the relationship period.Do what you must but I ask you give this a lot of clear thought and see where his family and yours stand on the matter before you jump into such a life changing situation.Good luck to you.:cool:

CaptainForest I am aware of polygny and we have discussed it, but it is something that he cannot justify and would not enter into.
talaniman

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And a 21 year old and a 16 year old ,sorry I can't even condon the relationship period

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can I ask why?

At 16 I feel is too young of an age to have a clear vision of what your future will be like.You have no idea how your feelings wants and needs will grow and expand to make you an entirely different person than you are now.At 16 you have almost no life experience by witch to draw any wisdom or guidance from, you have no clue what love is so I know even though you think you love this fellow how can you know until the lust is over with.You should be out dating and hanging out and having fun before you jump into a life that half the adults around you can't handle.You never said how his family will feel about you or react to there son or you for that matter. YOU don't know and frankly there are a lot in life you don't know about.What kind of man 21,sniffs around a young under aged female in the u.s. that's rape and while your head is filled with LOVE you are illegal under the law.Does he have a job a future an education or will he be living with ma.Convince me you know what to do after a couple of kids and no education and no money.This is the real world out here!! :cool:

I think you'd better inform yourself on the status of women is islamic countries. You may be getting into something you don't want and can't manage, especially without the support of your parents and away form your country.

NeedKarmaI have no intention of living within his culture and neither does he as his family rely upon him to suport them financially and keep thei heads above the poverty line.
He does have a job and works in the catering industry as a head chef with ambitions of owning his own restaurant.
talaniman you say that in the US it is rape for a man of 21 to be with a girl of 16, however this is not true of Britain. I am very appreciative of your advice and think that you make many valid points about my lack of life experience.
However, several of my friends are pregnant with the children of men whom they are no longer with at just 3 months in. I would suggest that in such a situation those people are bound together for the remainder of their lives and with the least amount of thought [otherwise they would have used contraception]. My point being that these people are entering into a similar situation to mine in that they will be united for the duration of their life and yet this is far more acceptable than young marriage?
If I do reach the conclusion that I am just not ready for marriage at this stage how am I supposed to tell him as this is what he wants for us [Islamic culture does not accept relationships only marriage] and it may be his only option to continue to support his family?

I didn't know you were pregnant.But I'm glad to know that you at least are taking the time to work through this situation thoughfully.Him supporting his family is his chioce, and your right about his obligation to you and your child, in my mind though young marriages just don't work out well unless the two of you are mature enough to handle the situations that will present themselves down the road.You have said you will not enter the muslim life but if you had his child he must still have to support his baby and take care of his family so he will already have a conflict going with the added responsibility and if they do not accept your relationship what does that leave the two of you, get married?Where will youlive with them,and you think you won't have to follow their rules! This is very complex is the main reason you must think this through before you get into something that may be very hard on you, your baby, and the young man,:cool:

Hmmm... I didn't get from her post that she was pregnant, just that a lot of her friends are. Her friends are letting themselves get pregnant in order to basically 'trap' the men into marriage.

Hey Judith, how about this: how about you break this cycle that your friends aer in. Go to school, get a good education, enjoy being a teenager, travel, meet lots of people, then see what life brings your way.

There are too many warning flags to future problems for you if you continues down your current path.

NeedKarma You were right I am not pregnant. Thank you for your advice, but I just don't see how that is possible anymore. I mean I do go to school and get decent grades [right now I am doing my A levels etc] and I have a lot of friends.

I just don't see a way of getting out of it. I mean its two years before it will become a big issue, but I think that if I do decide not to marry him how can I ever break that news to him? He will be absolutely devastated as this is what he wants for us [Islamic culture does not accept relationships but focuses on the sanctity of marriage] and it may be his only option to continue to support his family by staying/returning to Britain?

Don't get me wrong my feeling guilty is not the reason for me thinking about going through with it, I do love him. However, how do you know for sure if you do love someone or whether [as many of you have suggested to me] that it is something that will just pass, leaving me with the remnants of the biggest mistake of my life?