Don't get me wrong, I'm not a serial killer or anything. But I feel like I'm just a morally filthy person of no integrity or honesty. I'm a passionate, fun-loving, kind person. I love others and dogs and the environment and I work hard.

I shoplift quite often. Every few weeks or so. I usually take things I need and can't afford. But I'll take things I DON'T need and can't afford too. It's actually ridiculous. The other day I stole some candles and I'm driving home thinking " is your problem? You just stole candles?? How disgusting and self-centered and materialistic."
I'm not sure how to stop other than to just force myself to stop cold turkey. It's just that I've gotten in the habit of doing it, and it's rather easy. Free stuff. And yet I feel awful about it, and I feel like it's separating me from a pure, happy life.
(besides shoplifting I have a terrible financial sense and am no good at managing money)
I also lie. To my parents, to my boyfriend, to my friends. Usually it's about things that I don't want them to know about, things I think would be awkward for them to know about. Nothing really ever huge. Me and my boyfriend just went through a break and are back together, and I've lied to him about some of the things that happened in the break.
I want to stop lying. I want to be a person of integrity and truth. I feel like lying is so dirty and wrong. Like garbage coming out of your mouth.

Another thing: I love my boyfriend dearly. Me and him have been in a long distance relationship. We took a slight break, and during the break I messed around with 2 other guys. Our break was only for like 5 days. How can someone mess around with 2 other people in 5 days when on break with the person they love very very much?
I've always wanted to experience sex with others because my boyfriend was my first and only, so I saw the opportunity for that and took it.
But I feel so guilty because of it, even though it was enjoyable and a great learning experience, and makes me appreciate my boyfriend more. I haven't told him about the other guys because I don't think its necessary and I think he would be disgusted by me. And even though we are back together and planning on living together within a month to pursue our relationship and make things work, I have some small part of me that still wants to be single and mess around and be pursued and wanted by guys. I know for a FACT that this will only lead to emptiness and sadness compared to the beautiful love me and my boyfriend share. So why do I even still crave it?

What is my problem? Why do I have these awful issues in my life of being this self-centered, lying cheating stealing person? I want to have integrity and be someone who stands for honesty and good things.
Am I too self-centered? Do I need to seek God more? I am a Christian and I feel so distant from Him. I feel like these are all barriers to being close to Him.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

The first step is to recognize and admit that you need help. You appear to have taken that step and now you need to see a mental health professional to help you sort through your problems. I don't see that being self-centered is an issue. I don't know if your Christian beliefs are.

You do need to know that when you are caught shoplifting you could very well serve jail time, minimally you will be fined and embarrassed - and you could get a criminal record that will follow you through life. You are also hurting people by stealing from them.

I am not certain anything you post is entirely honest in light of this thread which is somewhat in conflict with your other thread - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2179247

How is this in conflict with my other thread..

These sound like serious problems. Have you considered getting professional help? Like going to see a counsellor or a therapist?

Yeah I'm thinking I should go see a counselor.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rainbowtear

How is this in conflict with my other thread....?

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Your other post seems to indicate you are thinking about becoming involved with someone else to some extent - this post indicates that you already have.

I explained in this post that me and my boyfriend took a break, and I became involved with someone else within that break. Now we are back together however, and I am no longer with anyone else.

I suspect that your life is lacking meaningfulness - you sound empty and you sound bored.

Yes, you have money, but you don't value it. Yes you have a BF whom you claim to love, but you don't value that either.

In the end it's because you don't value yourself - I have no idea why, only you can know that.

Remember that everything you do involves a choice - but the choices you are currently making are done without thinking, unconsciously. Lying, stealing, cheating. Try being present, in your own body, in your own mind when you are doing these things, and ask yourself - why?

Make a conscious choice to change. See a counselor, whatever. This is no way for you to live.

Dr Phil always say... You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Well, you have done that, so you are on your way.

I don't understand the urge to steal so it's hard for me to relate too. It's too much trouble to lie because then you have to remember what you have said. But, I don't think you should tell your boyfriend about the two guys you were with during the break. Just recognizing it was not your best choice learn from it.UNLESS, you had unprotected sex, that's a different story.

I applaud your honesty in telling us what you do. It's not flattering and takes a lot of courage to come clean about stuff like this. I can identify with your last problem though. I've been in a secure loving relationship, yet still at times, want and enjoying the attention from other guys. My best guess is that I have a low opinion of myself that needs to be shored up with the complements and approval I get from these guys. I'm a work in progress and if I conquer this, you'll be the first to know. Good luck to you, and just take one step at a time. When faced with a decision to steal or lie, make the RIGHT decision and pretty soon, THAT will be your natural inclination.